Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Alpha - rollercoasting #3

I'm in the UK. It's bit that it's difficult to pass the test (I did first time), I just never went for it until 2 years ago. Before then was at uni, then work, then met w, lots of holidays, no money or real desire to have a car until we had kids and needed one for family things. W never learnt to drive. She has epilepsy (no fits, just blanks - dangerous for driving I guess).

W has just called again. Meeting her earlier than originally planned. She was quite pleasant on the phone and asked where I wanted to go for tea, said see you in a little bit. Her tone has definitely changed from the last few brief calls, more pleasant and maybe dare I say considerate of me.

Let's see how it goes. I've felt crap missing my kids the last few days but in the last few hours I've felt a lot better. I'm sure I will hold myself together well this evening. Definitely no crying/pleading/threats etc tonight. I feel calm within at the mo .

I've just got back!

Our family meal out went quite well. First of all it was a joy to see my children. When my W went to the toilet at one point I asked them if they were having fun staying at their nans. They said yeah. I asked them if they missed seeing their dad every day. They said yes. I said 'you know your daddy loves you and I wish I could be with every day. Every second I'm not with you I miss you'. Then I gave them a kiss. My W and I have tried to keep the kids out of everything as much as possible. However, I never want my children to feel like I don't want to be there so I thought is have that brief word with them.

As for W and I, well, one of the first things W said as I met them 'don't think anything is happening, I'm only here for the kids'. I casually said 'oh yeah, I know.'

W was on the phone a lot. She even went and hid in the toilet at one point. I had to take the kids to the toilet and she was stood next to the toilet doors on her phone. She used her phone throughout the meal, saying she had to talk to a workmate. When I first met her she was on the phone and said to whoever she'd have to go because Alpha is here.

I kept things upbeat and friendly whilst not really making much effort to initiate conversation. I did on a few occasions but only general chit chat, no R talk. I didn't get emotional at all, which was very important not to do today.

W initiated conversation on a few occasions, mainly about her work and work friends.

After the meal I took them back by car to MIL's, said goodbye and kisses the kids. W and I exchanged a quick 'see you.'

Overall I got the impression that she would rather not have to speak to me, what with her texting on her phone an awful lot, nipping to the foyer to look at fish with the kids, asking again and again was I ready to leave. She barely spoke throughout but did speak pleasantly on a few occasions. There wasn't any animosity, no R talk, no talk of D, no talk of her new place (kids told me privately they haven't moved in yet), and no talk of incidents whilst son was ill. No talk of when I would see the kids next etc.

That's not much to cheer about but given a week ago W was threatening world war 3 then I suppose I have to be happy with things.

One thing that springs to mind now because we were all in the car today is that last week or so, maybe 10 days ago now when we had the school assembly, W was in car with me when I mentioned something in passing about 'my car.' She replied saying 'oh, it's just your car now is it?'. I found that odd as my dad helped me buy the car and did so after I'd split with W. She then questioned this buying of the car and asked why we hadn't bought it before. Like I say I found it odd that she might see something as 'ours' when it clearly isn't. It could just be something said in passing or maybe it was something else.

I can't edit the above post but my plan now is to continue/resume LRT now. By that I mean obviously no pursuing, no contacting W, and just waiting for her to get in touch about the kids etc. I miss them terribly but she will just throw any questions I have about the kids back at me as if I'm making demands on her. So I'm not going to give her that chance.

Edit: I forgot to say, on the way home S mentioned going to bed when he got back. Turns out W is having to share bed with our 2 kids at her mum's house at the mo. She said right in front of me in the car that she can't wait to get her own bed back. I did think what a comment to make. She plans to take 'our bed' to her new house. Such a hurtful thing to imagine that she'll be laying in our bed as I sleep in parents' spare room when house is sold. I've felt good this evening but thinking of that makes me quite sad, particularly if in future someone else ends up using it with her. Nothing I can do about that right now I suppose

I read at some point that doing a 180 should be uncomfortable. Well, I can say that not contacting my W is certainly that, particularly as I miss her and.my children so much.

We went out yesterday of course. I wonder if W is still in the affair fog. She seemed preoccupied with her phone an awful lot. I've been reading elsewhere about signs your ex missed you, with one being they might keep any dating from you. Well, I don't know her dating/A situation at the mo (she says she's nit with anyone tho when I asked her a few weeks back if she fancied anyone she pulled a strange face as she answered). She does seem quite content to take certain calls in front of me but others she wants to take privately. Who knows why.

I'm getting on with things best I can. I've been to the gym today, watching sport.on tv now, but it's so hard ti switch off when your family is not with you.

I'm not looking forward to parents evening next week. School knows about S now. Previously I mainly spoke to teacher as I mainly did all the parenting. W ignored the kids last night and was glued to her phone. At parents evening Im not going to have anything to say because I haven't done any school work with children since our S (well, I've read once to D at MIL's). I feel my children are missing an important input from me. I did everything for them. For example, my son could tell you what an astronimcal unit is, how many moons Saturn has, what 13 x 12 is. He was made up about the eclipse yesterday but in recent times when I've asked him something we have previously done he has said he is starting to forget. W is lining up computer consoles, endless magazines and football cards, sweets and treats all the time. I can see the negative effect on the kids already but feel powerless to do much. If I have to take.this so that say 6 months down the line things work out, but should they not I feel so, so bad that I can't at the moment do all the things I used to for both kids. My D is not as advanced as S but she is still my beautiful princess and I've always gone beyond the call of duty to help them. That is probably the most depressing thing of all at the moment, not being there for the kids. I think W is doing what she can for them but her doing her best will fall short of what my best is. That's not a criticism of her really because she can only do what she can, but knowing I could more for them is hard. Yes, in future when the dust settles I'm sure I will have more say in their education, I just feel ad about it now.

