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Hey mahhhty,

I just read a post by sandi2 and now I'm concerned with your latest post. Sandi2 told NH115 that the WAW has to feel the loss. When I read your exchanges, I see the opposite. It's quite clear that you are there for her, that you care about her.

I mean, "Happy Monday!"? How is that not pursuing? Just imagine who could send you such a text, especially someone you just dumped. It is filled with neediness and that is not attractive. It says "I really want you to be happy! i care about your feelings. If you're not happy, I'm there." (Pro tip: No more exclamation points)

On your list of things to discuss, I would keep potty training, soccer and the tax returns. I wouldn't dwell on the gifting more than a couple of sentences, like "Let's make sure we don't fall into the trap of showering them with gifts. I know I won't." Move on.

How to react when the kids say "I miss mommy"? You really want her to know that the kids say so, right? There's not much to discuss though. What is the range of reactions you guys could have? It's straightforward: "I understand. You'll see her very soon." It's not like there is a decision or coordination to make.

The call. You want to discuss whether she's been crying on the call? Why? Let her bring it up. You are not in charge of her emotions. If she doesn't bring it up, it's because she doesn't want to. It will be quite annoying for her that you bring it up.

The text. Eeek. This sounds totally like a petty couple fight: "It's just that I didn't see your text. And then I called. But you seem to ignore that..." Seriously, drop it. Water under the bridge. Be the bigger man. You want her to know that you won't tolerate it? Speak with your actions.

Facebook. No warning necessary. Again, you're managing her emotions. You're comforting her that you're there, that she'll always know exactly where you stand. Download the pictures today, unfriend her and that's it. You need to surprise her with your detachment at some point. Remember also that the earlier, the better. If ten years from now, she feels you don't care much about her, it won't have an effect on her. If you did so at BD, then perhaps.

Mahhhty, I'm concerned now. I had been under the impression, from your recent posts, that you were doing better than this. I still see a lot of attachment for her and how it shows. There is a lot of pursuing in your interactions. I wonder if you understand what you need to change and why. If you really hope to R with her, you will have to make these changes.

I can't recall if you have read NMMNG, but if not do it and then pick up Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson. The first three chapters explain attraction, neediness and vulnerability. I think that's what you need to hear now.

Mahhty,

I haven't read your entire sitch, so apologies in advance if I misinterpret anything. I think you can be cordial, however, you might be going overboard, IMHO. I think Mozza hits on some key points...

I would NEVER have a conversation with x Mr. GB to discuss what to say when kids say they miss the other parent. Granted, I have my kids 90% of the time, but no....Occasionally, my 5 yr old will say he misses his daddy and that he wished he didn't move out to live another life. I tell him his Dad loves him and he can call him if he likes. The x doesn't (I know this for a fact) have these types of convos with the kids. They have asked him why he moved out in front of me and he literally squirms and said "I just don't want to talk about it." Okey dokey:)

In regards to FB, why do people feel the incessant need to announce everything??? Do what you do. Wanna change your status? Change it. You don't owe her an explanation. Your friends will either DM you on the matter or not. Don't worry about W's feelings on this perception. I don't say this to be rude, but you are no longer married to her. Focus on you and your kids-not whether W is going to be miffed by a status change. Download the pics and mosey on.

Don't bring up anything except for kid and financial issues. If you X W chooses to tell you she's been sad, happy, grumpy, giddy, etc...let her bring it up. She's a big girl. You must focus on your new life.

Good luck:)

Thanks Mozza and GB. I hear you. Points taken, and thank you.

She moved out over 6 months ago. I can count on one hand the number of times I have called or texted first. So does that mean I am detached? I know I am not, but I fully believe I am moving in that direction.

As for the text interaction being pursuing, of course it is. This was a longtime point of contention, that the IC recommended about a month ago. In this instance I used my D being sick to open the door to schedule the coffee. I believe the coparenting gap is only getting larger, and our kids deserve better than that.

My biggest issue is communicating with her, we do it so little, and it is by far the biggest change in me and with her gone I don't have that much practice. She shares nothing, so I validate rarely, and communicate one on one practically never (we only see each other once every other week).

As for the list, these are items we have never spoken about. We have done absolutely no collaborative discussions on any topics. I do agree with your points and see how I was trying to control the situation by addressing it. She is her and I am me. We don't need to talk about most of it. I updated the list.

