Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

Thanks all.

Unfortunately a bit of a downer tonight. No, not the usual reasons. S managed to break their laptop with an installed app and couldnt do his schoolwork so went round this evening to fix it. Wasn't planning on being about too much but couldn't leave s without a way to work tomorrow.

That took time (buried malware) but s reacted badly blaming himself though w and i said all would be well as it was, he's very on edge. W is convinced he's blaming himself for problems though we've separately and jointly told him things will be OK however we end up. She's also scared our recent talking may be responsible although this behaviour started before then.
I did my utmost to reassure s and w alike but its left me down this evening because he was upset and calling himself "fragile". I know its inevitable for children in this situation but it makes me very sad to see.

He has a busy day tomorrow and I'm taking him swimming tomorrow night as exercise is supposed to help.

So yes a downer after yesterday. I'm not out but I'm a little upset, yes I won't lie I'm worried that w will back off as she thinks s is reacting but primarily I'm worried about him too.

Morning all.

Well texts from w this morning, s is feeling a little better but they are still having some issues with the laptop. I know roughly the issue.

Didn't help I was exceedingly tired last night of course after a long day (worked on the laptop for over 3 hours last night).

I've been back to w this morning to say I think she should talk to s and ask if he'd be more comfortable if she comes along and sits in the stands during swimming (he's mentioned mummy coming along - I know she wont come swimming but I'd like her to talk to him on it, if she chooses to come thats great if not I dont want to be the go between as I dont think its helping matters in his mind)

I also mentioned a work around for their machine and when its convenient to let me know so I can put the patch on. Two reasons for this firstly I don't want to be in her space (or face) for hours and hours again under what seems a pretext and secondly verging into IT repairman/friend again. I'll do anything for s and to make sure he has what he needs but I don't want to appear to shoehorning myself in to her space until I'm well and truly invited.

We shall see I suppose.

Duality today, I don't believe that much will have changed in w's mind on relationship (think that was a 16 hour day making me paranoid) but worried about s. I think he feels "in the middle" of all this he's asking for me a lot when he's with w which is antagonising her slightly as she tries to help him with studies and upsetting him when he has to leave me.

Its both wonderful to be missed and loved by him and heartbreaking that he's upset over it.

We're going to look to see what we can find in the way of counselling we can agree on for him. Any advice from UK db'ers?

I think taking the lap top is a great idea.

It means your not around as you said, but still lets you fix it for s. Just keep on going it does seem like thing are a changing for you.

I feel at times just as stuck, s17 is just making things tough. Rolls eyes teen boys who know every thing.

Thanks Gg, I did offer to do that but I think (a) w is nervous about me having the machine (its hers as well) and (b) he uses it daily for other tasks as well.

I will suggest it again though.

Teen boys, teens in general always know everything about everything and are, of course, immune to all external influences and immortal. Its only us adults who are *always* wrong!

We have a feeling s (11 later this year) may be starting puberty as well which is definitely not helping on top of everything else!

So felt quite low first thing, worrying about s and worrying about w's reaction to s's behaviour was playing on my mind (annoyingly since I should be feeling quite good after Sunday)

Decided to do something rather than dwell so researched some bit w and I had discussed and sent her some information based on what we had talked about last night (all s related - nothing r based).

Also did more exercises than usual this morning which has helped to refocus me a bit today, sunshine doesnt hurt either.

I think the problem here is moving from a no information and no perceivable chance for change to knowing there is a chance and not wanting to make a mess of it or imperil it by doing too much now, swamping her or being seen to be "using" s's issues as any kind of excuse which i'm absolutely not doing. At the same time I want to help him and cant do that without talking to w and working out the best way to help.

Aww now its raining! Well thats poetically reflective I suppose

W texted to confirm she's not coming along this evening, s seems ok today - this is good. Shame she isnt coming along to watch s but never mind, she's been out since 9 something this morning. Heading out in about 20 to pick up s.

Thankfully the sun is out again.

Back from swimming. Interesting thing happened before I went w texted me to see if I could bring one of the small pans back I sent back she says the nicest things and then asked does she have any wine since I accidently bought a new bottle and have one she said a toothfull I offered her some "on the condition we can share a glass later of course" joking. She then called and I expected a telling off but w just said shed rather not have 3 nights in a row in case s gets upset or confused she then said "just go steady Eddie".

OK didn't get an invite in or a glass of wine with her but I'm taking that as a small win as it was definitely not meant as a rebuke.

Much fun was had at the pool except for s making a minor minor graize on his lip trying to swim underwater he got initially upset but I was able to talk him around think he was just a little tired. Working on teaching him some relaxation and calming breathing I learned back in august when I was having minor panic attacks and they seem to be working for him we'll see.

Anyway have to feed the bft and a glass of wine methinks. Little nervous about an unexpected 1:1 meeting at work tomorrow hopefully just a team leader handover call if not well I have 8 years there so should be an OK payoff anyway!

Hi Exz. All sounding positive mate. Your dealings with S are a joy to read. Dad and his S Lovely. ! Just my two pence worth , try to relax around W, she knows you and can se we when Edz is on edge , etc m try to keep the PMA without any expectations Easier Lewis than done but try. Again very positive. Slowly slowly catchee and all that.

Take care. Rd

Thanks rd its an interesting time hence the thread title!

Working hard on the no expectations side of things which seems more difficult now than it was before maybe because w is more like w was before bd I dont know. PMA is staying OK and of course at this point all my 180s are pretty much permanently part of me requiring no real concious work.

Time with s is always good (except when he's upset like yesterday even then I have no issues talking with him) i dont have issues relating to him now and often end up seeing him 4 days a week now not alwayw to stay but in august 4 hours a week was a lot!

I hope for what comes next I don't know and I'm trying to keep expectations under control and tempered with patience.

Sounds Good Edz. I think heed the message from your W and stop yourself extending the invites for a glass of wine etc.....let her lead the way a little more. Back off a little more and have your own plans some of the time.

Eager Edz risks shooting himself in the foolt....be CoolEdz...