Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ...and another WAS

something I have found remarkable since all of this started is that advice to poor souls in our predicament almost makes it sound like an opportunity, as if people should do it regularly, break up that is.

realistically I can see how we should always work at being this healthy, HavingAL always and not just GAL when the **** hits the fan. Unfortunately life does not always give us this time.

another concern of mine. how they'll feel in 6 years, 12 years? as in 6, 12 years ago she was in love with me. now she is just not.

maybe she genuinely fell out of love with me? she must've I reason. How else could she do this to me? Did i fall out of love with her? To be honest, I think I did. but not with her exactly, the person that she was and i was because of our lifestyle. I could see that lifestyle about to change, and i could see an even better future than the past which was so special.

I can only see a "new-ish" relationship blossoming perhaps as there has been too much said in the past two months to ignore. I can entertain this idea, she absolutely can not. in reality though, whilst i am behind the eight ball, she too has been damaged in my eyes. the girl who was once more beautiful than i had dreamed possible is now the most cruel person i ever imagined.

I will agree that the premise of the books is to save your marriage. However, the underlying goal is to save yourself. To make sure you are the best you can be. Then if your M ends you don't take the same baggage or behaviors into the next R. After all, the only person we can control is ourselves and we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness.

It is an opportunity to focus on yourself and decide what you want out of your life. Yes, it's painful and none of us want to go through this. But we don't always get what we want in life. You are going through it, so you can either pull yourself up and do the hard work, or wallow in the negative.

I don't really think anyone is saying we should do this regularly. They are just saying that it does happen and you can use it as a stepping stone to positive change in your life.



Life is busy and hard, but it's our choice if we want to make the time for GAL even when we aren't in crisis. We all decide what we want to prioritize in our lives.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's a really hard thing to deal with. This is a great community and you'll find a lot of support though. You'll probably be challenged to dig deep. That's how you grow.

Tell us more about the issues in your M. You said things hadn't been good for years, can you elaborate on that?

thanks .

Since R started, I was older, my house, I cooked, cleaned, banking etc. Didn't really notice, because without kids still had time. Didn't really mind. Following birth of 1st child discovered W was totally, obsessive Mother. I became invisible servant. After months of this schedule, unfulfilling job, health issues - I got ...jittery.
First few months they were both asleep by 9PM. I stayed up and had a few more wines (which absolutely didn't help anything). Months later again, when W stayed up past 9, night after night I would lay there waiting for her to come to bed. She never did. I dropped all sorts of hints, notes, suggestions etc about how our relationship needed to be taken care of. we were after all the cornerstone of the family. Finally, one night I called her into the bedroom and said "Whilst it is a problem for me that you don't come to bed, it is a bigger problem that you dont WANT to come to bed". She admitted that she didn't. I wasn't a priority for her.

I made excuses for her that it was biological or hormonal, but basically I went downhill after that. I went into therapy 6 months larter, suicidal, overwhelmed by everything. I got "better", but basically swept my happiness in the M under the carpet. By the time she reacted I was well and truly gone. She could have reached me, but never really directed things at me, or at least with me. Nothing really changed in our lifestyle. My schedule was horrendous. Friends and family commented that I never stopped and all she ever did was play with the kids. dont get me wrong, the kids were my priority too, and i dont underestimate how hard a job it is, but i did that part too. we have 50/50 custody now and i dont do more work with the kids - just less the wife to pick up after.

it wasn't just the bedroom BTW

When things were good, prior to the kids, what did your R look like? From what you say above it seems you felt you did everything and she did nothing. Did you resent that?

A baby is a big change and often the H feels neglected when the W is giving almost all their attention to the baby. I would bet money your W also felt overwhelmed and neglected though. There are two sides to every story. What were your W's complaints about you? How have you changed since the good days?



