Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Part 16 - edz, just edz

No offence taken Jim

Waiting isn't living, completely right.

I know I have new interests in exercising and days out (when we eventually have something approaching a non wet day to go somewhere). Summer will bring photography and we'll see what else.

It's a good question Jim, I don't have a succinct answer despite being asked it many times.

I know what I enjoy, literature, music, movies, technology (although I'm steadily rejecting this now bar work and what I need to fulfil a function such as media), art, cooking (not being instructed but making it up from what I have) these are who I *am* - what I do regarding them needs some review and expansion.

I'm hoping for some opportunities for concerts or such but still looking for something I'd like to go and see in terms of musical performances. Nothing will ever change me into an outgoing dancing socialite and I'm only lying to myself to pretend it will.

Hence I need to find new things I haven't done that may be something I enjoy and keep trying until something sticks which is whats been happening albeit with not much success so far.

Beyond that I cant say as it would just be an off the shelf reply that signifies very little without an action attached.

Am I putting W under pressure subconsciously? I suppose I am and that's a good mirror to hold up Jim. I'd like to think not in her eyes just in my mind which is obviously why we post on here. If not I'd think she'd have grown tired and dropped any pretence at reconciliation by now if she felt pressured. Just my frustration at stalling at the moment I suppose especially after she dangled talking and dinner then went away again.

I know I've been asked this before, repeatedly, along with what will I do for GAL but honestly how do I pick a direction of travel without knowing what w wants to do?

The choices are pretty much simple; wait or move on. W has said she hasn't decided and isn't ruling anything out so, unless I just don't want to reconcile any more, surely waiting is the only course of action?

I asked this of a councillor last month, the reply was only I know what I want whether to 'wait and see' or decide I need to take control more than anything and give up waiting for a reconciliation that may never happen. The third way is the one I chose, the whole 'get on living and see'.That was sort of what I meant by I know I can't just wait forever though I'm just not ready to give up on the options yet.

Main issue I have is not stopping thinking about it. Don't get the wrong impression, days go by with no contact either way I dont have a stick in w's back saying has she thought about it all yet, normally comes up in conversation often not from me. Because w has s all week every week for H.E. and he's with me some combination of friday-monday less contact isn't practical. In a strictly co-parenting role we would probably still have the same contact just no lunches, breakfast toast or walks.

Its my mind that has it all on an endless loop and is torturing me on it, w will talk or wont nothing I can do either way.

I'm just fed up being alone at night and missing my companion no amount of GAL, swimming, art or any other momentary distraction will change that and right now there is no option open to me to salve it but wait, w hasnt said no, hasnt said yes, has only said ask again later. Meaning I wait or I give up and acknowledge that was my decision.

I don't want to and its painful.

Hi Rd

Oh I know how to waffle better than waffle brothers house of waffles believe me

I do love her, despite everything the past 7 months has thrown, the past 5 years of being sidelined, all of it. I'm suprised sometimes at that realisation.

I certainly have no intention of reverting, this me will continue to try to grow interests and get in better shape than I have been since 1999. Bonding and building my relationship with s is also happening no matter what.

Thanks for the review Rd and everyone else. Sometimes I'm just to close to it all and it goes on in an endless Möbius strip until I'm half mad with it all.

Ultimately I'm carrying through with my 180's they are all actions that are apparent not just empty promises. W told a friend of hers that I'd changed, no thinks I had just I'd changed. Ultimately only she knows if she wants to try for life together again or she wants to take a leap to take responsibility for something new. Right now she's got a foot in both worlds but isnt prepared to take full responsibility to jump fully I suppose I just dont want to be her plan 'b' and face it all again in a decade.

We shall see I suppose.

Hi Edz, lots of advice and input from your DB friends today. I thought I would add my 0.2p to the mix. Three ideas come to mind for me from what you have been saying recently.

First is radical acceptance. You remain very close to things that you have little control over. Accept that 'thing' may or may not materialise. Accept that your W may want to 'talk' next week, next month or never. Accept your W is confused and may be for the next month or year. Accept that she needs to take her own journey for now. Accept that you may, or may not have a future together. Truly accept all of this and release it to a higher power. As Jim says, stop the subconscious pressure - Let it all go. Let it all happen. Step away...

Second is forward momentum. In your sitch, you talk of waiting. Waiting for your W, Going back into your cupboard. Waiting for something to change. Waiting until she wants to talk, or tells you about thing. Or until she decides it is over. Or it isn't. This links to my first point. Let it all go and move forwards yourself. Press ahead with your new GAL activities (so pleased to hear about those BTW.) Take your own life off 'hold' and put it on 'forward.' Every time you say to yourself 'I'm waiting for this or that' - tell yourself no. I'm moving forwards. This doesn't mean you are closing the door on a possible future relationship, but the momentum is forwards, not 'on hold.'

