Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I thought everything was okay....(Part 5)

I agree. I think its time we all re-read the DB Rules, and apply what is applicable. To me, this is pursuing. Not so much in a...I love you want you back way, but more...its annoying (sorry if thats harsh). I say this because my W bugged the [censored] out of me to do taxes. Why? Because all she wanted was the $ from it. And it irritated the [censored] out of me. The first time was ok, second time was ehh, and then it got to the point of...i don't even wanna talk about it. Ironically, now that we got taxes back, my W doesnt even want the $.

Point I'm trying to make is...yes, MCS, it makes more sense to do it jointly, you get more $ etc etc. But I see this 2 ways. 1, its irritating to her that you keep bugging her to do them, and 2) MCS is trying to control the sitch. Though your intentions are good, because you kept asking her to do the same thing over and over, it comes off controlling to me.

RE: Avoid future conflicts by giving her chances.

I feel that the opposite was accomplished. By giving her more chances to do them "your way" (no matter if its logical or not), your creating conflict. Filing separately makes no sense, but, has anything WAW done made sense in the past months?

In the future, probably pick a different battle. You win some and lose some, this one, i don't think was worth it. She needs to be held accountable for her actions, whenever she is ready for it, she will own up to it (you told me the same thing). Taxes, wont affect your M at all. Something I keep in mind all the time, will arguing about it help my M or hurt it. Food for thought. Thinking about you bud.

Thanks everyone. You guys really got me thinking and as I'm reading, I see myself trying to justify what I was doing. Basically, she asked what we were doing for taxes at MC (mediation), go together and file however the tax prep suggested. We agreed on an approach and then she changed it. I guess that's what got me into the do-loop of trying to convince her to reconsider.

Onward, I guess. She said she was going to cancel MC (mediation.) I'm not going to try and convince her otherwise, but I'm at the point that I'm going to make decisions based on how we are communicating now. I read your post Mozza and while not at the point that I've fully accepted that R is not in the cards, I see that I'm okay (myself) not R. I'm still struggling with reconciling in my head what is best approach for my kids. I 'feel' like something is just pushing me to be patient with the sitch. However, I'm not sure if that's me trying to justify my stubbornness of not moving on or its in the cards of the fate of the situation.

I see that I'm not emotional about a lot of these things which is different than before. However, I was at my childhood home over the weekend and had a bunch of emotions come back. I was at my childhood church where we also got married at and the Easter sermon was about how to have hope when we are at the lowest point (referencing when the tomb was empty before they realized that He had risen) this got me thinking and then the pastor referenced troubles in our lives and said "if your marriage is in trouble. Keep hope that the plan is already in place." Well, that one hit me.

My mom keeps telling me that I'm being too tough on myself overanalyzing my missteps and second guessing myself. I see that with the whole tax things, instead of beating myself up, I now see that as a learning experience mostly. I guess I'm finally starting to detach.

So, my next thing is "What does it look like focusing on MCS?" I'm actually comfortable with my life other than the sitch. I'm happy with myself, my relationship with my kids, my focus at work is back, etc. I feel I'm missing companionship, intimacy, and just someone to talk to about work, my day, etc. I'm not quite sure how to fill that void, I don't think it's dating, but I also feel like my friends have been super supportive but I can't lean on them to totally fulfill these things. Especially because now I find we are in different phases of our lives. I guess the good ole GAL is where I need to focus.

Like I said, I'm struggling with what I'm being called to do/act, how 'I' want to act and how to loosen up and go beyond my comfort zone. So the confusion is there, but it feels like it's in a much healthier position than I've been over the last couple months. Just some stuff for me to think about.

What would you do differently if you didn't want to R?

I'm asking because after thinking about it, the answer for me was "not much". In fact, probably nothing. I've been saying this from the beginning to justify my approach to friends and family. Some want us back together, some not. All are worried that I focus on her and wait on WW. At the beginning, I was clear that I was hoping to R, but now I don't even bring it up. I just tell them that I do what's right: I'm cordial with WW, I don't pursue, I communicate about the kids, I take good care of them when I have them and then I focus on myself and my future. As you know, I'm even willing to date. I understand your perspective on this, so I don't even expect that you would date before D anyway. That's why I'm asking. I'd like to know also what different results you'd expect to get from your WW if you were to change your approach.

I wish there was a good answer here. There are so many of us willing to stand for the love of our life and the union that they once cared about. A thought keeps popping into my head that we gave a vow to forsake all others for our spouse. I do nor think that 'all others' was meant to include ourselves. I love my wife. I want to hold her and feel her breath on my chest. It is something that I dream about. That feeling of closeness and warmth is what I want back in my life.
Do I move on and not forsake my desires forever? Do I stand alone and leave myself wanting until death do us part? Do I find something that can fill that need of closeness, intimacy, affection, desire, passion (I've not found it yet)? Or do I stand and wait because that is who I am and I will not compromise who I am. We want to be loved again, we certainly deserve it. We absolutely deserve it.
I just want to run away sometimes

I think that you take some of the dreaded Gift of Time and use it to address each question.

