Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Zelda - reflecting and grieving

You keep blaming yourself and thinking you could FIX this.

Z

This is trauma.

My lovely Z, you are dealing with some very tough stuff. Be kind to yourself.

V

To Z from V

It will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not the end and besides the fat lady has not sung yet.

Someone is going to have to explain this one to me. An outside point of view, something I can put a nice neat bow around and move on.

I think I'd been holding out hope that the lack of communication from H (we've been NC for a week) meant that maybe he was considering something himself. The change of address forms arrive in my mailbox an hour ago. So, no. Him asking a mutual guy friend to go out and have a beer? No. The idea that H might be looking at his choices and what he's losing - I must accept that he doesn't.

Please explain to me:

1. Why he was so happy about us the day before? I mean, good lord, I was upset about an errand he didn't do and all of his excuses. Why the rage and above-anything-I'd ever known physical intimation, the coldness afterward, the apathy? Why did he sabotage this when he claimed to be so happy to be home?

2. Did he just not care for me any more romantically? Is this why the letters during our S, the ones about how I couldn't be the person he was looking for? Did it all come crashing down for him, a chance to not be the 'bad guy' and go after a more hopeful life?

3. The lack of remorse about the whole thing - has anyone ever acted like a complete devil to their ex when breaking up, like beyond the realm of decency? I keep racking my brain how this could be.

4. Me - I know I don't want to be with a partner that I have to keep dragging along the path (my counselor's analogy) but there were so many years he did try so hard. The total effect makes me feel like I was the one that let him down. I know I must have a fix-it compulsion. Certainly H had a touch of dependency/helplessness going on...I read my lists of his concerning behaviors, all the reasons this person would be so difficult to build a life with. Why am I hung up on him. The wedding pictures, the letters about how happy he was. I feel like I failed during piecing. I know I should not blame myself. But it also seems ridiculous to keep looking at evidence of H's BPD, character flaws, abuse and saying this couldn't have ended any other way. My friends and family are all about writing him off. They felt sponged off of. Why can't I be at piece with rejection from him? I feel as though he should have been bending over backwards trying to save our M. Not to sound like a complete narcissist, but I brought so much to the table and loved him beyond reason. He told me he found me beautiful, admired me so much. How could he just rage, go cold and brush his hands of me like I was nothing?

V, the fat lady hasn't entered the stage yet, but she's warming up the vocals. I need to accept it. I just want to feel good about it, somehow. Not used, discarded, bitter, confused.

Who was this person? What was real? What was he faking, for how long, and why does any of it matter to me?

Here is the roundest description of him I can write. Help me see him (and this) from the outside.

Yr 1: H is working part time and living in a very fun/rent free situation when I meet him. I am taken by his quirkiness, independent views, beauty, 'depth', the way he listens and the way I feel at peace around him. He lets me pursue him and soon starts leaving flowers and gifts at my door. His priorities are a little questionable to me. Four months into our R he gets drunk, jealous, shoves me at a party, verbally abusive and condescending. I break up with him. We get back together after we have a long talk, he apologizes. Says he is intimidated by me. I am popular, a huge flirt. So I work to provide reassurance. Four months later he says he knows we'll be married. We finish an amazing year together that is overall very happy. He has a few tantrums along the way, I suppose I do, too. He goes to lunch with an ex while I am out of town and tries to hide it from me, saying he never mentioned anything bc he didn't want to upset me. This bothers me. I start snooping more and more and he is a little weird and creepy online. Still, we persist. I am crazy about him.

Year 2: We move into together. He loses his job and free space. Starts going through lots of savings, and I am getting agitated and worried. He once ignores me all the way home from an island vacation because I asked him to talk to me about his job search. Later says he did this because he assumed the conversation is building up to me breaking up with him and he couldn't handle it. My friends and family love him though. He always seems a bit uncomfortable holding his own with these groups, though. His comments are off base sometimes, yet incredibly on point and funny at others. His differing education level is something he seems to find painful. We start talking about marriage. There are more than a few times he tantrums when the subject comes up, too. Drives off without me. Got extremely defensive about the time playing video games and not job searching. I am a pain in the ass, and very, very angry. Often. He starts working for a friend and gets fired because of forgetful mistakes that cost the company money. This actually happens twice this year, different jobs. But I love him. At times I am worried, but I see so much potential in him. I catch him complaining about our sex life to an old friend (ex). I'm horrified. We briefly break up, but he holds strong to the position that this isn't wrong of him. I work very hard to put us back together and have some talks until he can see my point of view.

