My story is much like those that have been previously posted. Boy meets girl at work, boy and girl date, boy and girl fall in love and get married.
Unfortunately, boy doesnt treat the girl like he did in the first couple years. The first few years were great. We were in love, we did things, we went to places, we did stuff, we enjoyed each other. We eventually got married Jul 2010. Then.... something changed in me. I don't know what it was, I don't know how it happened, but something changed. I fell into a depression that I didn't know I had. I lashed out and segregated myself from the family. We would get into HEATED arguments and I was a yeller. I was degrading and condescending. I would let arguments not end as they should and carry into another day. Most arguments ended with her saying she was sorry and me not.
And this is how things went on for awhile. My depression grew deeper, and my anger intensified. I continued to be a yeller and an all around jerk whenever we argued. I started not socializing like I did and complaining that I had no friends. And people didn't like me around. She tried numerous times to get me to go to counseling but I wouldn't go. I said we could figure stuff out on our own, and.... for a while things would be good. Then..... the spiral back to where we were. During this time we had our first and only child (2011). Those times were fun and also trying. A new baby can be rough to handle.
Eventually, I think she got to a point where she didn't care anymore. She was emotionally spent.... and then THIS is the point where my eyes opened FINALLY. During this time I was deployed to the middle east. I came back, and my depression was worse. I felt unneeded and like I had no purpose in the family anymore. Now I was the one that felt alone and scared. My depression deepened..... At this point my mind slipped into a dark place and I started considering that maybe everyone would be better without me. These thoughts prevailed for awhile until I finally admitted it to her one night. That I had been contemplating hurting myself for quite some time.
She responded by immediately taking my son and herself and removing them from our home. She left for 4 days, after which point she said they would come back but only if i left for 2 weeks. The rules being I were to only speak to her via text about finances or if I needed to come back to the house for items. I agreed.... and left as instructed to stay with a friend. She said she needed space, so I did it, I didn't want to rock the boat.
For 2 weeks, I heard nothing from her. No I love yous, no I miss yous, no how are yous... nothing. During this time I was diagnosed with severe depression and was put on medication for it. I had counseling 3 times a week and it helped quite a bit. After the 2 weeks were over we had "marriage" counseling. It was a joke. Lots of "and how does that make you feel" or "how do you feel about that?" kinda nonsense. No kind of relationship advice, reconciliation, nothing..... also no mention of my earlier admission. It was her saying how miserable she's been for years and me sobbing and saying how sorry I was. Oh, and how she needed more time for me to be away..... so I agreed...... again.
Still no I love yous, no I miss yous, no how are yous. Nothing. It was only from me to her that those things were said. We have another marriage counseling with the same result..... and again she needed more time.
At this point I was desperately seeking some kind of positive words from her. Something to make me believe that we were getting back together. But.... nothing. I tried the 180 method and that was met with the worst result. She thought I was going crazy going from texting and calling regularly to nothing.
I read DB and DR and read them religiously. I think i finished DB in 2-4 hours. Same with DR. Nothing seemed to get through her wall. So, I went into survival mode and started separating myself from her, to include our bank accounts. This sparked an immediate response and she subsequently filed for divorce. I filed a response and this is where we are now.
So.... my question...... are we beyond saving? We both have filed..... But..... we have recently started talking again. We started establishing visitation with my son, and how we are going to divide debt. Our communication is better than it has been for 2 months. Do I continue to try? I found a counselor, a REAL relationship counselor who is willing to work with us. But I don't think my wife wants to go. She even said she didn't see what the point was. Because, and I forgot to add this earlier, she moved out of our house and into her own apartment.
Have I lost? Should I accept reality for what it is and let her go? My heart and my gut say no. My heart and gut say to offer up this new counselor the next time we are together. But is that too much? I don't want to look back at this someday and think.... damn.... I should have tried that one last thing. That one last counselor. But, I think she's not going to want to go.
I know this post was long but its quite therapeutic getting this off my chest to others who are in the same boat. I really don't know what to do. We are on such good speaking terms now and we text back and forth now. Never about the relationship, mostly about my son and our financial situation. But its more that what I have been receiving.
Just don't know what to do....... I love her so much, but I can't help get the feeling I'm too little........ too..... late.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you for the reply. I feel so hopeless and lost right now. I think my ship has sailed and now I'm left just floating hoping for something that will never return.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
BW- most of the time when people say stuff like that they are looking for other people to pick them up and say things that are very reassuring.
