Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

Thanks Toots

In the office today so no updates happening really - usual monring routine but a little earlier! Edz is not a morning Edz!)

Yup taken onboard from both w and db'ers - edz volume turned back down and back in getting on with getting on until w contacts me mode.

It's easy to get excited and want more contact but we're not vaguely into the ballpark yet, not even the turnoff for the car park! Things are better, much better, communications are open, w has made noises on not ruling out a reconciliation when in July she'd have happily never seen me again. That's progress enough for one week but its very easy to want things to accellerate and want actions that w is very probably simply not ready for yet.

I was thinking last night that, thanks to the weekend, w has told me what amounts to the next series of 180's that I can start to work on my aspect of. OK, some I can do nothing about but validate (her feeling she faces a choice of me or her mum for instance) but even in those cases I can validate, in that case specifically for instance I can point out that her mum is not likely to permanently cut her out of her life as she worries about, I cant imagine she'd want to lose contact with her grandson.

Son being stressed is going to be an issue regardless of whether we stay separated, move to reconcile or (especially if we should have to) move toward and through divorce and potentially new partners so we should work out the best support we can offer him individually and together as well as any councilling support we can arrange. This has to be a given regardless of outcome to ensure its not in any way a leveraging point, s's happiness will be worked on regardless of our sitch.

Issues from our past, her behaviour and mine, they cant be changed. As we discussed at the weekend I cant change my previous behaviour, the fact I was under Major Depression doesnt excuse my very poor relation with son or my insular withdrawn behaviour and codependency - it explains it but doesnt excuse it or the hurt to w.

I have to let go of her distancing me, pushing me away and not giving love or intamacy the stressors that triggered and fed my depression.

For my actions, my 180 on needyness, codependency and being more outgoing and communicative (as well as taking care of myself) is evident, I can validate and work with w on the other parts but apart from attending couples therapy if w thinks it would help her and us I cant let go of those issues for her only she can.

Relationship and behaviour with s needs no comments on the changes made its all evident.

None of this is Mr Fixit proposing solutions, just my actions that I can influence or ensure I offer to help w feel comfortable.

So I'll work on those and how I can validate and help her to feel more relaxed and comfortable, reassure her and help her to feel comfortable with decisions she makes that are completely her to make (her mum for instance).

It will be a long road anyway, I know that I just hope she'll choose to walk down it with me.

Its a little scary point as it does feel like theres a possibility something is so close to happening but also so far. Working on having no expectations and giving her space while I get on. The latter is fairly engrained by now and happening the former is more of an effort but I'm trying.

Thanks all.

Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way today, Edz.

Thanks Dawn

Ironically I know w & s are a 5 minute walk from me right now as its ice skating in the park today and I'm in the office. Havent texted her though, if she'd wanted to meet up today she'd have contacted me, she's busy I dont need her to rush to me today. If she asked for a coffee I'd happilly make my way there and sometimes I'll suggest it but Im calm and happy as I am which is a good feeling.

Although taking my dress watch to have a new battery and being told it'll need sending away and be £60 did its best to dent my mood!

Hi edz,

Some significant stuff going on thats got to be testing your noggin. Calm and happy is good though and well done for leaving W to initiate contact - im sure it must be tempting.

I hope your short notice 1:1 was all good.

So standard refrain - what GAL does edz have planned for the next few days?

Well done with resisting the offer of a coffee - good man!

£60 for the watch battery!! I'll do it for £50 if you send it over here. How hard can it be??

Sounds like you are doing well and taking it all in your stride. There are many positives in your sitch right now, and I can see it must be hard not to strain against the leash...

Sorry to hear S has been a bit up and down. I know SS became more sensitive pre-puberty, so it could be that. Equally, there has been some change in your sitch and maybe that's a bit unsettling. IDK. But he knows you guys are both there for him. And blowing off some steam with swimming and beach stuff is always good too.