- Gifting Syndrome. Keep short. The idea that we want to have the best time with the kids possible when we have them, and as a result we feel obligated to buy the kids things. We can not give the kids everything they want all the time. It is not healthy.
- Potty Training our Son
- Soccer for our Daughter
- How to react when the kids, say they "miss Mommy" or "miss Daddy....
- When she calls to say goodnight and I am with my sister's family....
- I received the text stating “This is not okay.” .....
- Giving her a copy of the 2014 tax returns, write her a check for the return $
- Tell her I will be removing our relationship status from Facebook....

Forgot these...
- Schedule to get the remainder of her things.
- S's Birthday Party

As for FB, I will download the pictures and make the change tonight.

Scratch that. It is done. Re: As for FB, I will download the pictures and make the change tonight.

Now back to work.

Wow! And if she asks you about FB, don't be apologetic. Just say "Sure. I think it's for the best." Don't come across as trying to spare her feelings or over-explain yourself. You're a strong, confident man and you're moving on. This will be difficult. Try to envision some of the conversations ahead of the meeting.

Follow NH115 closely these days because he's doing it for real. It all comes naturally to him and it has the intended effect on his W. As Sarsky309 wrote, we humans are very simple creatures and the pull/push dance is something we can't avoid apparently.

The Doctor thinks I have a hairline fracture in my lower back or hip. Big bummer doctors appointment at 230. Wish me luck.

Turns out no fracture but a bulged disc. Gave me meds and told me to do PT, and Yoga. No more lifting. No kayaking for a week. All do-able.

I was rereading my threads and in the gap between 2 and 3 (this one), I forgot to mention that my business idea is now a legal company, and I am the CEO. With that my second job (moonlighting) has tons of opportunity kicking down the door and a third idea is taking shape. With any luck I'll be leaving my current place of employment by the end of summer.

It is happening!

Now back to this. Mozza and GB really got me thinking yesterday. Perhaps I should be further along, I am definitely still Mr Nice Guy. I see that. Following that up with an article I read (someone in here recommended it) "my girlfriend dumped me" on Mark Manson's website.

"Accept It. It’s over, man. She’s gone. This is the hardest part for me. Even if she comes back, do you really want a girl who rejected you? You should never accept a girl who doubts your potential as a boyfriend. If Eva Longoria doesn’t see my potential, she doesn’t deserve me. If she dumped you for [censored] you need to clean out of your life, then you need to fix them independent of anybody else... If you think about it, we don’t really miss her, we miss the idea of her. We miss a lost wax casting of her; we don’t miss her as much as we miss her effect on us. We miss being with someone who is attractive, smart, funny, and likes us. But guess what? That’s not her anymore. The irony is, if we ever end up with her again, it can only be because we prospered without her."

I think in a way I have plateaued into a world where I treat her like I would like to be treated. However this is skewed as my perception of what I would like is not the current reality. She saw no future with me. It's time I stop pumping the breaks to see if she is coming.

In response to this, I will need to be more proactive and finish the loose ends...

To Do list...
Facebook... Relationship status is single. DONE. I didn't de-friend or block her. She doesn't use facebook at all.
Twitter... She uses a lot. I canceled my account. DONE
Instagram... She uses even more, I stopped following her. DONE
Insurance... Get her off.
Tax returns paperwork... Send it it her.
House Deed... Get her off.
Take the interactions down a notch. They can be cordial, just not pursuing.

Now it's your turn. Any thoughts on items I should be tackling?

I think you're being too hard on yourself. Not saying I disagree with what was said about the pursuing after reading another perspective, just saying you should go easy on yourself. You've made lots of progress.

Sorry about your back, be careful. My H has been dealing with bulging discs for months, PT did nothing. Hope it's minor for you.

X called to say goodnight to the kids tonight. She seemed very odd on the phone, and the kids were not cooperating. The finished their dinner so we chowed on dessert, so they were bouncing off the wall. During the conversation at one point my boy jumped on me and head butted me.... I love being a Dad!

Anyway, towards the end she said something like "Well okay I'll go but how about you send me a video of the marble run." Marble run is an engineering game I got them. SUPER FUN! And I was trying to stop them from playing with it during the call. I said okay to the video and sent it to her. Didn't even receive a thank you.

I don't think I should be doing stuff like this. Thoughts?

Hmmm...I don't think it's bad to send her a video...but I'm also the one that picks up beer and cigarettes when he asks so what do I know. If she didn't ask for it maybe, but she did. If the situation were reversed wouldn't you want her to do that for you?

Curious to see what others think.