Acting sad and hopeless to get others to be comforting and nurturing.
See how this mirrors your depression in the M and how you used it to try to control your W?
Yes, it is possible to work through this. No, it might not go the way you want it to. The future is unknown and you CANNOT DO ANYTHING TO CONTROL HER back in.
So what you need to do now is decide if you can stop with the emotional games and be the strong person you need to be to take the action necessary to give yourself the chance you want. Do you want sympathy or do you want to save your M?
Assuming you're ready to do some real work, then the first thing to do is NOTHING. No immediate action is going to change anything. You can't speed this up, and you can't guarantee success, but you can sure slow it down and blow it up. My 30 days challenge is for you NOT to blow it up. Can you just take care of yourself for a few days or weeks, let some time pass, post some more, read some other stories, and take it as it comes?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I read your story because I found your post on mine. I am from a military family. I grew up in the military life so to say and married a man who had been in the military as well.
The things that you guys endure while deployed and are expected to do when you get back is just so difficult. I remember one time my step-dad came back from Honduras and he spent several weeks barely "there" even when we were in the same room with him. He was in a bus convoy some military vehicles exporting buses with civilians that was ambushed. He remembers seeing the bodies after the buses were blown up and little noises they would put him on the defense.
I can only say from my experience that your depression likely stems from some of the horrors you are processing because you serve our country. And you have tried to deal with it on your own and I commend you for finally seeking help.
Don't just do a 180... GAL... Get a life. Do things that you enjoy. Catch a movie by yourself or with a friend. Watch the sunset and the colors streak across the sky. I enjoyed one just the other night as I was burning leaves in the ditch line (never done before so I stayed out and watched the firs for hours). Stay busy in good ways. That doesn't mean staying drunk every night or bar hopping but finding truly great things you enjoy doing.
I used to be a marathon runner and endometriosis took that from me because the pain was so bad that there were times that it hurt just to walk. I'm now pain free for a few months and it is absolutely liberating but by then my marriage was so bad that I had no motivation to do anything. The first month he was gone was awful depression. But the second month, I started watching what I eat and no more emotional eating. I am happy to report that I enjoyed a big bowl of rocky road yesterday but it stayed in my 1500 calorie limit and I exercised for 30 minutes still. I'm dropping the weight I gained and finding new confidence in myself.
What do you miss doing? And what keeps you from doing it?
Zues, I see what you're saying and never looked at my actions in that light before. At this point, I want to fight until the bitter end. I don't want to look back and say.... "damn.... I should have at least tried that one last effort...." I don't know if she's done, she doesnt know if she's done either. We are definitely at what Michele considers "zero hour" and we are teetering on the edge. I reached out to a REAL relationship therapist and she wants to meet with us, and I broached the subject with my W tonight. She said she had to think about it and would give me an answer on Sunday as to whether she would go or not.
However, I am for the most part, at peace with either answer. If she says she will go..... awesome! Theres something that may still be there. If not.... well then at least I know she really is done and is moving towards being coparents and done with what we had.
She said, tonight, that her main concern was that she didnt want to hurt again. I understand this, and although that part of me is gone, it is hard for her to accept. I completely understand that I am asking someone who has already hurt, to risk hurting again. But, I also hope that after almost 5 years of marriage, that a couple months of giving our all, may be worth the effort.
She said she had to consider it and would give me an answer on Sunday. I feel I'm ready for both answers. No..... well that would be devastating, but it would be something.... and YES..... well that would be my "golden ticket" per say, and Id have something to work for.
I also understand the importance of GAL. Im trying very hard. I hit the gym every day and I got crazy hard on my diet. Im already pretty fit, but now its like its in high gear. Aside from that I've been planning trips with friends, reconnecting, and getting back into the things I loved to do when we first met. I literally dropped so many things I used to love to do for me and I think that was a mistake.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
Hey BW welcome to the boards. It is a place filled with great people. What caught my eye was the "yeller" thing. I was a yeller too. We didnt argue often. Sometimes for a couple of years all was good. But I behaved much like you at times. It wasnt that I wanted to be right. I wanted to be heard? Well she wasnt deaf. So what was my need to raise my voice and be condescending? Many in here have asked me that since I joined. I think about it often.
One thought. I dont like conflict. In order for me to deal with a conflict I made myself angry. It made it easier to deal with the unpleasant truths. Yes you read that correct. I made myself angry. No one makes you angry but yourself.
