Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Zelda - reflecting and grieving

Saw the MC this evening. Take-aways:

She feels as though he probably sabotaged. Is very capable of higher level thinking to scheme like this despite claims of conversations going too fast for him. Said that yes, it was rather pointed in how he handled it all. Whether intentionally or not. Strong indicators for BPD. I am haunted by something I posted in another thread, that I took as a good sign, when he said, that he was cautious about moving home because if we had some big blow up one night, that would be the end of our M and it was too important to him. I re-play that in my head and it almost feels like he saw himself doing this. The timing really is impeccable for his settlement. He just wanted sex and a roof over his head, I wonder. He probably had some of the more genuine moments I witnessed of 'trying' but just couldn't convince himself beyond a few days at a time.

She reminded me of other times she saw him manipulate. Feels that the move to my cousins further broadcasts the message "look what a good person I am. Feel sorry for me."

She feels that perhaps all along I was trying to fix abusive patterns I'd experienced growing up, by trying to fix and correct his behaviors.

I kept asking her for answers on how to view this. She kept asking why it was important, who he was, what he was? It seemed obvious to me, I just wanted to have it make some kind of sense. Did it mean anything, did he love me, ever? And the kicker was when she asked me if it meant anything to me - that was the important part. You guys know how that kind of question can strike you to the core; I sat there bawling. She suggested he loved me as much as he might have known how. It felt like a very childlike love - completely accepting of me, adoring, but very one sided and selfish with tantrums and attacks when he didn't get what he wanted.

The important thing she said is what I was going to do with this experience. I had to avoid the urge to ever 'fix' or teach again. Look for a partner that had grown up tendencies, one that would walk a path beside me, and communicate without the deceit and twisting she'd witnessed.

Why he treated me like this. This level of anger/coldness is inhuman, I really feel like that. It was so unprovoked. The day before he went crazy on me, him telling me how lucky he was. And it would make sense if he was controlling and stalker-ish, but instead I feel discarded and like I meant nothing to him in any real sense.

I want to write him a letter.

I suppose there is no point to it. But I want to ask him why he had to be so cruel and cold. To tell him I think of trying to ever trust and believe someone again and I want to vomit. That I thought I was worth more than this to him. To ask why he didn't apologize, even if he didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. To ask how he could tell me how lucky he was the day before.

And yet I am sitting here trying to blame myself. It is true. I am trying to imagine how difficult I was to live with and how he must have felt. Even though I am almost sure he knew how he was playing me. My MC/IC said that she isn't sure he is ready to admit to himself how manipulative he is.

I need to get my head out of his his.

You have given yourself good advice here ^^^^^^

The answer he should give you - honestly - is that he is not
himself and really has been abducted by aliens.

What he might really say is anyones guess
cause if his lips are moving he is lying.

So I think you are better off posting your
questions here and we can give you answers.

Thanks, Cadet. My friend just talked to me. Said she see and understands all the manipulation, but she also knows he is probably feeling like I gave up on him and kicked him out.

There's just no going back after this. What he did and how he handled it. I remember him sitting on the couch saying something about how it was him I had a problem with, this couldn't work - no, H, it's your behavior - W, I am my behavior - there is counseling and support for this - yeah, yeah, I hear you saying that, but change takes years...

Why am I doubting myself? This has been flat out abusive behavior and manipulative and he didn't care to work on it. My friend says maybe I pushed too hard and cornered him when I asked him what he wanted to do about it - maybe another couple of days to think would have helped. But then - why didn't he take the two-three days he had and think? Could I live with this kind of thing any longer, as bad as I am hurting now?

Why am I concerned that he felt I was such an enemy and no good for him - the tears were real, sure...but why am I backsliding into thinking of writing him, having lunch, talking with him about it? It's what we always did.

I think you need to for give yourself for anything you did or said.

Yes you may have made mistakes and so has he,
right now you really dont have anything to
move forward with in a relationship.
At the point in time that you are both ready then
maybe some of these questions can be answered.

I think this
is a good question.
There really is no reason why you should backslide although it happens to all of us.

Pick yourself up dust your self off and get back to basics of detachment.

This is good advice indeed, Cadet. Is there a guide anywhere - not how to ACT detached, but how to actually start peace-out-ing and accepting?

Is it normal to have waves of supreme detachment/denial, grief, anger all in the same day?? I can't believe I am going through this again. I can hardly think straight and have no idea what I am hoping for, the little bargaining bits in my head hoping in a few months he may get his independence, his feet under him, and want to approach me for this rollercoaster again. WTH.

YES

and it will keep going in this cycle until YOU decide to get off of the merry go round.

Think of detachment as an onion and you will keep peeling away different layers until you get to the center.

That would be great - I am in the same situation. One day I am OK, the next I am not. Today is a particularly bad day - back and forth - am actually feeling seasick.

I am over this. I will scour the web for it. If I find one, I will post here.

"Is there a guide anywhere - not how to ACT detached, but how to actually start peace-out-ing and accepting?"

It's in the book.

It's the primary purpose of GAL. It helps you to get your mind off the situation and to become a stronger person.