Can you give some examples of what you said or did? Do you think your W perceived these actions as you intended? I ask because I can remember as a new mother being angry when my H made suggestions. I took it as "here's one more person wanting something from me. Telling me I'm not doing enough." His intent was to tell me his needs weren't being met. My perception was that he was selfish didn't care about my needs. Just something to consider

As the LBS, we all have a tendency to focus on what the WAS did wrong and shine a light on all their faults. That doesn't help you. You can't change them. Use this time to figure out what you contributed to the breakdown of your M. That is what you can change. No one is perfect. Focus on finding your own happiness. Through your actions your W will see your changes and be intrigued. Eventually she may be attracted back and want to work on the M. No one knows when or if that will happen though. Reading DB/DR will definitely help. I would recommend getting it as soon as you can.

Thank-you Heart for your considered words. Helps me greatly. Especially your comment about being a young mother. I'll answer in parts though rather than one long post. Also I have other stuff to do today as well. So, part 1:


Biiiig question. Not very physical on her part. Her actions were very similar to a past GF who was abused as a child. W recalls no such abuse. I accepted this. Mainly because I was older I think and had had physical relationships and did not attribute primary importnce to this.
Instead, we had very close relationship. Emotionally and intellectually. To be critical, I was "mentor". I was 10 years, older, wise, worldly, way more than average life experience and now/then very highly educated. I can see how this alone could be ....annoying.
She was young and naaive. She had a heart of pure gold, made me feel incredible, and this was what I knew from experience was most important to me. Still is. So, very possible that that she has simply grown up.
It is not like we havent grown together though. Four years ago (after the first 8 or so years) we were still good.
Still, we have a family now, and however bad it might be, we can't just walk away without trying everything we can.


Felt... I actually did. probably 90%. She admits she is a domestic pig, she makes mess not just doesnt clean up. As I said, was largely unnoticeable for me before. In the last 4 years, absolutely resented. She did try to "help" towards the end. But for me it was possibly a case of too little, too late.

In some ways it is possible to classify me as the WAS and her as the LBS, whilst still in the M.
I recognize my part/fault in our M breakdown. I am willing to acknowledge other things she/you points out.
All I want is this chance, but things have gone beyond this.
She gave up on us, and found another path several months before ending the M.
I resent that she never raised her discontent as a D issue until it was too late.
Answering a later question I will include that I did raise it as a D issue 3 years earlier. But I got shutdown. So I quietly absorbed it and became more depressed.

Absolutely. BUT - I have a sister, cousins, friends with young children. My neglect surpasses their cases. Everyone notes her obsession with the kids as abnormal. Then and now.
I knew this, I tried to point this out, as did her friends, Mother's group.




Great point. In hindsight, considering her words exactly, I was another thing to take care of for her, whereas for me it was more like your H sitch.
E.g. of a pivotal point moment. One day on the way home from work I heard a lecture from a psychologist doing a public lecture tour. One main point in his lecture was that the most imortant relationship in a family is that between H and W. Everything else falls into place. I couldn't wait to get home and tell my wife in detail. This was like finding gold. Exactly what I needed.

My wifes response wasn't negative at all, she agreed. But nothing actually changed. In retrospect this is also my fault. I should have insisted on, or forced a change in our lives. As with everything I regret not doing x,y,z.

My wives complaints about me - hard to answer. Basically she was sick of my depression I guess. Although, it was more of a reactionary depression. I am OK now - except for the obvious. Regardless, I will call it depression here to describe my overall grumpy behaviour over the past few years.
She attributes my depression to being in the wrong job, etc, all the peripheral stresses. Until the BD it had been swept under the carpet for years that the origin of my depression was our M, or our R. Actually it had sorta been raised on a few occasions over the years. Usually in an angry setting. The most recent being when she brought OM home for 2nd time, after the 1st time I voiced my disapproval. She accused me of being a jealous child, to which I replied "Damn right I am jealous, it would be different if we had a R". I should've known from 1st time onwards that she had clearly chosen her right to have whatever friends she wanted over her husbands concerns.

Basically though I was not the fun person I used to be, and the person I can feel that is re-emerging now. Regardless of the future of the M, headed for D Jan.2016, I need to do this and I want her to see the new me (although an incomplete work as yet). Ultimately my only chance of winning her back eventually will be for her to see the new improved me. Two concerns I have though - 1. we dont have any contact. 2. she needs to change some things too

oh yeah - so which book - DB or DR?