Yes upbringing has a lot to do withit. Both my parents screamed and through things at eacother. No way to have a good M like that.
So. Why would your W want to return to a M where she will be "yelled" at. How can she trust that your changes will be ever lasting?
Do post often. It really helped understand me. Im still looking at me. It is ok to be angry. But it is how you express that anger without wanting to hurt someone.
GAL a lot my friend
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Hey BMW, not an easy spot. I DO wish you support in your time of strife.
Everything you typed makes perfect sense, except for one thing. It doesn't really work that way. It looks good on paper, but when it comes to real life, well, that's not how it goes. Mike Tyson says "everyone has a plan until they start getting punched hard in the face".
Talking about how being abusive was something in the past...I personally don't believe you've really understood where this came from and have worked through it far enough to be able to casually say "sheesh, that's not me anymore". The road to hell is paved with good intention. This is supported by your view of things which seems to be all logic in your head, a series of decisions, a series of "either it will be this or this, what can you do, it is what it is". The problem is that our EMOTIONS don't agree with your assessment.
For example. If you lose a love one, you can't simply tell yourself "well, they're gone, I guess nothing I can do so oh well" and stop feeling bad. There are a LOT of emotions, thoughts, beliefs, and other fallout to deal with for a long time. It changes who you are.
The fact that you're talking as if you can just pick a road and go with it indicates to me that you're not good at really dealing with emotions, that you don't really know how they work. And, it's possible you really DO think they work this way, and that "you really can just shut them off". If so, I know how this is done and NO ONE was better at it for 20 years. *************NO ONE I WOULD BET MY LIFE ON IT**************** Read my threat and you'll get a hint.
In reality, whether she says "yes" or "no", YOU will have a decision to make. Do you want to work on you? Do you want to grow as a person? IF SHE REALLY DOES WANT TO WORK ON THE M the first thing she'd do is TEST you to see if you were being sincere. The easiest way for her to do that would be to tell you "no", then see who you became after she thought you had given up, or to see how you responded. She's seen the "nice guy act" too many times. You can't act your way out, you'll have to really grow up quite a bit.
Again. SLOW DOWN. You're really uncomfortable being here which makes sense. But the rush to get clarity so you can accept and feel better again...if you can't sit with this crap you'll never make a M work.
But I believe you can do it. I am doing it. And I PROMISE I had as many addictive tendencies and emotional problems as ANYONE.
PS- reading your plan again reminded me of a quote I like:
THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEORY AND PRACTICE. IN THEORY. BUT THERE IS IN PRACTICE.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Rick.... no one would want to return to someone who was a yeller. I get what you're saying. I really don't know how to show her that Im not that guy anymore other than through my actions. However, we spend next to no time together, so its almost a double edged sword. I really don't know how she can trust me again either..... I don't know how to get her to see that she can trust me when, once again, we spend next to no time together.
Zues.... you're right, I really don't know how to deal with my emotions. Ive never been an emotional guy. I was good at shutting people out and off. I was extremely good at it for a long time. I was one of those "if you don't like it, then stuff it and move on..." and nothing and no one could change my mind once it was set. So here I am "feeling" stuff and, for lack of a better term, it [censored].
Im trying my hardest to "sit in it" as you put it. But dear lord is it hard.... I don't want to make any decisions that have a permanent impact because I desperately want things to work out.
Drop off and pick up of my son today was rather fast with little convo. She wasn't cold, but she was also not going to have any delays either. I don't know if it had something to do with my request last night or not. I got her a little flower arrangement for easter and she appeared to like it, but again, it was a very quick "hi" and "bye" kind of thing. I didnt push for any time nor did I bring anything up that was discussed the night before. I figured it was best to leave that alone and stick with and respect her wishes to give me an answer on Sunday. I also figured it was best to not say anything about feelings or what not either.
Thanks for the support guys..... its too bad there isn't an option to sit and talk about this stuff over a beer or two.
Me-35 W- 30 Married Jul 2010
S - 4 BD - 23 Mar 15 I responded to filing 27 Mar 15 OM suspected in Feb OM confirmed 7 Apr
Song Casting crowns - Broken together (amazing song check it out on youtube)
Eventually, I think she got to a point where she didn't care anymore. She was emotionally spent.... and then THIS is the point where my eyes opened FINALLY. During this time I was deployed to the middle east. I came back, and my depression was worse.
What did you do once your eyes were opened?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