Year 3: I am getting anxious about marriage. And he proposes, but without a ring or job. Still. Disappointed in everything but the sincere words about how excited he is to build our lives together, but I am happy about this, it feels like stability. Later he starts working. There are many moments I think what a better fiance he is than H. Lots of very sweet things, even more than before. We are happily planning our wedding, and he is going to school a bit.

Year 4: Everything is going well, and then the life-changing accident. Hips and knees are destroyed, fractured in so many pieces. He is conscious through the whole thing and before going out on the operating table tells the surgeon he just wants to walk down the aisle for our wedding. It is traumatic, and we have so many friends and family for the next six months or so there for us. I am amazed at how brave and optimistic he is being during this time. It was nearly six months before he took his first step.

Year 5: Our wedding approaches and he things are going so well. We dance, and it is still one of the happiest days I can remember. We have a great honeymoon, delayed months later. And then four months from the return...he is someone else. All the support has dropped off, his tragedy is no longer the first thing people ask about. But when he meets new people, it is the first thing he tells them. It defines him. We start fighting. I am frustrated at his general lack of effort with our home, and am worried about everything that is sitting on my shoulders without any sign of moving. My temper came out frequently.

Year 6: Starts with him blocking my phone calls for a week, all the while pretending everything was fine, and how about we go out to a nice dinner (that you'll pay for?) I am livid when I find out and he makes a comment that I'm reminded of now, "well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet..." It takes a week and he apologizes. I'm over it though. Not having any more of the poor me, let me explain my point of view to you kind of bs anymore. He's increasingly distant, claims he can't talk to me, I don't care about him. Which is insane to me because he consumes my thoughts, all of his continuing medical worries. During a hip replacement, he screams at me that we should split up, that I make him want to kill himself. I can't believe it. Later that night he writes me how wrong he is. I buy our house for us. He starts treating me with increasing disprespect and apathy. Every once in a while he'll make a big effort at reassuring me that this won't last forever, there is an end in sight and he will be there for me. We talked about kids and he screams I will have to sleep with other men if I want them. Takes him three days to apologize and we're in the middle of a family reunion then. We seem to go along ok, and then one day he retreats into the guest bedroom for two weeks. Refuses affection, flips me off when I try to talk to him - and so I kick him out of the house. We go to a MC for the first time the next week. He says he wants a S and doesn't have any faith in our M.

Over the next twelve weeks (bringing us into year 7), he initiates no contact. I fly up to see him on advice of his friend and we re-connect. I am making my changes to be less critical and more empathetic. He comes home 2 weeks later. On a day by day basis at first, still intensely angry and disappointed. Decides to work on our M. He made that decision. I didn't push him into it.

We 'piece' for two months and there is good communication but we are struggling with emotional fallout and stepping on eggshells is my new thing. He says some awful things during conversations that didn't need to become fights - about questioning why he is in a R with someone he regards as the enemy. That we should see others. That he'll leave me if I persist (in saying whatever I was at the time?). I feel put down, like I'm being made to feel crazy. There are echos of fights I know I've always had with him in this crazy twisting logic, putting me on the defensive all the time. But he is also trying really hard in between these conflicts. And giving me lots of hope. He settled his case and takes me to dinner. Starts tearing up saying how excited he is to provide for us in our retirement. His plans for moving on with his life and beginning work. The lightness he feels. I am amazed. But he backslides two weeks later into a familiar depression and pity party.

He is starting to drive again, short distances. One of these trips is the grocery store. He wants to throw a party so we do, and he will pick up our supplies. But he doesn't and people arrive. I make the best of it when I get home and take care of it while he entertains. After they leave I ask him what happens, and point out all the evasion and twisting he is doing. He throws things at me, destroys my phone, slams the door into me as I leave that night. Never says a word about it the next few days when I return and runs up my debit card going out one night. I confront him with my roommate and he says our R has never been good, it's not just his behavior I have a problem with (that means it's him) and we just need to part ways. The next day giggles on the couch like not a thing is wrong. The following day lets me see him crying and muttering stuff about how I don't want him there. I hold firm, no, these are your choices..."you're changing the subject."

