I honestly think the reason my WAW is pushing so hard for this D is so she can marry the AP. That is the only reason that makes sense to me. So again, who am I to stand in the way of true love?
This is the second time you've said this rhetorical question. Stop it. It's not true love. It is a drug.
Let me tell you what I've learned from having a front row seat to my late father's affairs and seeing other affairs as well.
For most of my life, my father has had a parade of OWs come and go. Where are they? Lost in the mist of history. None of them lasted at all.
One couple had a torrid affair. They divorced their spouses and married each other. They had a son together. Five years on, they divorced. Ayep.
From what I've observed IRL, I have seen all affairs BREAK up...both gay and straight. To my knowledge, I have not yet seen one affair couple going to the distance IRL. Most of these affairs I've witnessed lasted an average of 2 years or less.
I am going to set the record straight - I am no saint. Since all of this has happened in September, I have behaved been pretty awfully - especally at first. I begged, pleaded, guilted, yelled at, did everythig I could to stop this juggernaut. This was in the early months and made everything worse.
Now that I am in the 6th month, I have learned the DB principles better and now don't pursure, initiate conversation, am cool and collected in her presence, etc and am following the 180's to the best of my ability. Some days are better than ever. Some days the waves of grief over the loss of my family to this ugliness wash over me. Today was another one of those days.
My WAW also texted and emailed me about 10 times to "mediate" and to hurry because the clock was ticking. She is really aplying the full court press on me. Jeez. My L sends out his missive Friday so hopefully that will reduce my anxiety and she can't hassle me. So I wanted to set that record straight and that I take responsibility for making this situation worse.
I am going to set the record straight - I am no saint. Since all of this has happened in September, I have behaved been pretty awfully - especally at first. I begged, pleaded, guilted, yelled at, did everythig I could to stop this juggernaut. This was in the early months and made everything worse.
You are not alone in this. I think everyone here did a variation of that ^^^ in some fashion or another. I did as well. That was a most awful feeling in the world: utter betrayal and desolation at losing our spouses.
Oh F...I see your comments with Mozza about empathy. From reading your sitch, I do wonder if maybe being more empathic and practising more compassion with yourself, would allow you some insight into how to be more empathic to your W. Dear F you remind me of myself, try changing the lenses through which you see yourself, maybe try on some kindness and warmth for you. It will translate to your wife, without you trying. Just a suggestion. I am sending you kindness and warmth, please feel it!
Yeah - that is right up there with death with being a terrible feeling. I remember when a close family member died suddenly, I kept thinking it was a dream and if I could just wake up. This is a very similar feeling as I am sure most of you can relate too. It's like a really bad dream that you just can't wake up from. The reality of it slowly sinks in. I have heard that it often gets worse before it gets better, I hope and pray that is true.
Can't wait until Friday gets here and my L takes command. Until then, I will deflect and not take any calls or texts from WAW. Trying to avoid the storm by laying low.
Trying to thnk of WAW as someone who needs my empathy. That is a tall order I must admit. But I am thinking of her as someone who is not well and is in crisis. That makes it easier to deal with.
So I have been reading along ... I apologize because I can not recall where I read this .. I am sure people can relate as us LBS's to seem to gather and absorb as much material as we possibly can ... I often wonder if its to help ourselves or in this case help others.
Your WAW is kind of in a crisis mode, all she is fixated on is that her happiness lies somewhere beyond her marriage, so that means that the quicker she gets you and the marriage out of her life the quicker the pain will stop and she can find happiness. Currently the OM is the bright new shiny toy in her life, most of us have been there, had to endure that pain ... the more we act up, beg, plead, the more we appear weak letting the WAS know that they are correct in the choices they have made.... heck I drove mine further into OMs arms not even knowing it.
