She filed for divorce right? She had you served with papers right? She refused to negotiate right?
Then don't feel guilty about hiring a lawyer to protect yourself. Hiring a lawyer is not being vindictive. You are protecting your self under the law.
She is the one who chose to unilaterlally blow up your marriage and family. You also don't have to come across as needy or wimpy.
Now that you have your lawyer, all communication about the Divorce goes through him/her. You are out of the emotional process? That's why the lawyers get the big bucks. Any other communication you may have with her should be cordial, polite and brief. I am having a hard time of that but am working on it.
She is legally bound to respond to your lawyer following her divorce petition, that is standard operating procedure. If her AP is loaded, he will not mind giving her some money for the lawyer fee's right?
Do you communicate with her at all now?
We have not communicated at all in the last 5 days. Prior to that we had limited informational texts but nothing in depth. I don't want to seem petty or vindictive, even though I had every right to do this. Especially after her behaviors to date.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
As you explained you were just defending yourself, no need to respond it is pursuit.
The patience had a double meaning, look at the time you asked for help above, 49 mins later you posted again......
I was still working on your links, LOL!
I understand the double meaning. I know that I am impatient. It's because I don't want to screw things up. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but there are so many different opinions and scenarios.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
She filed for divorce right? She had you served with papers right? She refused to negotiate right?
Then don't feel guilty about hiring a lawyer to protect yourself. Hiring a lawyer is not being vindictive. You are protecting your self under the law.
BINGO.
Starsky
I agree with everything said, and know that I made the right legal choice. Like I said, I just don't want to seem secretive or vindictive, and don't want to make things antagonistic and adversarial.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
I feel your pain! My situation is similar to yours in that my WAW has 3 children and I have 3 from a previous marriage. One difference, as far as I know, is that there is no OM involved. My WAW is staying 3 1/2 hrs away with her Mom/Stepdad.
We didn't fight much, but once all of our children (except 1 still who lives with his Dad) went to college, my W started acting distant, too.
I was on the WAS forum since December until recently I realized that it is for WAS's who support each other, not the LBS.
Please hang in there! My W seems to have resolve to get the D over with, but just the other day she sent me a text mentioning how much she misses me, etc. but not the "stressful situation." She has MS and I became overprotective to summarize. Problem is...she never told me or I wasn't listening.
If you have time, check out my thread on this forum (Newcomers). I have received some great advice, as I see you have, too.
We'll get thru this!
Bob
Bob,
I will read up on your sitch.
My wife also has sent me texts about missing my cooking and not wanting to be divorced at this age. Hello!!! You initiated this!!! WTF?
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Your BD is very fresh. It's not an easy time for you. As much as the sitch can last a long time, the beginning can be the hardest part for most of us. Keep that in mind.
At this stage, I see two issues you need to work on. First, your patience. Cadet is right about you showing impatience here and it is likely the same in your life. Your sitch is not going to be made or broken in the next 24 hours. Take the long view, don't stress out about every text and communication. Second is that you need to take the lead on your sitch. You get the best advice in DR, then you come here for some specific advice and mostly a place to think. It's not a team of advisors to decide in your place or even to give you carefully laid out options. It's all volunteers, most of which are also in the throngs of a D.
Stop worrying about what your W will think. If you're not vindictive, then it doesn't matter if she thinks you are. Remember that she's in the fog and that means that her opinions aren't logical. Make sure that you are very clear about yourself and hang on to that certainty while the storm passes. She screams at you "YOU'RE SEEKING REVENGE!!!" and, since you're not, you look at her calmly and your respond "I'm sorry you feel that way. I am not seeking revenge" because that's the truth. End of conversation. Don't engage further. Speak with your actions. Don't try to convince her because you won't. Don't expect validation from her at this stage. Be fair, be honest, protect yourself.
This focus on increasing your chances of R will not help you. You are so focused on a certain outcome that you lose your grip on the current situation. A word from a 7-month sitch newcomer: since your sitch will not resolve itself in the next couple of months, you'll have plenty of time to evolve your thinking on whether you want to R or not. You're still under shock so it's normal that you want to R badly and perhaps it's going to last until she also wants it. But the best you can do now is just to keep your options open. Do not think that there are wordings that will bring her back right now. Your job right now is to take some distance and to decide what is "the right thing" for you.
I'll give you my example. I've decided that I will be flexible with regards to the kids. I've decided that I want minimal communication and contact, so my text and emails are pure business and short. I want to be proud of my actions so I never ever share my anger, impatience or sadness with WW. I've decided that I'm no longer responsible for her happiness, so I don't try to comfort her. I've decided that I would be very clear and unwavering with her, so every thing I do is consistent and constant. I've decided that I'm ready for dating, something that is frowned upon here at this stage of my sitch, but again I've my own principles and live with the consequences. Once you have clarity about who you are and have such a set of principles, every single decision becomes much easier to make.
By the way, don't go making the mistake that it's by being the kindest and most compassionate H that you'll increase your chances of R. You need to re-create attraction by gaining her respect first. That means being strong, clear, decisive. You will have to do things that will upset her in the long run. You'll give her the impression that you are moving on (central to DBing). Again, don't seek her validation on your actions.
