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Maybell,

I have let go. I am not pursuing her and accept that our marriage is over. I don't like it and I don't agree with it, but I also realize that I can only control my own actions. Her actions have consistently showed that she is done with our relationship. I accept that reality.

I have detached as best as possible, but I can't say I have done so lovingly. In my mind, I have tried to remain clinical and matter of fact in my communication, but it may also come across as cold and aloof. I have not been mean and do not discuss personal things or her boyfriend/affair with her. The main reason for getting lawyer involved was so I do not have to deal with her personally, as well as protecting myself.

As I have said before, I know that things as they were are over. That doesn't mean that I want to close the door forever. I can not and will not be her friend, even though she has asked me to. Friends do not treat each other with deceit and lies.

Ok, I need to vent a little. I saw and retained a lawyer, and they are sending my response to dissolution to my wife today. I know this needs to be done to protect myself. Her actions have been consistent:

She does not love me any more.
She has moved into her own place and our accounts are all separate.
She is still with OM, and seems happy.
She filed divorce 1 week after I discovered affair.
She served me 2 weeks ago.
She has refused counseling or mediation.
She has refused to discuss specifics of why she left, only saying that she has been unhappy for years.

The reality in front of me is quite obvious. So why do I feel so bad? I had accepted my reality and have been GAL and going to IC. I have been mostly dark, other than responding succinctly to financial and legal questions.

Today I feel sad, and angry. Mostly angry. Angry that she never even tried to fix things. Angry that she seems happy and I feel so alone. Angry that she wasn't strong enough to resist affair and fight for us. Angry that I will never be one of those older couples holding hands and celebrating 30 years of marriage. I feel cheated. I feel like a failure.

I know what I need to do. I know that I can only facilitate my own changes. I know that I will be better off...eventually.

I,m

I'm just upset.

Hi Kramer

Sorry you're having a rough day. From what you describe above, it's a head and heart scenario. You logically know all that has happened and what you need to do - but your heart is slower to catch on. It sounds like you are doing all the right things though. The only thing I would caution on is that second to last paragraph with the nevers and feeling like a failure. Only because, who knows what the future may hold?

Take Care ((Kramer))

More venting and requests for input:

As anyone who has been following my sitch can see, there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation at this stage in the game.

In the past, I have been keeping dark, and then keeping any responses short and to the point. I have not pursued or pleaded, although I sent numerous emails to her when it first happened. Those emails forgive her and I also told her I did not want divorce and would do whatever it took to make things better. Those were sent in January, and none since early Feb.

She doesn't seem fazed at all by my actions, and has marched steadily toward divorce, and into a full blown public relationship with OM. I honestly think that she feels like she has gone so far, that she cannot come back.

Here's my question:

Should I even continue with DB/DR? Why not just put it all on the table, tell her to F-off, and tell her that I never want to see her again? Please understand that I don't necessarily mean that, but I am just so fed up, sad, and frustrated. She has completely written off my children and grandchildren, and has not spoken with them since affair was discovered. They were always SO CLOSE, and she has completely walked away from them. I am nothing but a stranger to her, and she badmouths me to her friends and family, even though she was the one that had the affair. This whole thing happened so fast, and she never gave it a chance.

I understand that things take time, and I read other posts voraciously. However, I just don't see a chance in HE** that my sitch will improve.

Kramer

This blows, I get it, its the worst, the very worst.

My suggestion is to give this time to play out. Affairs fizzle out pretty quickly. This sounds like it has happened all so fast and your wife is in it deep.

Why not drag it out, let your wife cool down? Give yourself the gift of time to let this play out. Once she gets out of th fantasy bubble, she may want to try counseling.

That's my .02 cents.

Why do you need to tell her this?
What are you expecting to happen?

there is not going to be a magic button instantaneously fixing your marriage. Our marriages were over at bomb drop the question is can we build a new one.

I sometimes think it would be easier to go nuclear, and not even try to fix anything. Just close a 17 year chapter and move forward in life without any thought of her in my head.

Oh Kramer

My heart hurts for you. This is all so new and you are raw with emotion. There are many of us here on this board who feel exactly like you do. We don't understand how our loving partners could do this, how could they just walk away after so many happy years?

It's a mystery but apparently it happens a lot. I try to look at my WAW as if she is ill. I honestly do think there is something medically going on with her. Maybe I just tell myself that because it's easier to believe and swallow. It doesn't hurt as much.

Don't go nuclear, it would only hurt you in the end and make a bad situation worse. How could it be worse you ask? Trust me, it could be worse. As hard as this is, how much patience can you muster?

What GAL activities can you do over the weekend? Do you have Passover or Easter Plans? Can you spend some time with your kids and/or grandkids.

Take you mind off your WAW, I know it is HARD but focusing on her will only cause you more pain.

Hang in there.

Heavy

I appreciate your words, Heavy. I know my sitch is not unique, but my personal experience is. And I'm not going to let her off easy by calling her a WAW. She is a wayward wife, which is much worse. I realize that she is in this deep. That, combined with her refusal to ever back down or admit guilt, is a definite nail in the coffin for our relationship.

The sad thing is that I know what to do and I know that it takes patience, insight, personal growth, and dedication. I counsel people every day on their problems and put in a happy face to everybody, but I'm just dying inside. I never saw this coming, and feel so betrayed by the person that I trusted most in my life. One of my big fears is going through all this pain, and realizing that I don't want a relationship with her.

As far as GAL activity, I am headed to Newport Beach tomorrow. We always spend easter week there, and I had this paid for 6 months ago. My niece and her friends will come with me, and my sister and her family will meet us on Easter Sunday. Ironically, she is a clinical psychologist in Calabasas. One of my daughters will also fly in with her family midweek. We will have a good time, although it will be bittersweet because it was always a favorite memory for my wife and I.

I think of it as my wayward wife smothering me in my sleep. The one person I trusted with everything (my life, my children, my finanes, my secrets) and now she used it against me. After 19 wonderful years and two great kids, this. It's unfathomable that this could happen. We always clucked at other couples when they broke up, how awful!

I too feel robbed, robbed of the golden years, robbed of grandchildren, robbed of growing old, all of that. There are days when I am engulfed in sadness that I really think that I can't bear it anymore. I then remember my two young children and how much they need a strong M in their lives. That usually snaps me out of it.

One thing this experience has taught me is to connect to others through pain. I know that may sound weird, but it was a level I never experienced. I now fully get it when someone loses someone either through death or by abandonment. How tragic for so many people that it affects.

I will carry this pain with me for the rest of my life but am trying hard to not be a victim but a survivor. I am hoping the pain turns into a scar. When that will be is up to God.

I am so glad you have family you can spend your week with. M family all lives on the East Coast and we came out here for work and to have a family. Ironic isn't it.

Now I have the career, children but not the family/wife.

Maybe we should look at this as how fortunate we were to have the years we had, look how much happinesss we did have and the children we do have, etc... That's how I am trying to reframe this even though I am far from "over this".

Lets hold on and see what happens.

Heavy