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Interesting nite. She called & I talked to S. Then she got on the phone & told me how she did a hard procedure on 1st try. Told her I was so impressed & proud of her. She was so happy to share her story & thanked me for listening. Then she started to tell me how hard a time S has been giving her. She actually teared up and said a Bravo I don't bad talk you. I assured her I don't that she has her feelings, S has his, & I have mine. I can only control mine. She went on about how stressed she was from house stuff & working so much, & choosing between two new jobs. I told her that i knew she'd make a great choice & that in spite of everything I still believed in her. She said that meant a lot. She said that she hasn't been mean, I told her I know she's done her best but if she said that about D being the best for the family that was wrong. She said she didn't recall saying that. That it was only what she thought was best for her not the kids.

She mentioned me saying I don't like her friends in front of S.

Told her I don't know them but I have an issue w/anyone supporting the destruction of my family. & I'm not comfortable having them being around the kids w/the lifestyle they lead.

I was calm & loving throughout. I told her she was welcome to come out w/the kids & I and she'd see I don't talk bout her. Even told her about Sam always putting the plate out for her at the place we always eat at on Tuesdays (she knows that our tradition).

I told her some of her negative assumptions were correct before at times but haven't been that in spite of what she chose to do. She's still painting herself as a martyr & victim but I was shocked she showed some vulnerability. She must've been carrying this stuff for a while. I told her I'll always listen. I didn't offer any suggestions just listened. We talked for like 20 minutes. Just shocked.

Proud that I didn't throw in her face that she does treat me like carp at times. Really working on the recordkeeping. Didn't tell her how she should feel.

She did get upset when I told her that the kids pepper me with questions & tell me things she says. I told her if some of the things are true while disturbing, it wouldn't affect how I treat her or talk negatively about her. She really tried to deflect or minimize S feelings when I told her he wasn't happy. Kids act out when they are unhappy. Well her relationship with them is hers & that's between them. I will say that they trust me and don't give those issues probly cause they know I didn't want this. They also see me treating her with respect in spite of how she treats me.

so S had his first baseball practice a couple of days ago but she didn't tell me. found out on our convo the other nite. she said at the time that he may have one Sat but she wasn't sure. i asked her to please let me know cause i would like to go. didn't blow up at her or anything. so Sat i hadn't heard anything so i got up early and texted her. she said yes it was at 2.

i got to practice and sat in the stands and she asked me to come sit with her. i was pleasant and she talks to me about the house, her job, etc. i listen and look into her eyes while she's talking.

after practice, she asks if i want to go to early dinner with them. couple of things were said that i never knew about, like she didn't want to go back to school that i shamed her into it and acted like she had no inititiave. i don't recall that but she did. i just let her know that i didn't remember that and i was sorry. all she wanted was three kids and to work flexipool. again, something i didn't know. i said that i prolly would've grumped about it but at the end of the day i would've done it. she said that we'll just have to disagree about that. i told her that she doesn't know me better than i know myself. i told her that i would've worked plenty hard to make it happen just like i worked extra all those times to save for good vacations for them. she acknowledged that i was great about that stuff.

she asked about the adventures i've/we've been on (the kids and i). told her some and she shared some the things she's done (surprise a lot of pubs and breweries). on the way back, she mentioned that i'm a whole different person: speak softer, kinder, better dad, go to church, lost weight and i said i'm worth it (reference to the other night). she patted my leg and said "i always knew you were and you could be this person and i'm so proud of you".

the kids were so well behaved and happy to have us all together. i think she did it because i told her the other night she was welcome to go out with us and see what it was like (that she's not "bashed"). when we got back to my car, i reminisced about the area we were in. on holloween 2013, i visited and we walked around that neighborhood with the kids. i saw a local cop that night and asked bout a job. i kinda said that it would've been nice to have ben hired earlier.

i told her that i was sorry for the way i acted when she was here and i was there that i was so scared, depressed, and i felt like i was letting them down. she said that it was hard to see that as i screamed at her on the phone. i told her that was wrong of me and i was sorry. she kinda opened her arms for a hug (while sitting in her seat but i didn't do it). kissed the kids and she rolled down her window. i walked up and smiled big reached through the window put my hand on her cheek and kissed her other one. she smiled and said see you tomorrow.

she kept talking bout raising her kids in the house, working less to see the kids (and date i'm sure). at one point S (God love him) said when is yall's anniversary and she responded with alacrity the right day.

i'm sure it means nothing. she's prolly just peeking outside the gate at me on my picnic blanket. as evidenced by the fact that she was surfing match within an hour after this.

S said that she learned that she was unfriended by me and said it was a "bummer".

Hi Bravo,

How are you doing? I'm curious to know how you're feeling about yourself and your future and how detached you think you are these days?

Your situation and relationship with your XW is difficult for me to read but its positive for your kids if you can do things like have dinner together.

hey Jim,

Honestly, i'm doing awful. with everything that has been happening in the last couple of weeks, my life feels like it's heading into the toilet. with the taxes, job, this stuff, etc. i was doing pretty well at the detaching, but the progress has really been dealt a blow. i will say that the dinner was initiated by her.

frankly, t'm really struggling right now. i miss my wife and family. the questions i get from the kids are getting harder to deal with. they both wanted pics of our whole family together to put in ziploc bags to carry around with them. my D started bawling the other day because "this isn't the way its supposed to turn out. y'all are supposed to get remarried and i can wear a pretty dress and brother can wear a tux. it's supposed to end in happily ever after!!!"

S has started recounting good times as a family out of the blue. last night she called and they both didn't want to talk to her. i just hold them and let them know that i'm sorry that it is like this and that i love them very much.

nothing much else i can do. i will say its amazing that i don't hate her. i know i hurt her but i SO want the chance to make it up. that said, she has a lot to make up for too.

what stinks is that our schedules now would have allowed us to have quality time together just us. to explore our new surroundings. the same thing she put in her profile she wants

as if life couldn't get any worse, when i reported to work i was pulled aside by my supervisors.

long story short, i was given the opportunity to resign.

just wanting the pain to end...

What happened?

sorry bravo. it's not good to be kicked when you're down. any chance to recover?

If not... a new start is a new opportunity to focus, right? Work is GAL.

((((bravo61)))) it will get better.

I'm worried about you bravo61. This is a lot to take at the same time, and many of these situations are tremendously difficult in their own right. It would be completely normal if you're struggling. What are you doing to cope? Are people around you aware of all that's going on? Is there someone at your side helping you to get through it? I think about you.

thanks for checking in folks. no there is no chance to recover, it was resign or the alternative. i don't really have anyone around me. there are some folks back home but that's just it, they r back home.

so today i've turned off the cable, cancelled gym membership, cut out parts of my car insurance, filed around 20 applications and tried to keep from driving into the river.

these are the times life partners are for.

when will it end?

Mr. Bond,

when i started this job, it was less than 2 weeks after a move across country to ba greeted by "i love you but not enough to go on with you". for 5 months i was an emotional wreck and had a hard time focusing at work. it came across as laziness and they had a sour taste in their mouth. while my productivity had improved greatly, it was seen as "we shouldn't have had to tell you that".

i have no idea what i'm gonnna do...