Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Focused on Me and My Son 2

Hi Sherman

Sorry your group got postponed - but good that it will go ahead next week. Sorry you aren't having the best day. As you say - good idea to get yourself out and pick out some pants. If in doubt - get yourself out....I always say that to myself anyway. It's funny how sometimes an hour out resets your mood.

Hope you find something nice to wear :-)

Sherman,

I have been following your sitch, and have some questions regarding sending a letter to her work. Please keep in mind that I am a newbie, and I am asking out of genuine curiosity.

What she and OM did was definitely unethical and wrong. However, if you contact the employer, are you not being vindictive or petty? What purpose would it serve, other than going nuclear and "paying her back"?

Having said that, I must confess that a tiny part of me agrees with you. I am in a similar situation. My wife's OM is the head of IT for the university that they work at. He is not in her chain of command, but is responsible for all of the computer security. He authorized and obtained a company iPhone for her, and that is what they used to carry on their affair. And to top it off, they used Facebook messenger, which is not a secure platform!

I have seriously contemplated notifying his boss, and I have no doubt that he would be reprimanded or fired. That would bring me short term pleasure, but would ultimately be detrimental and self serving. I probably will not do it.

Short answer is yes. It would actually be paying OM back more than her in a lot of ways. But they could both loose their jobs as a result as its a clear violation of the company code of conduct. I'm wrestling with this a bit and the OM knows this... he's the head of their HR department. So he's very unsettled at the moment... maybe just a bit of cold water.

My BIL is wants to make sure that the letter is sent. He has some very firm views of this type of thing (in the military and they don't pull any punches with this cr@p).

Nothing has to happen right away. But the Attorney has sent them before... says the timing has to be correct.

Strangely enough, when she described the OM, she said his personality is like me, his mannerisms is like me, he looks a little like me... I don't get it. :P

I just think she's a selfish a$$ on top of everything else at this point. And that everything she does seems to be to extract the biggest emotional reaction possible.

So I'm at work and starting to think I've developed a bad habit. During the entire situation, the only place I felt I could fall apart a little was my office. At home I had to show strength or be attacked. Plus my son was dependent on me to be consistant for him so he didn't get even more upset.

But at work, I'm still having trouble the emotions and just don't have the desire/energy to do much. The afternoons are the worst (especially when they're her nights with my S7). It's starting to really annoy me and I'm not sure what to do about it. When it gets too bad I get up and walk around the facility.

How long does this take to settle down? I know I need to grieve the loss, but I really need to be productive too.

I ended up chatting with an old colleague. He had a couple of points...

1. It's human to feel and don't sweat it too much. The more you fight it the longer it takes.
2. Continue to run, don't walk to the nearest exit.

I like the way he puts things.

I think it would be horrible not to feel sadness at what you had. That, to me, indicates that your feelings are true as is your willingness to change for the better. We all know the correct things to fly, but that pesky heart sometimes overrules our brain

I did something stupid. I've already chastised myself and so has the BIL/SIL. But advice would be welcome.

I got into a discussion with a neighbor a day or so back about taking care of my dog while I'm away from home.

My STBXW had posted about the divorce on facebook and all the neighbors know about it. We got into a brief discussion about what went wrong... I told what I did to contribute to the marriage, how I withdrew because of the crazy mood swings, personal attacks, etc. I even said hell... her brother thinks she might be bipolar... That was stupid #1 and I let my tongue run away. Dumbest thing I've done in a LONG time.

Well this neighbor told another neighbor and it got back to the STBXW. She flipped this morning. It was beyond not pleasant.

She said it was normal for a person to have emotional highs/lows during the decision making process for Divorce... I told her it's been going on for years, not just the past few months. I do think she needs treatment, but this is so not the way to do it...

Well during the course of the discussion this morning I started defending the possibility and pointing out all the signs... Including how she threatened her own son... How she was going to make Disney such a miserable experience that all he associates with the word... She started gaslighting (say she never said that) and I let slip about the tape (keep in mind I've suspected she's known for a while, but I confirmed it... stupid #2).

She's back to talking about taking our Son again (but only talking to him quietly).

She did throw out with my son present (he shot up to the master bedroom once she really started yelling.

• she can't trust me anymore
• that I'm a horrible nasty person
• she never wants to talk to me again
• that there's no possibility of us reconciling ever (I'm ok with this).
• she can't be at the house anymore as she's so embarrassed about neighbors know about the boss and that I mentioned bipolar
• that I can be sued for this (doubtful as I that BIL though she was bipolar)
• etc. etc.

I mentioned the tape in a fit of anger... I've tried to keep the anger controlled through this entire situation and it got the best of me this morning... it was even a bit self-righteous. Now I'm berating myself for it. But at least she knows I'm not just taking everything lying down, that I'm willing to fight and have been gathering the ammo... but still.

As for the neighbor... I guess it was sympathy seeking... I shouldn't have done that either.

In this I've been setting things up in my favor and just screwed things a bit... I still have more cards but they're not nearly as good.

The BIL says I've unleashed and fed the beast. We'll see.

Bright points that might come out of this though... she'll quit talking to me altogether and move out ASAP.

But I know as of last night, she's looking at going to a 1 bedroom flat, so doesn't have room for all the furniture or my son's stuff. She still might try to take him though.

I also don't think she'll tell too many people about the recordings, except maybe her attorney. She won't want them to wonder too much what's on them. I'm sure she's freaking out a little about what on them as well.

I've been feeling like I have to puke all morning. :P

Looks like you handled it then. Don't beat yourself up.

Maybe a blessing in disguise if this is the catalyst for her to leave. I agree with Starsky. Don't beat yourself up. Dust yourself off, get back on the horse, and keep riding.

Move along folks, nothing here to see

I too have learned to STFU. It has served me well.