Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ...and another WAS

If she doesn't make any of the changes she needs to make, would you accept that?

I accept this totally. I am not really focused on what the WAS did wrong in the M. These can be worked on. My problems can be worked on. There were lifestyle issues/schedules etc which can be worked on and I think "fixed" easily enough. The biggest problem is that she "maybe" doesn't love me anymore, another thing I absolutely cant change. The only problem I am really focused on that the WAS did wrong in the M, was leave it the way she did, without trying together at all.

I don't see how. But maybe that is short-sighted. In 6 months time things will likely be different.
The family house will be sold by then though. we will haveour own places, etc .

Any - NO
Some - Yes

which MUST change. 2 biggest problems. 1. she left 2. she neglected me and our R. although i think we are regaining time with the kids growing up. scheduling can be redone and R would correct itself largely. still, work is needed to guide it. "was" i should say. if we had've got on to this 6 months ago. Now, things are bad, real bad. She hates me, she screams she will never say sorry, she is 100% victim, she never wants to even try reconciliation.

I fear she is not going to calm down and backtrack. she is going to calm down, live with the OM, resolute that life w me was crap, and new life is great.

There are somethings which honestly I could claim them to be problems now, but necessary to change as a condition, probably not. Really they are character traits (no one is perfect) that were always "undesirable". When the R was in bad shape, all of the good things that made these minuscule in comparison were no longer there. e.g.The cooking, cleaning etc. I dont minding more than half, close to all maybe, but if she could help, and mindfully NOT make more work that would be excellent.

ok time to bump myself back to the front page so people might get back to me. Had a crappy day. Talked to a good friend, who I had forgotten was himself a WAH many years ago. I'll explain further in a bit.

I have read them both - plus most everything else that MWD has wrote or recorded.

If I had to pick one it would be DR!

thanks Cadet

I shouldn't expect too much of myself I suppose. It is only 3 months since BD. 2 months since frantic, shock, pleading, fighting for the marriage in person stopped, 1 month since it stopped by email etc and covertly via her parents etc and still going in my heart. Never had a whole day that is good. This afternoon was depressed over loss of family, not particularly W. Cleaned out car and found some of W's stuff. depressed about wife. Talked to an old friend - depressed about everything .

Talking about custody - whilst ATM W seems to be happy w 50/50, she is not happy w locale. She wants to move 1-2 hrs drive away. Realistic compromises would seriously dint validity of maintaining 50/50 custody. I have already proposed myself as the primary carer - no response as usual, but as my friend pointed out, if she is not already planning it, she will realise it soon enough, that ideal sitch for her would be new man, new house, new locale, full custody. Then she gets win, win, win. And courts most likely to go Mother's way if it comes to that.

and why should his opinion carry any weight - because as the WAH years back, that is what he wanted - and eventually got because his W was crazy. Now he has a great life. Hence my post elsewhere - in his eyes WA was the best decision he ever made.

Talking about W and M - she was unhappy in the relationship. He co-worker was an option out. She took it. By the time the BD, she was way down that path already. Resistance was futile. Resistance now is futile.

So should I give up? Actively - yes. Passively - ???

My friend is ridiculously happy now with the woman he walked away with (also a co-worker). My W could end up the same way. So when do I give up, passively even? When the new R lasts 1 year, 3, they marry. It is very unlikely that R will end before our D is granted.

Invisibly working to win back my W, or yes yes I know GAL is for my benefit with or without my W. But the life I want is w my family. without this worry of custody and property. we can GAL together. already i feel that I am sort of escaping reality, GAL to appease DBing but escaping moving on by posting on this forum and secretly harbouring the plot to win my wife back.

I can only tell you that we all have been where you are now,
there is only one way to go and that is FORWARD!

I have learned so much about all of this stuff,
I really should have a PHD in it - LOL!
Never thought I would be here, but here I am.

Start with reading the book(DR)
How are you doing reading the homework I gave you?