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Wonka, I am willing to put forth as much effort as it takes. I just want to be okay with me and my kids no matter what the outcome. Naturally I would love for W to work on M and I REALLY think she needs counseling as do I. But she needs alot of help with her lying. I am not sure if the trust can ever be repaired. But one could always hope. I am so thankful for any help you can give.

Joe,

A brief word about your house. Why let it go to foreclosure when it can be short saled? Short sale of a house is preferred over foreclosure. Is that a possibility for you?

It's not The Secret I'm talking about here, but human psychology. As you are a father and stepfather, you've dealt with teenagers. The more one resists, the more a person rebels in opposition of that resistance. No one likes being told "no"...right? Same with your W. Telling her that her job is no-good, she has to quit, etc. just makes her dig in her heels all much more deeper.

Given her employment history, it is pretty much a strong possibility that W will lose interest in her current job if you don't keep feeding it oxygen through your own resistence to her job. Genius? Heh...it's just pure human psychology.

In other words, don't rail against it in your convos with W nor try to stage a family intervention. Instead, do the opposite: give it zero attention. Then it will eventually die off.

I must say that you did a good job calling W out on her lies about her shaky business because it AFFECTS everyone in the house. Do what we do with the dogs during dog training: reward them for positive behaviors and ignore bad behavior. So the next time W comes to you with the "truth" on some matter, collect yourself first (ie. no blowing up) then express your appreciation to W for sharing it with you and that it took some courage for her to open up.

One final comment here. You are doing a really good job in validating W when it comes to her mother and her concerns. You're on the right track here.

Wonka,

Thank you for the reply. I have checked into the short sale option and it was not looking like it would work for where the house is. Really small town. I am actually working on a Deed In Lew of Foreclosure. The mortgage company that bought my loan is TERRIBLE. A nightmare to deal with.

Everything you have said makes perfect sense. I started doing exactly this same thing recently. I don't say anything about her job. I let her do her thing with it. I am also letting her be responsible for how it is affecting the kids. They are making comments " mom is probably working again". Me and the kids do alot together.

I am actually giving her job zero attention now. I have been for awhile. I do not say anything negative nor do I bring anything up. She does not talk much about it either. She is a mixed bag of emotions!! Friday was her old self, Saturday old self and fun, Sunday off in la la land and today she was crabby and would not even look at me. I do not let it bother me anymore.

Thank you for your help. I am ready and willing to learn!

Joe,

i am wishing you luck with the mortgage company. they resist virtually all efforts to work with them at first...it takes them forever to make any headway from the standard. i eventually got them to do loan modifications on our house knocking almost 2% off of the apr without Refinancing...somethign at the begining they has said countless times they would not do. scores of letters and phone calls to anyone who would listen is what paid off...it took almost a year, but it was finally done.

we will keep reading, so keep posting

Thanks hwkies! I was offered a loan modification. That is what I tried to do at first. But with the missing payments it was way to much. I can't afford it. During our bankruptcy they started raising my payment every so often. I was struggling before. No way I could do the loan mod payment. The reviews from the company that services our loan are horrible! I hope it turns out okay. Basically my credit screwed up anyway from bankruptcy. Doesn't effect W at all. Her name is not on mortgage.

I am so sorry to hear how this is going down for you! We will keep praying and hoping for you!

Thanks hwkies! I am doing okay. I have had great help and support here. We moved into a rental in the same town that I work in last September. One became available so I took it to be sure we would have a place to live. Actually losing the house was probably for the best. I was very stubborn and kept hanging on and fighting to keep it, when i should have done something a long time ago. I am much happier now that we are in town. And if things don't work out with W, I can better take care of my kids here. Now if W would just pull her head out of her (beep) and come back to reality, that would be an improvement. But I am dealing with it pretty good right now. Reading alot about boundaries and codependency! I am learning so much!!

Codependancy with the wife AND the kids...it is something that i am struggling with. My kids are my life is not as healthy as it sounds, at least that is what i am getting out of the IC and reading that i am doing. Boundaries too. Setting boundaries is one thing, accepting that i will have to give up things to enforce those boundaries to protect myself, that is what is stings right now.

I hear ya! I never thought I had a these things going on till i started seeing myself in all these books. Never thought of myself as codependent! The more I think lately, if I would have read these books along time ago, I would be in a much better mental and FINANCIAL position now.

Joe

Hindsight and Foresight are both wonderful things!

Action today.

You are getting great advice from Sandi and Wonka, which I see you are applying. Why not when it's from the knowledgeable sources (ie from the vets) here.

V