I've been reading through other users' threads today. So many seemed hopeless with S saying all the usual horrible things, having As etc, and then somehow they manage to reach the piecing stage. Oh how I would give anything right now for a sign that W was thinking about R and was willing to do.some work for our M. Maybe that day will come but being in limbo is hard. I'm GAL, doing the things I should, generally I'm feeling better despite some lows, but, like most here, I want to keep my family together because I love them all.

You REALLY need to change your attitude about your wife's parenting. I can tell you as a mother that when someone criticizes my parenting it is just about the worst thing they could EVER say to me.

When my H was living with OW he said, "my wife wasn't always a good mom" (he didn't say this directly to me but I found out about it. He thinks I am too strict. But anyway, I still can't forgive him for saying this.
Even if you don't say it to her the critical mindset is detrimental to your relationship with her (marriage or co parent)

Please, unless it's REALLY harming the kids try to work on your attitude that you are a superior parent.
What does your wife do that enriches the children's lives that you don't?
Life isn't about memorizing multiplication or science facts, it's about a balance of experiences/fun/education.....

I can't remember whose signature line has this quote but I say it to myself all the time when I want to go off on a pretentious binge yelling at my H.....
"You can either be right or be happy"

I want you to make a list of ten things your wife does that enriches the children's lives. Post the list and write it down. Whenever you are starting to go off the deep end with negative thinking reread the list.

Hi twinmom.

I used to comment negatively to my W about her parenting skills. She has mentioned this post S and so of course I haven't said anything to her about it since - I have just held my tongue. Again, you're right that parenting is not just simply educating the kids about certain science facts etc. We do not all have equal skills though, and even though on occasion she really does try to be a good mum, she never bonded well with her own mum at a young age, and has said on many occasions previously that she doesn't know what to do with them in terms of getting them to behave, showing them love and affection etc.

Some of the things I write here are for the purpose of thinking out loud and I do not necessarily say to her what I've written here.

My W loves our children, that is for sure. The things she does that I have not (or at least she does more of) are:

*taking the children to school birthday parties
*taking the children to the cinema
*taking D to ballet class
*baking cakes with them
*buying the sweets/presents
*combing D's hair nicely

That's all I can think of right now. I guess her time alone with them is going to be a chance to show if she can step up to the plate. She said she was cutting her working hours to spend more time with the kids. She has now put them in breakfast club and after school club so they are out of the house more. She does spend huge quantities of time on her phone and at those points the kids might as well be invisible.

I guess my point was that although we both have things to offer our children, my W is seemingly not capable or doesn't want to do some of the things I would do. For that reason our children our missing out if I'm not there to do them at the moment. I know this situation isn't forever as far as not seeing the kids goes, but I hate it right now. Sure, baking cakes is nice etc but she is never going to sit down and do maths with them or look at science books. That's not a criticism of her per se if she can't intellectually handle those things, but I wish right now I was there so that the children were getting those things from me and not missing out.

I have via email in recent weeks complimented W on how she has been strong enough to look after the children whilst we are S. I know that any potential future R would involve me stepping back and easing off from being so dominant over the children, their behaviour, what's best for them, and letting my W have more of a say. I am more than willing to do that. In the end we have to agree as parents what we both feel is best for them.

Does anyone who has followed my story so far have any advice on what to do regarding my children?

I want to implement LRT with my wife but I do not want to be seen to have abandoned the kids (I would never do that). So given my situation, how do I balance cutting right back interactions with W but also being available for the kids. She won't let me have them at the moment and is very restrictive over when and how I see them. I was thinking of sending a text on Sunday evening just to say something along the lines of 'if you need any assistance with the kids this week for school or looking after them, please let me know.' What do you think - good or bad idea? Any other suggestions are welcome

If your more than willing to step back and let her have a say in parenting then do that NOW!

I am just trying to help you here, please don't get defensive. Because if you do with me I know it will come off that way around your wife. Even if you "hold your tongue" that attitude and way of thinking come across non verbally.

Your children will not suffer long term damage, therefore use this as a learning opportunity/growing experience for YOU.

This is hard for me too, I understand! I really do. One day my H was supposed to bring the kids back at 2:30pm. I wanted to take them to the movies. They usually napped from 11-2ish. He wanted to enjoy more time with them so didn't put them down for their nap. I was livid when he brought them at 2:30 with no nap. I knew they would fall asleep in the car, and the movie would be out of the question and I would have two cranky toddlers on my hands........
I snapped at him about this and was a total bi!ch. Yes, we missed the movie. Yes, I had two crabby kids for the rest of the day. They went to bed early and I calmed down. I realized that they enjoyed the time with their dad just as much as they would have enjoyed the movie.

I am still working on letting go of what I think is the "best" for them. And my H has said he sees a huge change. He compliments me on my parenting all the time.


Again think about this...
"You can either be right or be happy"

Which one do you choose?

A PARENTING PLAN!