Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Kramer's Journey

I have received excellent advice and recommendations by many of you on this site, and I sincerely appreciate your input. I am in agreement that my best course of action is to work on my own issues independent and irrespective of my wife/marriage. I am trying to practice GAL and remaining dark, other than legal and tax issues. I realize that it is a marathon, and not a sprint.

Having said all that, I don't feel that I am progressing as well as most of you. I am still overwhelmingly depressed, to the point of being non productive at work and just existing in my day to day life. I know that it's not healthy, and I try to occupy my time doing things, but I'm just going through the motions. I feel hollow, empty, and hopeless. I keep ruminating on my broken marriage, and am having difficulty accepting just how disposable I was. While I am mired in depression, my wife seems happy, content, and involved in her new relationship. The few email contacts between us are cold and distant. We have no verbal or physical contact. It's almost as if she has read the DB playbook, and is doing GAL herself (and succeeding).

I will continue regular counseling and GAL activities, because I don't know what else to do. I'm still trying to figure out how to work on my interpersonal issues if there isn't a partner to recognize those changes. How do I correct my controlling personality if there is noone to control? How can I work on emotional selfishness if I am the only one there? How can I work on validation if there is noone to validate?

So confusing and frustrating...

Kramer - Don't beat yourself up over your progress. Most of us struggle and I think its particularly common at the stage where you are at - where the shock has worn off and the cold reality really sets in.

One thing many of us have, which you do not, is young children in the home, and I can tell you that is a powerful motivator to push ahead. I can see where in some ways it would be more difficult in your situation.

Have you sought out individual counseling yet? I will say that I have not personally found one that really clicks for me, but many people here have gained solace from talking to a good therapist. Seems worth trying.

Accept that it's confusing and frustrating and that you have no control. Let go of the struggle. Everyday you have to practice letting go.

It took me 6 months to feel somewhat human after the BD. Don't judge yourself too harshly but do things every day to move forward. Exercise, reading, gratitude list, volunteering for a cause you believe in.

The only timeline is your timeline. Be wary of comparing yourself to others.

Hello Kramer,

If it's any comfort, your sitch is very typical, down to your impression that it is unique. You think you're progressing slower than others, but your sitch is very recent (3-4 months). You seem to be par for the course, from what I read. I'm seven months into mine and I'm still not productive at work, I ruminate on my broken marriage and find a reason to cry most days. Yet, I GAL a lot and limit contacts with my WW as much as possible.

What you need now is patience. Patience with your sitch because these things take 1-2 years to resolve, one way or the other. Patience with yourself because you have a lot to process. You know what you have to do, which is to build a life of your own and work on your changes. There's no rush in showing them to a life partner, but there are plenty of opportunities to practice them on friends, coworkers, family members and the likes.

My advice at this stage would be to ensure that you give yourself permission to do things you love. GAL is not just being busy, it's about spoiling yourself, it's about building a life you love so much that you don't enjoy that of anyone else. Ask yourself: "What would I do if I gave myself permission?" This can be a pretty exciting prospect.

I did a bit of meditation before bed last night. It started off as the normal, Why Me? Why Us? What happened to our M? Why is my W acting like this?, desperation thoughts. I then began wondering how my W could be seeming to handle this so well? I thought this dang meditation was supposed to clear the mind, not muddy the mind!

I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will understand it. However, it may be best that I don't understand it. I also realized since the BD 3 weeks ago, I have been avoiding contact with my family, her family, my friends. I kept telling people that I simply was dealing with some internal issues and did not care to discuss them. Then, I believe I had a moment of clarity. How weak of a person am I that I would let this effect my relationship with my family and my friends?

It is very weird, but my W's mother and father have reached out to me and told me, in their words, that they are extremely sorry for what my W has done and that they stand with me and our children. While it is good to hear that, it doesn't change anything. My W has completely cut off communication with her family. She never was very outgoing to them anyway, but now, it is really radio silence.

Not sure this really helps you here, but just wanted to reach out to others on the site. Just remember, I may seem strong right now, but just give me 15 minutes and that may change. HA

Thank you all for your posts and for sharing. I am trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the past few months. It all seems so surreal. This site has been a lifesaver for me. It has let me know that I am not alone, and what happened to me has happened to a lot of other people as well.

I am trying to remain positive in my life and to be thankful for what I do have. Even though my kids are grown and live elsewhere, they are extremely supportive and loving. My oldest daughter, her husband, and 2 children came down this weekend. My SIL and I did our first Century bike ride on Saturday. How's that for GAL?

I am taking things one day at a time. I accept that my marriage is over. I still love my wife, but realize that it is unrequited. I will work on improving myself and being a better person. I am hoping that happiness occurs as a result. I am restarting IC tomorrow, and will attempt to work on my own issues.

Not much new to report. I've been working, going to gym, and GAL. I'm also working on detaching. I haven't had any communication with wife in over a week. The only communication in last month has been a few superficial texts 10 days ago, initiated by her.

I've been inviting her kids to dinner regularly, but most of the time they have not responded. The oldest has been coming regularly, and one of the twins came on Tuesday. The twin's girlfriend will be having their baby in 3 days. It's on the weekend, and my wife has already told her son that she will be with her boyfriend instead of watching the birth of her first bio grandchild. Pathetic.

I still miss my wife and harbor hopes for reconciliation, but don't see it in the cards. I am doing better day by day and continuing to detach.

Day by day, I feel that is all that it comes down to.

YUP!

Good job Kramer and 10B!

I suspect that this is a common question, but isn't detaching quite similar to ignoring?