Hope your 1-1 goes okay today - a pay rise maybe? :-)

Afternoon all

Yup noggin is being tested but ticking along. Its incredibly tempting to fire off texts or emails like a machine gun right now but I know well enough thats not whats needed here. W will contact me or an opportunity to contact her in a non pursuing way will arise (after all will be contacting her to pick up s on friday or saturday and its wednesday today!). I have a hundred questions and points I'd love to talk over. Many things we decided we'd love to do together that we could pursue but, ah BUT, w hasnt signed on as yet.

All her conversation was bookended with not counting us in not counting us out like an escape clause but everying, everything else we talked about pointed to her considering a slow return. Jokingly asking me did I know hitmen (MIL) considering eloping, reacting well to my replies to her questions where I said I wanted us to enjoy ourselves as a family and a couple with various activities (wine tasting etc we'd tried years ago) - this was a long set of talking on Sunday - none of it pointed to a divorce petition. But ... she's not signed on yet and I need to respect that and continue to tread carefully, slowly and not make her feel that the old suffocating me is even around anymore let alone stalking her.

So patience and detatchment are the keywords here, frustrating and tormenting as that is. So I focus on getting on as always, not a bad idea anyway as Im convinced a reconciliation and new relationship with w would be based on exactly this kind of space and respect for her time and letting her get on.

GAL, well today is boring practicalities Im afraid, shops, food, washing tablets all the bits I dont get a chance to do (or would bore s silly with) at the weekends. Then cooking spicy pork with chillis, peppers and rice tonight with wine!

Tomorrow is swimming and possibly gym, may even treat myself to the spa bath if theres time (and its open)

Friday depends on whether s wants to go to his card event and/or is up to anything else, then its the weekend again.

1:1 was what I thought a check in and change of team leaders. Asked for feedback got told its all positive keep doing what Im doing although both he and I want me to get into some longer, deeper projects as Im firefighting many teams and many developers right now which is frustrating and a little dull. IM'd my collegues to apologies they have to work with me a little longer, got several lols back. No more money Im afraid, after tax got a 0.75% one this year, better than a poke with a stick.

Thanks Toots, s has always been a little emotional and at times can get very wound up. I made some things worse with my depression pre-db but thats much better now. Insofar as changes happening right now, as I said to w on Monday, the behaviour and him being blue has been happening *before* the last weekends events but I think from what he's said to me when he's stayed at the house he does feel "in the middle" of it to a degree. I've reinforced repeatedly, calmly and with love that w & i will always love him and he shouldnt worry or feel upset about things but if if he does he should ask w or I to talk and we will.

Ah the watch, its my Raymond Weil swiss one. W bought it for me for my 30th and its spend a fair chunk of the past years in its box on my dresser. Not least because I got too fat to wear its slim frame. I found it a few weeks back and decided its far too wonderful to spend its life there so decided to have a new battery fitted as it now fits and will suit me. If I get to wear it with w all the better, if not well its still a wonderful watch! If I'd had it re-waterproofed it would have been over £100, unfortunately I dont think I'd trust the local shoe shop with it!

Dinner all done and chilling out.

W tagged me on a Facebook post regarding one of her favourite bands releasing a new album which need previously discussed. Nothing else today though.

Sounds good Edz. No worries about W and I'm sure you're right not to seek contact. All in good time & everything is percolating. Pushing will only make things slower at this point. Tell yourself that whenever you feel the urge to ping, invite, message etc...

Doing great Edz - I'm pleased to read about recent progress my friend :-)

Thanks toots. Did forget to include I sent one text earlier only asking if s is swimming tomorrow so I know to pick him up and more importantly I can wash his trunks ready (they were in the basket from yesterday) no reply on that so just washed it all ready in case, but haven't chased or asked / invited anything else and no r talk at all. Exactly as you say nothing to be gained right at the moment.

Felt not upset or lonely but v drained and cold tonight I think past few days emotions catching up very nice hot shower and catching up with some reading (and forums)

Much better now.

Hi Edz. Perfect mate. One normal text. No answer so you carried on with what you thought was best. Perfect.

You are giving yourself every chance When you look back ( whatever happens) you will be pleased with how you acted.

Positive thoughts for you and S that it has the right outcome. Take care. Rd