Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

Thanks (((((Dawn)))))

Right back at you, I have been reading your posts you seem to be doing very well and I hope you're starting to get yourself into a warm comfortable place, both in your new house and in yourself. Its a slippery beast detachment isnt it? I thought it would be a straight line, albeit with some dips, and from the point in December where I used taking my ring off as a catalyst up to this month it was pretty much so.

I think it was the change in w's attitude that set my heart racing and my emotions into overdrive and befuddled me completely. That straight line now looks more like a pile of wool a kitten has been at! Working it again now for everyones sake. Let's see where it goes.

Take it easy

Edz

Well not much to update. Chilled evening with a rather nice devolo pizza feeling tired and cold (tail end of the bug probably) so grabbed a hot shower and catching up with some TV in bed.

Nothing from w but that's OK. Time, all is time and patience need to remind myself of that sometimes.

Bft remains unmoved upside down one spiritually with the sofa cushions

And the first chance I've had to post an update on today.

All the normal bits today then work as predicted work has been a bit of a nightmare this week and continues to be so due to quarter end shinanigins that have to be done, hey ho no biggie.

Hadnt heard back from w on the weekend so pinged her just so I know what Im doing with s and can plan. Looks like Im picking him up Saturday morning, will take him swimming for an hour and we'll have the day together I'll try to keep him active as well, concerned he's slipping a little into a screen monster between schoolwork on screens and games. He's obviously staying over but not sure whats happening Easter Sunday or bank holiday monday yet. W seemed pre-occupied as s has a playdate this afternoon and I think she has been having "fun and games" with work again, MIL is not - I think - helping yet again.

I am not going to get involved in this.

Likely to be a late one on work today so tonight will mostly be dinner and maybe time for a movie or bath before bed (want to make my bathroom less sterile but its quite small and rented - any suggestions beyond candles / rugs anyone?)

So looks like I have a day to myself tomorrow, first I am going to enjoy the first lazy morning I've had in a month and then the weather is the deciding factor. I shall make a call on going somewhere to take some photos or something to be decided.

Will cook roast lamb sunday now i know s will be here, w knows shes welcome but im not putting out invites I'll guess she ends up at MILs as she wants to work out the logistics on the move etc. Again, not having a bite of that, w is a grown up up to her to deal with her mother.

Feel quite liberated this week for some reason, a little lonely but nothing new there. Looking for a local wine tasting event as I'd like to give that a bash - I'd mentioned to w its something we tried once and I'd love for us to do it again when we were discussing things being different, see no reason I cant do it myself for now. Nothing doing as yet but I'll have a look on meetup this evening see what I can find.

I've missed the swimming this week but Im glad I gave it a miss as Ive had a couple of shivery episodes and aches reminding me Im not fully well, cold pool and changing rooms and exhausting myself in a pool (alone I do 80 lengths or so) is not the best move, stuck with my daily exercises and walking this week.

So, what are you lot planning this weekend then?

Mmmm somedays I think has anything moved on since all this began. Just been posting in 1976Ts thread and mentioning about looking at old posts so went back and read my first, meandering, post.

Wow, was I lost, delusional puppydog.

That was a month and a bit after w left and I was quite convinced of w's motivations and ideas, what she was thinking and why and that I was undoubtedly the only wounded party. Ha, well thats the gift of time for you isnt it? I was convinced I wouldnt see son, the world was cold and empty (although its pretty brassic here right now!) and w had made it clear she didnt see anything in the way of a future.

I note I didnt have a grip on my depressions role in the whole thing either, or the co-dependency. Wow.

However I have to admit this makes me feel quite good about today which otherwise was a rather non eventful, wet grey one.

