Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused and mix messages. Part 3

((((Cherry)))) I'm sorry your R talk didn't go as you'd hoped. Good job on stating your boundaries. Keep backing them up with consistent action. Focus on yourself and let him go figure out his stuff. He'll either find his way out of the crisis or he won't. Not your problem.



He probably is somewhat depressed. Usually that plays a part in the crisis. It actually sounds like he feels guilty when he's home which actually is a good sign IMO. That says to me that if he figures out how to extract himself from the pull of OW, he'll probably be able to show remorse and that's important for the piecing process.



That's the right attitude! You are doing great.

Perfect mentality! He will dig himself out of that hole himself, when he decides to.

Well the positives is he has started saying I am an "option" as angry as that makes me.. He wouldn't entertain the idea of staying with me. He looks very very guilty, and my 180s and new found confidence no doubt confuse him.
Heart, I actually read your thread when I couldn't sleep and definitely see my H's characteristics in yours. It is very much script.

Don't pay any attention to what he says about trying to figure out how to tell OW he's coming back to you, b/c he may be giving the OW the same BS. There have been men who would keep both women dangling while thinking he was trying to let go of the other one. Having sex with both women......well, why would he hurry to end that kind of setup?

Here is a quote from a few posts back, and this looks more promising than any of the other stuff.



This ^^ is exactly how you need to handle yourself!

You're right sandi's. Although he has told me it isn't physical and he's gonna be honest with me ( I don't believe any of what he's saying there)

Ugh that time of night that I start to feel sh*t.. He's barely looking at me. Not really talking, nodding or shaking his head where necessary. You wouldn't think the other day we were like two teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off each other having sex multiple times.. He even admitted to feeling like a lousy dad the other day and now he's back at his ways. Ignoring baby. It's like he came out of the fog only to go straight back.. Arghhhh this hurts like hell

Hi Cherry, sorry you're not having the best night. It's important to keep your expectations of him very low on all fronts right now. Then it matters less to you when he isn't being a great Dad or H.

One thing I've tried to do, is get some new routines going for times of the day that feel a bit tough. If he doesn't want to interact with you, are there other nice things you can do? Bake stuff in the kitchen, go read your book, call a friend or so on? Remember not to depend on him right now for 'nice times' - he's not going to come through on that one for you at the moment. Make your own nice times, whatever he may be up to. If he wants to join in, fair enough...

I admire how you're handling things Cherry - you're doing really well. Find that sassy and confident woman inside of yourself again....

Thanks toots, I know you are right. I had got real good on low expectations. I do worry that he won't come out of this fog at all right now. But I guess, again I need to get back to my way of thinking that I'm going to be just fine either way. I thought I would come on here and journal a little rather than go to him and question him.
Does really annoy me how he frequently speaks to the other woman but yet he won't to me. He has said he agrees me and him might not be friends that hang out one on one as he will always be physically attracted to me and wanna sleep with me. I'm mean seriously. What the heck.

Cherry, I so hear you! Tonight my H came home and complained that he hadn't seen me for three days and we haven't talked, but then went to bed within 15 minutes! It's just a roller coaster that we can choose not to get on. I think the anger is a good thing, as well as a sense of humor. Night times are still my hardest time, right before I fall asleep.

Keep it up, and keep journaling on here. That's what I'm trying to do more of.

Yep that's really the key. It's like they no how to try and pull us on there. It's really like they are bi polar. After not uttering a word he then had some quite chatty talk with me where we both joked a little. I think humour, grace, and poise. I honestly try to keep myself on an even keel and not let his mood swings affect my mood.

Yeah journaling for sure helps, releases some of the things I'd like to say to him!