What you need right now is not tactical tips on what to write to your WW. You need to develop the right mindset and attitude. You need to understand how these things work. Remember DR, re-read it. Go read the success stories (top of my threads) to understand the arc of the successful sitches. You focus on a text message, but you really need to GAL. You wonder what she'll think, but your really need to develop your own personality. See what I mean? Go back to DR, listen to the advice here. It's not always what you seek, but it's for good reasons.
Hope this helps.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Your BD is very fresh. It's not an easy time for you. As much as the sitch can last a long time, the beginning can be the hardest part for most of us. Keep that in mind.
At this stage, I see two issues you need to work on. First, your patience. Cadet is right about you showing impatience here and it is likely the same in your life. Your sitch is not going to be made or broken in the next 24 hours. Take the long view, don't stress out about every text and communication. Second is that you need to take the lead on your sitch. You get the best advice in DR, then you come here for some specific advice and mostly a place to think. It's not a team of advisors to decide in your place or even to give you carefully laid out options. It's all volunteers, most of which are also in the throngs of a D.
Stop worrying about what your W will think. If you're not vindictive, then it doesn't matter if she thinks you are. Remember that she's in the fog and that means that her opinions aren't logical. Make sure that you are very clear about yourself and hang on to that certainty while the storm passes. She screams at you "YOU'RE SEEKING REVENGE!!!" and, since you're not, you look at her calmly and your respond "I'm sorry you feel that way. I am not seeking revenge" because that's the truth. End of conversation. Don't engage further. Speak with your actions. Don't try to convince her because you won't. Don't expect validation from her at this stage. Be fair, be honest, protect yourself.
This focus on increasing your chances of R will not help you. You are so focused on a certain outcome that you lose your grip on the current situation. A word from a 7-month sitch newcomer: since your sitch will not resolve itself in the next couple of months, you'll have plenty of time to evolve your thinking on whether you want to R or not. You're still under shock so it's normal that you want to R badly and perhaps it's going to last until she also wants it. But the best you can do now is just to keep your options open. Do not think that there are wordings that will bring her back right now. Your job right now is to take some distance and to decide what is "the right thing" for you.
I'll give you my example. I've decided that I will be flexible with regards to the kids. I've decided that I want minimal communication and contact, so my text and emails are pure business and short. I want to be proud of my actions so I never ever share my anger, impatience or sadness with WW. I've decided that I'm no longer responsible for her happiness, so I don't try to comfort her. I've decided that I would be very clear and unwavering with her, so every thing I do is consistent and constant. I've decided that I'm ready for dating, something that is frowned upon here at this stage of my sitch, but again I've my own principles and live with the consequences. Once you have clarity about who you are and have such a set of principles, every single decision becomes much easier to make.
By the way, don't go making the mistake that it's by being the kindest and most compassionate H that you'll increase your chances of R. You need to re-create attraction by gaining her respect first. That means being strong, clear, decisive. You will have to do things that will upset her in the long run. You'll give her the impression that you are moving on (central to DBing). Again, don't seek her validation on your actions.
What you need right now is not tactical tips on what to write to your WW. You need to develop the right mindset and attitude. You need to understand how these things work. Remember DR, re-read it. Go read the success stories (top of my threads) to understand the arc of the successful sitches. You focus on a text message, but you really need to GAL. You wonder what she'll think, but your really need to develop your own personality. See what I mean? Go back to DR, listen to the advice here. It's not always what you seek, but it's for good reasons.
Hope this helps.
THAT ^^^^, right there, is PURE GOLD. Much wisdom!
You're asking US what to tell your WW to make HER think a certain way. Are you just a conduit between us and her? Where are YOU in this? You need to get to a place where you have a strong sense of what you want to do, ideas that you want to test with outsiders. And to a place where what YOU think about your actions matter much more than what SHE thinks. That's substance. That's something love can latch onto.
Erratum: "You will do things that will upset her in the SHORT run." In the long run, you're more likely to impress her with your strong attitude. Don't mind her immediate reactions so much.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thank you Mozza. I agree with everything you have said. I will do my best to implement your (and everyone else's) advice.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
You're asking US what to tell your WW to make HER think a certain way. Are you just a conduit between us and her? Where are YOU in this? You need to get to a place where you have a strong sense of what you want to do, ideas that you want to test with outsiders. And to a place where what YOU think about your actions matter much more than what SHE thinks. That's substance. That's something love can latch onto.
Erratum: "You will do things that will upset her in the SHORT run." In the long run, you're more likely to impress her with your strong attitude. Don't mind her immediate reactions so much.
It probably seems like I am asking what to do in every situation. That is not the case. I know the kind of person I am, and who I want to be. My concern is in how best to carry out those things. Especially the communication. This is all brand new to me. No eggageration: I never saw this coming. I'm still learning how to act in this surreal landscape. I thank everyone for their insight and advice. This forum has been so very helpful to me, and I mean that.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
