Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Zelda - reflecting and grieving

Mr. Bond - I found GAL to be nothing more than a distraction for me this winter. Even now. My mood is lightened and I am diverted when I'm out and enjoying weather, movement, people...but I don't think it's exactly the same as detaching from the constant turbulence inside my head. Just a cover, something that needs higher priority, until it goes back.

I've tried the stop sign thing. Tried the change the channel. Tried meditating - and while that used to work before, I am allowing panic and grief to override the breath focus. They are not only intrusive thoughts, but they are kicking the door in.

I told my roommate last night that for the first time I see the appeal of drugs. The off switch in the brain, feelings.

You guys speak of deciding to get off the merry-go-round - what was the significant attitude or phrase or action that let you 'let it go' and decide it just wasn't worth your thoughts anymore?

Z

I think H has not yet reached the point where he has accepted he is willing to change. He may know he wants to and he may know that he needs to.

However there is a price to pay to change, H has not reached the point that he will pay it. I think this takes time, it is a big realisation. It may take months or even years. Z choose to be free of your demons and be happy. Try positive for a long while. H has to want to change and be willing to take the steps to do that.

In the meanwhile Z can consider her DB actions, back to basics and go GAL, 180s and act her own best interests.

You ask that which I did to get off the merry go round
1. Active GAL, more than I needed
2. STFU
3. Get away physically
4. Threw myself into my work
5. Exercise, hard physical exercise, dance and music
6. Good food, no alcohol or sugar
7. Sandi guidelines
8. Be with safe people but no longer talk about
9. IC and twelve steps

V

Thanks Vanilla. I am cutting out my wine this week, and I think it's gone some way toward balance. Eating last couple days even though I am not hungry.

Sleep and naps is when I feel worse, it's like a light sleep that is plagued by light dreams of him dating again, us running into each other, us still sleeping beside each other, and then the waking afterwards, it's bad.

Our situation was a bit different in that my H was so very sweet and (genuinely?) thoughtful until I poked him. He never tried to control or twist or any of that psychological/intimidation abuse until he curled into his shell. I must realize I think that there really was nothing I could have done to prevent that, even if I feel like I could have handled better. This may have been the inevitable end, whether he timed or staged or sabotaged or didn't.

Your points about H WANTING to change are well taken - I believe it scares him. Not having the tools and not being able to see the road - and this is why he says 'it will take years' - same story I got this winter.

Life is short, huh? I will go enjoy it I think. Getting out of the house now for a little kickboxing.

Z

I found I could sleep if I exercised very hard and took no naps.

V

So. I am wondering if I am the messed up one that I am hoping that maybe in months he will have done his work, introspection, gotten his independence and feet underneath him and decided we were something good after all. And he will be willing to look at his manipulative and angry ways.

There is no way to control this, an what I did before - being compassionate, the woman he'd be a fool to leave - I have no intention of doing again to bring him home. Yet, in all of our history, I can never remember my H making a step toward me.

Sounds like a fools hope, yes?

I know. Detach detach detach, what will be will be. It's about time I look at the cycle and quit trying to 'fix.' Just hard when I run across cards and letters that make me believe there was something there worth saving.

Detach and worry about you, Zelda

I too said the same thing that I felt even if H regretted leaving and filing on his death bed he would never admit it none the less try to work things out.

HOWEVER

Just know that if someone wants something bad enough they will do WHATEVER they have to.

You are worth that and more ... Whether it be with your H (should you decide that) or in a new R.

I think you need to detach and take a break - you've had a lot happen lately. Maybe take some time to recharge and get your head on straight before overwhelming yourself

Yes however it is unlikely to take months
I like to think in years.

My advice is to take your love put it in a strong wood box
Close the lid and put it on a high shelf in a closet
Then when the time comes that you need to use it,
take it out dust it off and open it and see how it made out
sitting in that closet.

Been trying to stuff everything into that little box Cadet described. Been trying to see the sides of my H that were always concerning to me.

Had a pretty good morning, coached some folks this morning, walked a dog with a neighbor friend (managed to STFU about H, YAY.) and chose to go into work on my day off. So there's that.

I had a realization that feels like it answers some of my points at the beginning of this thread - it is not about WHO he was. It is about what he felt. He referenced seeing me as the enemy, even during piecing. The anger, that is psych told him to work through by loving me. All of this borne out of intense disappointment (founded on some very unrealistic expectations, I believe) and an ability to ruminate in negative feelings for people I've rarely seen matched. I believe he did love me. And felt a duty to try his best. V wrote to me about 'parts' of us - there is a party of my H -STBX- that is a very good man trying very hard. And there is a part of him that is an enraged child.

That is what happened that night. I poked him in a wound, a spot where he was likely disappointed in himself. And none of that got processed. He threw so much anger at me and coldness the next days.

So. Do I want to be with a man that hates me? No...I wish he wouldn't, but I can't grovel and control that.
Do I want to be with a man that, when asked about change, says it will take years? No. People want to change, and they go after it with everything they have.

I am actually feeling pretty good today. It is my first good day, after the initial ones of feeling resolved. Thank you all for listening to me vent.

"Mr. Bond - I found GAL to be nothing more than a distraction for me this winter. "

I think you misinterpreted the nature of what it means to GAL. It's not just to get your mind off of things. It's to also help you become a better, stronger person. Have you done anything of that nature?

I don't know. I work full time and I build my side business - which involves coaching people athletically, art (and am happy with progress in both). I read, go to counseling, sit with my thoughts, kickbox, play with my dog, spend time with friends and family. I don't know what else I can do or what part of Z really needs a re-vamp, makeover, or that there's room for much else on the plate. Even with all that, I spent every evening with my H when he was back. Tried to draw him out, make him happy. I don't understand what happened.

Today was a rather light day, I felt full of happiness.

Until the thought:

Maybe all I should have done was put the call the police boundary out there. And let it rest.

Maybe asking him what he wanted to do to address it (and when he said nothing in so many words, our relationship has been rotten)... me listening in shock and asking if he was agreeable to just part ways...him saying he thought we had to...

Maybe I did the wrong thing in how I handled. I don't want to have regrets. I am feeling like maybe this could have gone another way.

When hours ago I felt like he had just come to hate me by spewing lots of hold over from neglected childhood at me, ruminating in his mind - "you don't care about me, you're not interested in me, I can't talk to you..."

Why do I end up feeling like I was the one that threw away this M? Did I? Would the boundary have sufficed, or would it have just been more of the same?

What is wrong with me?