And he's gone.

What has happened, what has this been?

Zelda,

I don't think the problem is him. I think the "problem" is within you. Your H (from where I see it) has shown you his true colors all along: immature, lack of ability to communicate, irresponsible, etc so forth. They were right there. Evident from the start.

Yet, you kept going and going further along despite the fact that he showed, and continued to do so, who he was all along. I get the impression that you wanted to fix him, to bring him up to the potential that you saw, but not for him, but for yourself. You keep making statements through your sitch that you felt, in your opinion, that he should be bending over backwards to apologize to you for his actions, yet why should you when for seven years you gave him the ok to treat you like [censored]? You ignored the warning signs from day one. But you're here wondering what happened? The question I think you need to ask yourself Zelda, is not why didn't he change or why didn't he get better or why does he not show remorse? Instead, evaluate why, despite all of the signs of his instability and behaviors (seemingly) being out in the open, did you continue with this relationship? You vent a lot of anger and I feel that at times you felt that you should've been treated better than this and rightly so. So why did you stay for seven years in a relationship that wasn't healthy for you?

Was sticking with it and trying to fix him really for him? Or was it trying to fix something within you?

I am so sorry that you are going through this, I really am.

Everything that Calibri says. But I want to say it more strongly: as you describe your life together, he sounds abusive and you sound codependent. Thank God you didn't have kids with this terrifying person.

Change your number, your passwords, and your locks. Get therapy for why you permitted this behavior. He will not change.

This is not the way I usually introduce myself on people's threads. I saw your post on Mozza's and thought I'd check you out. Please be your own champion. You clearly deserve it. You may need help with your temper, but at this point I'd say the reason it has given you a hard time with him is that your subconscious was screaming about how wrong he is for you. Please, save yourself. And keep posting here, I'm worried for you.

Thanks, Calibri. You are right. The signs were there. But so was effort, at one point.

I stayed because as worried and anxious I was about it all - I was more in love than I'd ever been with anyone. There were nights I just thanked god for him, that quiet contentment when we would fall asleep. As awful as he could be, he was also tender, thoughtful, sweet and very supportive and helpful of my side business.

It would have been so much easier to walk away if it hadn't been for the way I felt inside around him. I want to believe some of that love was real. It just doesn't feel like it now, despite all the surprises, the kind words, the smiles, the way I felt like he saw me - you know what I mean? That little kernel of you that only a few of your best friends ever 'get'?

My father was a Jekyll and Hyde abusive alcoholic/narcissist. Maybe this was about fighting those old demons. Someone who was so important, who understood me, who loved me intensely and then inspired such confusion and resentment and plenty of WTF moments. H would often say to me, "Z, I'm not your father..." He would accuse me of reacting to him out of fear. My Ic initially said my fear of enabling him was getting in the way of closeness with him. But now, maybe it was all justified? I just don't know.

My head feels so scr&wed up.

Thanks, Maybell. You guys can't help me unless I'm honest, and I need some outside voices, I feel so lost and used and discarded.

I am such a 'strong' person in my real life. I flat out asked my IC if she thought I was a bit codependent - she said it's possible but she doubted it. But I feel like I was enabling my H's poor mental health a lot, and the more I would try to draw some reasonable lines, the more he would pout and scream about how I didn't have his best interests in mind. And I second guessed everything when I started DR. I no longer felt justified in kicking him out...maybe I was terribly insensitive to his depression and what not.

How bad was his mental health? Was he a troubled person, the enraged child/man trying to be better and grow up? Or was there a bit of a sociopath lurking there with me? Our dog, that he claimed he couldn't have survived the ordeal without...he never said goodbye to her as he left that day or even asked me for her. The giggling on the couch the day after we agreed to D...so alien to me.

It does scare me that either way...this went on. I feel like vomiting when I think of trusting anyone else again.

Don't jump the gun about the next person. That will come when it's time.

How honest were you with your IC? Would she recognize the situation you described? Did you pull your punches with her or pack them here?

But I still wonder... What made you keep taking him back? We've heard a lot of screaming matches but even here we don't here of physical events like the ones you describe very often. Why did you put up with that after only four months?