Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Alpha - rollercoasting #3

You're right Twinmom,

I am working on myself to be a better person, and the picking on my W and her parenting skills is definitely part of that. I don't mean to be defensive. I appreciate and value your comments.

You're right about a parenting plan of course.

I just wonder how I'm going to bring that about given this last weeks' events (begging/pleading/stupidly saying I'd hurt/kill myself/wife not trusting me alone with kids). I don't feel I'm in a position to just simply say I will have them on this, this, and this day. I want to step right back and give her space but I want to be there for the kids where I can.

^^^ This is your entire relationship in a very small nutshell. Not just parenting. Apply this to your life and you will notice a change in the world around you and the world will notice a change in you. Twinmom picked up on my anger and resentment pretty quick just through a wall of text. If she can do that, imagine what the rest of the world is seeing in your remaining body language. You've got to change your entire thought process. If you think negative thoughts about your wife you will react negatively towards her, period. But start with your actions and your mind will follow.

Alpha, you seem to be accepting that your wife 'won't let' you have the kids. They are your kids and you have rights of access. Your W is not able to say you can't see them and take them places (unless there are specific factors why - and she may be concerned about your suicide comment, which was very unwise.)

If you want to see your kids and do LRT, I think a parenting plan would be the way forward. That way, things are specified, and you don't need to be in touch with your W to ask to see them. Just remember, these are BOTH of your kids!s

Thank you.

I am going to choose to be happy. I am going to put an almighty effort letting things slide (I've been doing this already actually), choosing my 'battles', and changing my attitude (even if it is only expressed non verbally now) towards my wife. Thank you for this perspective.

Edit: Hi toots,

I just saw your message. I think I know what I'm going to do now. I am going to wait until tomorrow (nearer to the start of the school week) and then text W about making arrangements for the week with regards to when I see/have the kids, even if that means in the short term having to fit in with her (part time) work schedule.

It is talked about her quite often where "we" as the left behind spouses want our partners to work on the marriage and know that the feelings will follow later......

You make a wonderful point in this post. It's the same for us, we need to make the change to see our partners (and the world) differently and the feelings will eventually follow.

It's hard, it doesn't feel comfortable and you most likely will backslide a lot..... but if you want to be happy in life you have to step out of your comfort zone.

Please work something out plan-wise with your wife. As Twinmom, Toots and several others around here can tell you, my lack of a plan caused unnecessary heartache to my situation in the beginning. Nothing overly formal or intricate needed. Just basic expectations put in writing.


Edit:
Awe, Twin, you're so sweet. Just know YOU helped turn me around, girl. You called my crap and I jumped on it straight away a fixed it.

My opinion..... bad idea....

Write down a parenting plan you are comfortable with. Ie
Mondays: I will pick up kids from school and visit with them at my parents house with my parents present (to ease fears of doing something stupid with kids around) and return kids to you at 7pm
Tuesdays: I will not see kids at all
Wednesdays: I will pick up kids at 8am and have breakfast with them at the school playground and leave them at school.
Thursdays: I will not see kids at all
Fridays: I will pick up kids from school, and we will spend the night at my sister's house and always be in her presence
Saturdays: I will return kids to you at 9am
Sundays: I will not see kids at all

THIS IS JUST A RANDOM EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!
There is no need for communication with your wife if you have this in place. This is not just for one week. This is NOT an open invite for your wife to decide day by day if you get to see the kids.

^^^ Do more of that.

I may need some help with the wording of things. I am now thinking I would like to send her an email. Then at least it is stored more permanently than on a phone etc.

Maybe something like this.

Hello W,

I would like to be able to work out with you when it will be possible to for me to spend some time with the children over the coming weeks, whether that is overnight or spending the day(s) with them each week.

Even though this is difficult for both of us, I hope you agree that it is important for the kids to spend time with both parents where possible. Because of the flexibility of my work I can fit things around your shifts at work if need be. I can also available should they need help getting to/from school on weekdays. If we are able to work out an agreement then hopefully it will benefit all of us. Please let me know when you're ready what your thoughts are about this. Alpha.

What do you think?

EDIT: just saw your message above twinmom. Just absorbing it now.

EDIT2: I'm just thinking ahead here, but where would I go next if she says get stuffed, as I think would likely be the case if I asked for too much right now.

Thank you Jefe.... getting off track but I am so happy for you that your marriage is on the upswing! Want to call my H and tell him how you faced your own issues and made yourself a better person? Lol!!!!!!

Anyway, sorry to hijack the thread here.... just wanted to high five Jefe.....