OK we're not reconciled but weve reached a stage where w doesnt count us out and clearly see's the better me now after she herself said to me the other week she was thinking she'd have cheerfully never seen or heard from me ever again in that meeting I describe in the first posting, I still feel lonely BUT I recognise why all this *had* to happen now it'll either end up with a stronger marriage with w or at the very least a better me with a grip on himself (steady you lot) this is all in the addition to my relationship with my son which (despite my protestations in that first post) was woefully bad for a very long time as he became my competitor for w's time and affections. So yes, quite a positive change if not the finished article.

Just a quick retrospective moment there.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programme...

Good post edz.

Yes you have come a long way and for me it's been really good to see your progress. And when you reflect on it look how quickly your relationship with your son turned round and how its grown - there is a success story if ever I read one.

Keep positive, keep remembering the good stuff and keep Mr fixit safely duct taped up (back in your box!!!!), generally just keep on keeping on.

Oh and It's never the finished article.

Edz, it's good to look back and see how far you have come.....a long way from delusional puppy I'm sure. I must have a read through my own sitch one of these days. I'm sure that my panic filled early posts will be a bit of an eye opener now.

Wine tasting sounds nice. H and I used to do that sometimes together. Do you have a local wine merchant that organises events at all? We used to have one and you paid £10 for a talk from the wine grower, then tried the wines. I really enjoyed them.

I agree with Jim that your sitch is already a success story, however things turn out with you and your W. Building a better R with your S and improving your own mental health are big wins already. It's worth remembering that if you feel frustrated about progress with W. And I think you are right - whilst none of us would have wished for the pain of BD - in the longer term, we may well be happier as a result. Either our M's will be on a better path, or we'll move forward happily alone and meet someone else in good time.

Sounds like you're in a pretty good place Edz, and I'm pleased to see less focus/frustration in respect of your W too. Hope you and S have a good weekend!

T x

Thanks toots

It does sometimes do me good to get away from the all on my own woes is me feeling by looking back. I get frustrated sometimes that w goes quiet but its clearly what she needs to do and me worrying or obsessing is totally the wrong reaction I'm choosing to at least try to avoid it and so far this week its going well.

Well in the vernacular on wine tasting bog all sadly so far checked wine merchants and meet up out to 20 miles nothing doing so I'll look more

Hope all is well, happy and calm in tootsville this evening too

Edz

Glad to see its not always me following Toots around agreeing.

Its a fair jaunt for you edz, but if you've cause to go to Hampshire you could head to wickham vineyard. The restaurant is pretty good and the village itself has an excellent tea rooms (or at least it did)

I love Wickham Vineyard. They do a great orange ginger sponge butter pudding with custard!

Yes it's interesting to read back threads. I always do this before a new thread, read the last few old ones. Some of my threads seem to have thread parties on them too, so that makes the reading of them easier and helps with reflection. All the usual suspects playing kindergarten.

Writing the threads in real time is different to reading back threads. In real time V is hoping Edz will build an R with his S, Jim will stop reacting and let WW do her thing, that Toots will get her email, that Gan enjoys her travel, that Pink is ok etc
Reading a new series of threads is different as it isn't real time, the sense of journey is gone, more book like.

When I read my own thread then I detatch more, I would like to reach to that V then and say "listen to Edz, that Wonka knows a thing or two, Jim that was insightful " . It is as if there were journey points and the struggle fruites, a knowledge is understood, a 2x4 is reacted to and from then on there is only knowing and there can be no not knowing. If that makes sense.

My first point like that was early on when MrB said "let your H fall" and I said to myself "that's just inevitable, why am I delaying the pain" then very soon after Sandi said "nothing you do deserves that treatment".

I reviewed my notes on your sitch Edz and these are the points I saw as changers, when you moved from the flat, when WW let S stay for more than 2 nights on the run, when you went to your first proper GAL, when WW did more than sit in the car or hover at the door. When you first let WW deal with MIL (her M) knowing it took you further to your goal. When you emerged as one of the kindergarten crew!

So Edz, what are your defining moments? Your crossroad moments?

V

Those are my Edz-defining moments, too. Especially when WAW let S stay over a couple of nights. Big change from Day 1.