So, here's a couple things. Most of us believe no OM and then over a couple weeks start to realize that 'hunches' we have start to take shape. I had someone that I thought she had a one-sided EA with, but then over the next couple months found out there was a PA with him for over a year. (Yep, I had no clue at all)
She was home most every evening and only went out with people I know, so if she was she is very good with her time and has hid it exceptionally well. I suspect its more a fantasy of what life could be as he is very wealthy but fat and ugly. Then again money can buy rose tinted spectacles. But honestly if I found proof then she could go. I don't lie down with whores, thank you very much. I have more self respect then that.
Originally Posted By: MCS
Here's the biggest two things I can recommend. Confidence (not cockiness) and Consistency. I've struggled mightily for months on these areas
I am a traditional jiujitsiu master and am quiet sure of myself and confident. I also have two postgraduate degrees and a high powered job. All that means f@ck all when you are rejected by your spouse and kids taken from you. During the separation I became a puppy dog doing everything I could for her. Must have been a pitiful sight and I suspect she loved every minute of it. Luckily she gave me 5 months to adjust back to my confident self before the BD. I was in a much better place to wave goodbye and walk away confidently. She hasn't taken well to "no" from me and is visibly irate. But I have managed to remain consistent during this time with my 180s and remain friendly and happy, and let her experience for herself what divorce really means. The only drawback is I don't get to see my children as much and it has really affected me.
Originally Posted By: MCS
Just like Sandi says, anything that 'reminds' them of the pre-BD will be taken hostilely right now. Referring to her as W, that you only see her as W, how the kids are affected, etc. just works backwards. I'm 7 months in and this still happens.
Don't really care what she thinks TBH. I am a man and I want my balls back. She is my wife and I want placate to her petty wants anymore. She doesn't care about the wants and needs of my children or me. I am not her friend, I have enough friends. What I don't have is a family and wife. Like I said before, I don't mind the anger, at least she feels something for me. Anger can subside and other feelings can replace it. Indifference is forever. Once you are her friend, you are a friend for life.
Originally Posted By: MCS
Also, why do you think WW or WAW? Do you know what things in the M that she didn't like or things you did wrong? If you don't know, it probably is closer to WW, but I'd let someone else make that assessment.
She had a laundry list of complaints, all minor BS. But I guess its the small things that add up. Easily resolvable, if she was willing to forgive, but she is not there yet and don't know if she will ever be. She is not big on forgiveness. Though she did become a Sunday school teacher this year, but I feel it is more to absolve her of her guilt of divorce and children than to actually preach love and forgiveness.
I might come across as harsh, I realize this. I am not a harsh person by nature, but mess with my kids and you see and entirely different side of me. They still cry to this day when they have to go to her and my heart breaks every time.
Are you referring to whether or not you should date? I can tell you right now that going out and dating someone doesn't always attract the WAS back. I don't know what "research" you've done but the majority of the time it doesn't.
It really does depend on the individual.
I hear you, but at this point she has filed for divorce and it looks like full steam ahead. I haven't done anything yet but honestly what other options are left to me? If we are divorcing then she has lost all right for me to remain faithful. Either way, it works and we begin reconciling or it doesn't and we get divorced anyway and I move on with my life. I don't see a downside. Even MWD in DB says 'act as if you have had an epiphany, you are now a free agent with the world at your feet'. I could be wrong but please elaborate on any other options available to me, if any? Staying a friend is not one.
My 'research', if you can call it that, is purely empirical and not extensive. Interviewed 6 divorcees, 3 LBS and 3 WAS.
1 LBS continued pursuing (friendship, kids, etc.) for 3 years and eventually gave up. No attempts on her side.
2 LBS pursued for a limited time and the minute they found someone else, WAS came a knocking. Granted both LBS had WW so that could have influenced the decision.
1 WAS came back after dreading losing her LBS to another woman.
2 WAS were continuously pursued and had no intention of going back too LBS but admitted to me that the thought of their LBS beginning to see other people was of great concern to them. More so if they were to have children from another relationship.
Researched these forums and others and the WAS that has suddenly had a change of heart and is now the LBS mostly confirms this theory. The begging, pleading stopped. He/She moved on with their lives, found someone new and now I realize how much I love them and want them back. It doesn't make sense to me either but read the WAS section of this forum and the previous guy's post.
One thing I have learned from the mess I am in is relationships are strange things and people don't think clearly when love, or lack there of, is involved. People want to live in a fairytale world, but I am a realist and I know that that does not exist and M is hard work and you have to continuously fall in love with the same person over and over again. Honestly, I don't love my wife right now, but I am committed (committed - love this word, as in you have to be crazy to marry someone) to her and will love her again given the opportunity.
