Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Being deceived by WAW, in need of some coaching

The longer you wait the harder it will be to be seen as serious.

I'm having a hard time following your logic. Taking care of your kids is an extremely attractive quality. Running and leaving her to do it all will most likely foster resentment and anger at YOU, not to mention damage your relationship with your children. How does that help you if your goal is to save your marriage?

Yes, if you ask her to leave, she could move in with OM. You have no control over that. Your fear of what she MIGHT do is holding you back. These situations are very tough and it can take awhile to get there. However, living in fear is not really living. It's just reacting. You have to stop focusing on what she might do, and instead focus on what you need to do for yourself to be happy.

Her moving in with OM may help your sitch a lot. Nothing like living together 24/7 to strip away the romance. Particularly if there are kids and a STBX in the mix.

Her staying at home and going off to see OM will probably keep the frisson, romance and fantasy alive longer.

JMHO...

Living with the OM will be great for him either way, because either he gets rid of her or she gets reality and wants to come home.

However if you are going to "let" her live with the OM, you cannot financially support her or make things easy for her. She is currently an adversary, you have to be used to looking at her like this.

If you fund her lifestyle through love, emotions, money and time she will never ever stop. And if this OM relationship burns out, she will find another.

I feel like, once we separate and she moves in with OM,
I'm done with her. By that point it won't matter to me whether taking care of the kids will be attractive to her or not. I want
to take care of them because I love my kids and I want to
be there for them in this difficult situation. But I'm not sure if I can handle it right away, without a proper healing.
As you said I need to focus on myself to be happy.
I believe for me to be happy and move forward I need this time out to get back up.

My W and I went out clubbing last Saturday with some friends of mine. That's something we rarely did. I enjoyed her company and I think she had a fun night as well. Though I bet in the back of her mind she was comparing this experience with her nightouts with OM.

My W also acts kinda more demanding lately and sometimes speaks with a commanding tone.
I don't really know how to deal with that.
Is she grieving the loss of her freedom with OM?

My perspective about this whole situation is changing a little bit. In the beginning I couldn't imagine moving forward without her. I still don't want that to happen, and I still want to give it my best shot to make this work. But I guess her continous BS and her attitude is demotivating me a bit. I'm now starting to dare imagining what a future would be like without her. I don't know, should I let go of those thoughts?

I'm also planning to confront her tonite or tomorrow night about her continous texting and my suspicioun that she still sees him during the day.

My inention is to make clear that I don't want to live in a marriage where she's not 100% faithful.

Can someone advice me of an effective way of saying that without sounding needy and controlling, but firm and setting a clear boundary?

I'm thinking of something like:
"Look you obviously haven't stopped texting each other. And I believe you're still seeing him. There's no way of working it out between us if you keep him around. When you're lying to me, your lying to us and our future as a family. If you can't be 100% faithful then we should start discussing how we're going to separate...."

Hey SK

Just my opinion but I have moved out from marital home.
Since I have my sitch has become easier. We don't talk about us, M, R her affair nothing. We just communicate about d8 who we share 50/50 parenting of. Im only a few miles away so easy for school runs etc.
You need to concentrate on you. If your wife wants to go off with OM, Let her go. Wish her well, He is obviously her soul mate and she should have been with him forever (the last bit is a joke)

Do some googling on let them go + affair and also robx and Gucci loafer. They used to post on DB. If you google around you'll find some excellent advice about letting them go.

Do what is best for you and your kids. Sitting in limbo doing the pick me dance is soul destroying and about the most unattractive thing you can do. Don't read into what you will or wont feel about what actions your wife takes. You have no idea how you will feel next week, next month, next year.

As for time to heal. The best way is to get busy. So spend time with your kids doing stuff. Do stuff maybe you never have before. when you don't have your kids do stuff for yourself. Get fit? new hobbies, pick up old hobbies, whatever. Worst thing you can do is sit around waiting to heal.

Ontheup,

Thanks for your input.
I already read the posts you
mentioned and yes, it makes sense.
The thing is, her actions and attitude is telling me she's got at least one foot back in the M.
If there's a part of her who wants to save it and I do too, then I shouldn't let her go just yet.

Can you tell me what made you decide to move out, instead of having your WS move out?

A lot of DBers are suggesting that the WS is the one who should leave. But I don't understand that logic.

I think when I move out, there's a slight chance she will miss me around the house and she may come to her senses and attempt to reconcile for good.

But if she moves out, she'll probably live out her teenage life style. I don't see the romance between them to wear off anytime soon. It will. But not soon enough.
Therefore making any chances of us reconciling a lot more
slimmer.

Have you actually read the books yet? If not, why?