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Lol, closer. We have lived with this chaos for 17 years, and up until these recent events, we made a pretty good team. I was so proud of everything that we had gone through and still had a loving and dedicated relationship together, or so I thought.

She was the social butterfly and Pollyanna. I was the serious planner and rule keeper. Yin and yang. It worked well up until recently. Now instead of the steady planner, I am portrayed as controlling and rigid. I did all the cooking, cleaning, vacation planning, and homework over the years. She did the entertaining, and was a fun mother and grandmother.

I'm sure OP has had a great time with her. She is beautiful, exciting, spontaneous, and loves children. There's the small problem of having a husband, but she has now taken steps to remedy that.

I haven't written an email recently, but want to share what I sent her in early February. I don't think there's anything else to add at this point, and will remain dark. She will get my lawyer's letter in next few days, so I'm sure that will be the end.



XXXX,

Thank you for meeting with me last night. I was hoping for some answers and closure, and I think it was partially successful. I just didn't want there to be any doubt in your mind regarding my feelings and desire to make things work. I have had the opportunity to do some serious soul searching and know in my heart that I love you and could honestly forgive you for your affair. However, I also know that my feelings and desires are only 1 side of a 2 sided coin. In order for any relationship to work, both people have to be willing to put in the hard work required to fix it. After our talk last night, I realize that you are not at that point. As painful as it is, I must accept that once and for all.

I had hoped that you would have an epiphany and stop this runaway train, but it looks like a final train wreck is in our future. That saddens me more than you can realize. We have so much history between us and have been through so much together. We were so close to the end of our drama, and had a feasible plan moving forward. How sad that we didn't really even try to save us.

I have finally realized that the only thing I can control is myself. That has been a hard pill to swallow, but it has allowed me to look within and try to become a better person.

I will not demean you or put down your feelings. What you are feeling is real to you and I respect that. Like I have said numerous times, I hope you know him as well as you think you do. Even though you have integrated yourself into his life, he has not allowed you to integrate your family into his. The Tanya I knew would not have stood for that. She would have said "take me AND my family, we are a package deal"! For somebody supposedly so awesome, that seems quite selfish and controlling of him. I'm not being mean, but you should think long and hard about how he will react to the stress and drama with your family. I accepted that drama and stayed by choice. That should say something about character, both his and mine.

I just want you to be sure of your actions. If there is any doubt in your mind, I implore you to stop this process. Nothing is irreversible yet. Once this path is set, I will continue along that path. Divorce is final. It should not be done unless there are truly irreconcilable differences. Once divorced, you have the right to be with whomever you want, and so do I. Remember that.
By divorcing me, you are saying that you do not respect me or care about me enough to try and make it work. You can sugarcoat it all you like, but that's the gist of it.

You talk about remaining friends after divorce. I'm sorry, but I just can't see that at this stage. I want you 100% as my wife, and cannot be your friend while you are in a relationship with someone else. I will never hate you or be purposefully hurtful toward you, but cannot be your friend either. That's not to say that I don't love you, because I do. But I also have to love myself and not allow me to be disrespected. If/when we divorce, I will be completely out of your life. Not by choice, but by necessity.

XXXX, your husband, who loves you unconditionally.


Sent from my iPad

Any thoughts?

Use the 48 hour rule.

Wait 48 hours to send it.

You will get some more responses in that time, including one from me.

Cadet,

Just to clarify, I sent this email in February, 5 weeks after BD.

I was debating sending another email now. However, after reading this recent email, I have decided against it. There's nothing to be said that hasn't already been covered. My fear was that she doesn't know my true feelings. She does know them, and her actions indicate that she still wants divorce. She brought her process server to our joint financial meeting to serve me divorce papers, for crying out loud.

I am now doing my best to accept the inevitability of divorce. I am trying to detach and am remaining dark and NC. I am working on myself and my issues, and doing GAL activities. That is all I can do at this point.

As I said in email, I cannot be her friend. At least not right now. I don't want to be her enemy either. Recently, I have been completely dark and NC, except for emergencies. One of the dogs got hurt, and she asked me for old pain medicine, which I gave her. She texted "Easter" to me at 11:00pm on easter, but I never responded. Not sure if I should have?

There are no hard and fast rules.
My own opinion is NO but it is really depends on what you can handle.

Good call, Kramer. You are wise.


Starsky

Good for you and hiring an attorney to protect yourself.

As you and I both know, spouses in afairs are not thinking rationally. They think D is all unicorns and pixie dust. The harsh reality of fiscal losses, reduced time spent with children (regardless of how young they are or aren't) and all of the negative associations that happen as a natural occurance of divorce.

Yes, she may get very angry, I hope she does get angry and realize she can't bully you into getting what she wants. She chose this fight. Let the lawyers do the nitty gritty.

And yes, California is technically a 50/50 state - so you can go after her retirement if you want to. She can also go after yours. it depends upon how much each of you contributed to your retirements over the years. So the readl answer is "it depends".

are you telling your lawyer to go slowly and hope she pulls out of this tailspin? Could be the OM is a predator and thinks he can get some easy money our of any settlement. Just my .02 cents.

Hang in there.

Lol on OP looking for payday. Unfortunately for me, this guy is loaded and is actually the sugar daddy for my wife. My wife has a much larger retirement than I do, and I will likely end up 75k ahead. It's not what I wanted, but I'm not backing down. What's she going to do, leave me?

Hah!