No running away but facing each issue so that we can become the best we can be.

Mozza,

I agree there's not much I would change given everything. I look back and I think that without wanting to R, I wouldn't have catered to her and/or taken the stuff she said so harshly. Other than that; a part of me is holding out 'moving on' from a standpoint of trying to keep my heart open for her to come back. I guess, while I've dealt with some of the anger about the A, I can tell that I think I would have treated that a little differently. Don't get me wrong, both would have been productive; however if I didn't want to R I think I would have dealt with the anger earlier in the sitch.

So slight change of topic. I feel like I've taken another step in detachment. I thought that 'detachment' was an On/Off thing; but I see that its part of the roller coaster ride.

I think it was the Tax thing and how it just felt like she was doing everything to avoid me just because. I see that throughout that whole thing, I was really indifferent to what she wanted to do or not to do other than the monetary perspective.

So, I surprised myself the other night. I talked to the IC about this and she seemed pleased that I did this without her forcing me to consider it.

After posting about what I was missing in my Life without WW the other night, I started to think about what I was fearful about. All the things I posted seemed like they were relatively simple things to solve.

It wasn't like I was fearing never falling in love again, never meeting anyone, etc. However, I think it was more I am fearing 'looking' for a R/GF. In my head, it felt like I was damaged goods. I'm 35, have kids, have a house, a good job, etc. I felt like not being M, I would be an 'outsider' to most folks my age. It kind of feels that way right now since most of my friends are M, have kids, and spend most of their time managing those things. I'm not jealous or feel like they are not as close to me as before, it just feels like I've been thrown into a different point in life.

So, without really thinking about it; I registered for an online dating site. Now, before we get all Mozza's thread on this The reason I did it was to have a little experiment. I live in a pretty rural area. I figured I would search and get 6 or so people.

Well, I searched and I saw pages and pages of women. Some D, some S, etc. Then I started to read profiles. Most of them had kid(s) most talked about their kids in their description; how their kids meant so much to them, how they were Mom's first, etc. At that point, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm not alone in being single while still wanting to focus on my kids. Other's talked about honesty and trust, you could tell that they had been through some bad stuff. I actually felt excited reading through the posts. Not because I was looking for anyone, but because it felt like I'm not alone.

It's almost how I feel on this board. I read through and see I'm not alone in going through the pain we all feel. Reading the online posts, I know I'm not going to be alone if/when I move on.

Now before anyone says it, I'm not interested in any dating at all right now but I do feel a lot better. I talked to a friend at work today about it, who's D and he said "MCS, when you are ready; you'll have nothing to worry about. You're not going to need to go online or any of that stuff; you're just what women are looking for: Caring, responsible, a family man, mature, dependable, etc. Don't even give that a thought about being worried about it."

MCS, I think thats awesome that you were able to reflect and ask yourself what it is you are truly scared about or fearful of. Honestly I think alot of us feel that same way, the "[censored], how am i ever going to find someone again, without explaining everything." Just be careful you don't post too many pictures of yourself on that site, you'll be fighting off the hordes of women coming at you

Yep, definitely no pics out there. Like I said, I live in a small town. So while there were pages and pages of women. I knew some of them.... former neighbor from down the street, a teacher at D5's school, someone else had a big family picture and someone I work with was one of the people in the pic.

I guess that helped me out too. These people have the same type of life as me.

Yeah, thinking of this. No wonder WW wanted BD to be private, I'm sure she was scared to death that the A would get out. I still think that's part of her problem of shutting everyone down. Like I said, small town...people talk....especially when she was seen in public with him.....it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Wow, Tax Drama not over yet!!!

I'll post more later, but WW I guess went to file separately and found out she owed $$. Told the tax prep to call me and tell me to make an amendment. I talked to tax prep (apologized for her getting in the middle) and she said I'm good, if I don't want to amend than I don't need to.

So now, WW can actually call MCS. Crazy. I didn't answer. She came to pick up D4 and told me I needed to call and amend. I said "WW, My taxes are done. I tried to tell you that this was the wrong approach, but you chose to do it this way." She then screamed at me "F You" right in front of D4, then said she wouldn't give kids back till I signed, then said she wasn't taking the kids, etc. We talked for a while, but there's no progress in her at all. D4 told me that Mom is being mean to MCS and when she gets to Mom's house she is going to go to her room and close the door. I said "D4, you know how sometimes you get angry and yell at Dad; Mom is just angry right now. It will be okay."

More to journal later, I told WW some stuff that may or may not have been good. Basically she said that I've been trying her back; I said "WW, I really don't want you back like this. I'm still not sure if this is who you are from now on, but I'm not interested if it is"