About the "True Love" bit ... yeah .. stop that. Here is the thing ... like I said I can not recall where I read this ... but the article dealt with WAW and how when in a situation like this they can and will take all that good emotional stuff they once felt for their husbands, and transfer it to the OM ... in a way tricking themselves into thinking that what they share with OM is a deep long lasting love, basically she moved her old house of emotions onto a very weak and unsettled foundation ... it will crack from the weight ... either she will start expecting things of OM, or OM will push the issue and add pressure ... regardless like Wonka said .. they do not last.
I had BD around my birthday ... Sept13, W left Nov13 ... not sure when OM was official, my guess Sept-Nov13 ish ... I made some mistakes but once I let go, allowed them to just be ... that R lasted less than a year.
My advice ... DB, go GAL, get yourself together, you can not control her you can only control you, the legal stuff will work its self out, she is going to pressure, rant rave and spew because she isn't getting her way ... let her pout .. stay out of her sand box, work on your issues and get your self back together. Become a guy any one would love to be around. This thing is more about us than it ever seems to be about them.
Someone just told me that liberation is the feeling that Wayward wife is feeling. The LBS is feeling dejection and sadness. That just stuck me as true - that is how they are feeling, regarldess of how many people they hurt and how many things they must sacrifice. For them it's all worth it - freedom at last.
That is beyond sad.
I just had to comment on this. I realize that it is an older post, but I know exactly how you feel.
Like you, I am the LBS and am doing my best to GAL and string together a few successive days where I don't feel so sad and like I'm a failure.
She, on the other hand, remains involved with her affair partner and cannot see the destruction and pain that she has caused, and not just with me. She lives M-F with her son in a separate hosehold, and goes to the OM's house every weekend. She has yet to incorporate her family with him and his family, and thinks it is perfectly appropriate to have 2 separate and parallel lives. She has completely written my children off as well. All in the interest of spending time with her new "soulmate".
Sad indeed.
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
Thanks Kramer and CaliGuy for reading and commenting.
Yes, it helps to know that others are going through the same thing. I have my l on the case and wont speak to my WAW. I have also told my L to drag this out in the hopes that the A will fizzle on it's own and we can get some therapy or at least start to talk again. I am not sure if this will even happen but that is my plan. I am trying my best to work it and hope that it works or at least gets her off alien planet.
This is just the saddest and most bizare thing I have ever encountered. Again, I never thought I would be in this situation. Right now when my WAW looks at me, which is rare these days, it's with such hatred in her eyes and when she talks to me or leaves me a message it's sooooooo cold and I can feel the anger there. Even in her email messages, ice cold and I read the tension in it. At first I thought maybe I am imagining them and now I think the tension is really there but I am not giving it any oxygen, she can pout and act like a teenager all she wants, I ignore her. I would guess that it's no fun to pout and not get any attention.
She then blames my lack at reaction is hurting the children. Phooey, I now see the manipulation she is using. Again, I ignore her and go on my way.
This is about to get more real on Friday and she is going to be really furious as a major dose of reality hits her. Oh well, Let's see how mad she gets. On a scale of 1-10, I am guessing a 10. I will keep you posted.
Someone just told me that liberation is the feeling that Wayward wife is feeling. The LBS is feeling dejection and sadness. That just stuck me as true - that is how they are feeling, regarldess of how many people they hurt and how many things they must sacrifice. For them it's all worth it - freedom at last.
That is beyond sad.
I just had to comment on this. I realize that it is an older post, but I know exactly how you feel.
Like you, I am the LBS and am doing my best to GAL and string together a few successive days where I don't feel so sad and like I'm a failure.
She, on the other hand, remains involved with her affair partner and cannot see the destruction and pain that she has caused, and not just with me. She lives M-F with her son in a separate hosehold, and goes to the OM's house every weekend. She has yet to incorporate her family with him and his family, and thinks it is perfectly appropriate to have 2 separate and parallel lives. She has completely written my children off as well. All in the interest of spending time with her new "soulmate".
Sad indeed.
Kramer - I just had to react to this - she will not see the destruction until she is out of the A. Right now this is all she is focused on. Why not use that to your advantage? You know where she is mentally - build a plan based on that.
