Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Masterpiece - a little more progress...

So we had a great outing as a family today... totally fun... But of course, at some early odd hour of the night/morning something woke me up and I got up to check on the kids... As I walked down the hallway I heard W talking... Was Skyping with OW... topic of convo -- their plans for a wedding...

So just having a day filled with mixed emotions... It seems the more I turn to God and prayer in this situation, the more my W and OW seem to move towards each other... And while I do feel God is working inside of me and helping me become the person I need to be, I can't help but wonder why I also have to keep enduring so much pain... Just when I think things can't get any worse, I learn something new and it just feels like the knife gets turned and twisted even deeper than it was before.

Our family outing just felt so normal and so good -- we all had fun... nothing makes any sense to me right at this moment... I just don't understand why this nightmare has to be happening to my family.

Sorry to not have a happy update today... Just really need to vent my frustration with this totally insane nightmare.

This is all probably hitting me harder today because today it is officially 10 years since we met... in 5 days it will be the anniversary of our first date which is the date that we consider our official anniversary. When we celebrated last year I thought maybe we would be planning something really big for this year since it would be our 10th... Well, something really big is happening, but it's not at all what I expected :-(

Jer,

IT.IS.NOT.YOU.

Your W is lost out in orbit. Your sitch reminds me of RosaLinda where her XH romanced a Russian OW through Skype and visited her over there to "spackle" her kitchen. Oh and eating fermented oatmeal because the OW thought it was good for his health.

I know it's not me... I guess I'm just having a down moment where despite the progress I feel I've made through all of this, I'm realizing the craziness is just getting worse and it's hurting a lot right now... Oh -- BTW -- the A is still an EA b/c OW is saving herself for marriage (so really nothing physical happened on the crazy trip to see OW) -- which is why they were discussing their future wedding and how W can respect OW's wish to wait until they are married... (And OW is STILL not "out" her any of her family and friends -- I'm sure they are all just going to be overjoyed when she comes out to them and tells them who she is in love with and their plans for getting married...)

Up until about a year ago, my W was still talking to me about our wedding plans for when it becomes legal in our state... so hearing all of this really felt like huge knife being twisted in my heart -- especially to hear it on the anniversary of the day W and I met... Ugh!

I know she's in orbit... I'm just trying to get back to being able to accept this as it is... so freaking frustrating and painful right now.

BTW -- I have not acknowledged to her that today is the anniversary of the day we met. She knows what today's date is and what it means to us -- no need for me to remind her... And she knows that I know what the date is because every year since we met I've acknowledged today and our first date anniversary as our two special anniversary dates. Not sure if she will even notice that I am not acknowledging the date today or not... guess it doesn't really matter, does it?

Jer,

Our BD happened as we reached 20 years of marriage. I had, previously, fantasies of renewing our vows in our backyard.



Sounds like you are realizing how...the stronger and more YOU become on this journey, the less you have in common with your spouse. I think that's very normal.

Just remember, nothing you do or don't do will impact what happens on her journey.

You could win the lottery, have plastic surgery to make you look like the most beautiful woman in the world and your partner would still make these hurtful choices. Not something you can control. I'm sorry, I know it hurts.

Don't confuse turning to God and becoming who you are intended to be...as some cause and effect with losing your spouse.

Sadly, your spouse is light years behind you right now in terms of maturity. You are viewing the situation as an adult and she is not. She is unable to view the world as a grown up right now.

You can't hold yourself in a holding pattern because she is in crisis. You and your children deserve better.

If she wakes up, she will have the choice to grow and catch up...or not. Still, not under your control. You can only be YOU. :-)

Imagine she has some been infected with some sort of bug. Until it works its way through her system, she is not going to be herself. It could take years...it probably will. It just is.

Bad things happen to families. It doesn't mean your life is over. It just means things are different than you planned. Use this time to focus on you and make yourself everything God intended.

Thanks for so many great points and reminders Lois...

Especially the points about maturity. I do feel that so strongly right now... And in a sense it (this entire situation) feels like maturity = selflessness and immaturity = selfishness.

Definitely not trying to stay in a holding pattern... trying very hard to get back to being fully employed so I can fully support myself and move out so W can live the life she thinks she wants to live now. And I know you are right -- she is going to continue on down this destructive path regardless of who I am or what I do.

The good news is that I have definitely embraced my newly rediscovered connection with God and I do not intend to stop turning to God as I move forward in my life. As horrible as all of this is, I do know that part of my journey now must be spiritual -- not only as a way to survive and thrive during my W's crisis, but to survive and thrive through everything that will come my way for the rest of my life. This also includes recognizing and being grateful for all that God has given me in my life -- my children, 9.5 wonderful years with an amazing woman (who has just gone bonkers thanks to MLC), an incredible network of friends and family members, and an amazing career path that felt so random at times but now appears so well designed (but wasn't designed consciously by me... very clear to me now that God was guiding me through every step along in my career even if I didn't feel the connection like I do now.)

Ummmmm this is more than a little weird. In this day and age a marriage with someone who is not yet 'out' to her family, and with whom there has been nothing physical. . . .

What could possibly go wrong here?

Oh, and what everyone said - great posts.

Jer,

I really think a lot of this is "Mind over Matter."

I imagine I would be much further ahead...and probably wouldn't have done some regretful things had I convinced myself that my husband had left for a long journey.

I think back now and I wish I had tried harder, in the beginning, to push thoughts of him out of my mind. It's possible.

If, when he had come into my thoughts, I would have forced myself to accept the reality that he left for a journey to Mt. Everest and there's no telling when and if he will return.

It would have been a much kinder way, kinder to me, for me to move forward with my life. I got stuck in all those feelings of...what about the renewing of the marriage vows? What about all those good memories together? What of this and what of that????

Bottom line: Many spouses lose their partners to death and illness and whatever. Women have had to survive the loss of spouses since time began.

I would have been better off...just getting on with it and letting him go.

Use the power of your mind to make things easier. Imagine a scenario where it doesn't hurt so much...maybe she is off fighting terrorists? Maybe she is discovering a cure for cancer in the jungle?

Find what works for you and practice it.

Imagine yourself five years from now...sitting pretty in a beautiful home with a spectacular view and come up with five specific ways you got there. How did you achieve that serenity? How did you earn our living? How did you let your spouse go?

You can do this.

Oh let's just count the ways this could go so wrong... But they're living in fantasyland and believe they are "soulmates" and that nothing can stand in their way... W in MLC and OW just in mid-20s-I-really-don't-know-myself-or-what-I-really-want-from-life-yet... Both my W and I are old enough to be the mother of OW, and her parents are very religious and conservative... I am sure they are going to be thrilled to learn about all of this and more than happy to give their blessing. *eyeroll*

And the whole "nothing physical yet" -- I totally did NOT believe my W last week when she opened up to me about OW and the trip and swore that nothing physical had happened yet -- didn't believe her because I know my W and her, ummm, appetite... But when I overheard the conversation early this morning -- now I believe her... But, yeah, still weird...

Again -- so many great points for me to think about going forward... And I think you just gave me some homework for this week :-)