Third is Edz, just Edz. Truly accept that you and your W may (or may not) reconcile. And embrace the opportunities the 'may not' might offer. Who is Edz, what does he like and want? What new things might he like to do. With whom? and so on. You sometimes say - my life was all about W & S before. And going forwards I may meet someone else. But there's a big healthy part between those two, which is reclaiming and enjoying lost parts of you, so that you arrive at any new R 'fully baked and happy already.'

I hope some of this is useful Edz. I think you're doing really well. But as you say in recent weeks, you sound a bit more down and a little stuck. You'll find a way to move past this I'm sure. And the beauty is - all of the above is possible for you - whatever your W may be doing. We all have faith in Edz!

Really well put Toots.

Evening all

Well the movie thing looks interesting. Still a while before it starts looks like summer but may be fun although a frightening number of neckbeards apparent!

Anyway also done the shopping made a chicken curry and eaten it and now relaxing.

Thanks for the posts all. I'm not as frantic as I sound quite relaxed this evening and I know why, haven't had contact today so calming down again and back into my regime albeit with new slightly scary peeps this evening!

Yes w's decision is w's decision I can't do more. I'll just let her be unless she pings me now. PMA boost as I got over my fear of photos and posted one on Facebook this weekend, people I know in other areas of the UK who haven't seen me in a while (12 months) posting nice things helps esp as I'm a lot thinner and better kempt now.

I know the issue it came up in counselling, as a child I was caregiver to gparents, then mother, then work then mother fighting cancer then some failed relationships then w and s and now 16 years later..errr oookk what now, its difficult to remember who I was or indeed want to be, I'm trying lots to sort for an introvert its a tall order!

I feel better guys, thanks for the help today.

Morning all

So after no contact since MD Lunch out of the blue w texts me at 23:30 last night talking about TV, replied with a light response and asked if s's day was good (birthday party he was looking forward to) just got back a good then so said goodnight to them both and left it there.

Not sure what that was, a possible ping ah, you're there that's ok then I can carry on ignoring you now scenario maybe. No matter set it to one side and actually slept very well.

Another grey day here although it seems warmer (could be exercise, sorting the washing, feeding bft and making coffee before work as well though) but in reasonable spirits today. Up exercised showered shaved all the usual and wfh so i can finish a little early to get to the pool tonight. May also go late night shopping for some more clothes as I want to go through my final "big guy" bundle of xxl stuff and get it ready to go so need some new bits in l (M doesnt seem likely with my chest size but maybe by summer!)

Let's see how my mood lasts!

Edz

I have only to say, get those new clothes, recycle the old ones, all of them. New cologne, don't mind if I do, new purple socks, yes ok, super nutritious food yummie.

Get some speedos, show off that bod and walk super tall in the new threads.

Yup, know you are super tall anyway, so walk the walk.

V

Evening all

Back from swimming and gym did both in 3 hours instead of shops, will do that tomorrow. Quite good this evening as seem to be getting better stamina which is good.

Came back to a pizza with extra chilli's and some cold white wine mmmm.

Couple more comments on that pic of me from the weekend on fb didn't hurt either. Chilling out for a bit then bed with nice clean bedsheets ahh.

Nothing from w yet today, wouldn't be surprise if I get an 11:30 text though. Doesn't matter.

Car getting mot'd tomorrow morning so early start recon it will need at least a tyre brakes and windscreen chip repaired we shall see on that one too!

Oh and v speedos errrrr nooo not until the muffins are dealt with now some smaller trunks in black may be an option but may need my back waxed if I'm going to walk along a beach like that!

Morning everyone

Back from the garage, was outside at 7:55 got in and the reception heating was off so froze my bejeezits off waiting (car said -4 here this morning) but the car unexpectedly passed which is a bonus. Just now need to change my license address and registration from the flat (have a redirect on at the moment) and I'm finally done with admin following the move.

No time for exercise this morning so will take a break at "lunch" time and grab 30 minutes and another shower will be nice especially if I havent thawed by then.

Nothing at all from w since the TV texts on Monday night. Not reading anything into that really, nice when I get a text but I'm just moving on and trying (at least) not to get hung up on it (journalling).

Catch you later guys.

Ah that's better 60 trunk exercises and 30 partial pull ups (no, not nappies) and a very, very hot shower. Feel much better now

Off to the shops tonight for clothes, tried on the next size down trousers and I can put them on and do them up but still tight in the thighs so a little while yet. Noticed my watch is sliding about though, grrr not being able to direct weight loss!!

W emailed me pics of s ice skating this morning, no text in the message but nice to see him enjoying himself.