Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers a young man with hope II

Went to the conference today. Went well, I think. The first thing that she told me (tears in her eyes) was that she didn't want me to hate her and that she wanted to be my friend. I told her that I didn't hate her. Throughout the conference, we joked and whispered and laughed to each other - which I'm sure seemed a bit strange to the other couples there to learn about the divorce process. It seems to me that dividing our assets and parenting time doesn't have to be a point of contention between us and that we won't need any kind of mediation. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted to get lunch. We rode together and talked about our son. It was kind of like old times. She showed me this little restaurant downtown that she said she thought I would like - and she was right.

I love her still. I'll love her until the day I die. It hurt to be around her and not hold her hand, to sit next to her without putting my arm around her. I thought that I could bury it all deep down but it was apparent to me the whole day. After I dropped her off at her car (it was snowing hard) - she got out and we said goodbye. When I was safely out of sight - I cried. I haven't been able to cry for nearly two months but it all came out today.

I know that this divorce is what she wants. There is no way for me to stop it. I can't control her actions. Hell, I don't even deserve another chance. It just feels terrible. I wish I was angry - but I just feel empty.

It's tough to admit but I really just miss physical contact. I want to be held. I know that's not a masculine thing to admit - but that's just what I feel today.

Then you are in the right place. Learn how to be the best father you can and the best version of you. I would advise that you don't sign up to "be her friend," but you keep the road home paved smooth. She needs to deal with her actions on her own, but that doesn't mean you can't get lunch (like you did) and implement sandis rules, 180s, etc.

Aouch. Poor lnlyshp. I know what you mean. I saw WAW for 2 minutes last week and it took me three days and lots of GAL to recover. I'm impressed you've been able to hold it in for two months. I was not a crier before the S and now it's daily. Did you feel better afterwards?


What definition of masculinity does this come from? Men are known for craving physical contact. It's not just sex, it's all the cuddling and even the bro-ing and hugging and back-patting and even contact sports. Don't be ashamed one bit for it. I'm 39, a father and businessman and yet I ask my mom to hold me every time I see her since the S. And I cry. And anyway, what if you were the only man who wants to be held? Just be yourself, no shame. This would be a great show of maturity and you're already miles ahead of anyone your age. It will greatly help you in the future to just recognize and express your needs.

Hello all. Just a quick update. Haven't had much time to journal with classes.

- Still in a depressed phase, I think. Finding motivation is tough.
- Reverting back to original stance of "Keep trying, it's not over until you want it to be." Thanks mahhhty & Mozza.
- Been doing well at smiling and being kind to STBXW when I see her. Not always easy, can be very difficult, but worth it when she responds.
- Cried in IC on Friday while expressing some things I have expressed here. I think he was surprised to see me cry but relieved because he believed I was holding too much in.

Thanks for reading.
- ship

One foot in front of the other my friend! Good luck with classes.

I second ALL of this!! Exactly how I feel.

Hello

I have read up on your sitch and I am truly sorry you are in such a bad place. I feel your pain and wish I could help in more ways than just posting my supporton this board.

We are all in your shoes in one way or another.

Chin up.

Foolish

Hello miman2 and FOOLISH. Thank you for reading my thread and for the support.

I guess I'm just writing tonight because I have no one to talk to. I'm lonely. Does anyone have any tips for coming out of the depression phase? I have been trying to eat better and exercise more - but have also started drinking to excess and gambling. Most of the day I just sit around thinking about how much I hate myself. It's not a PMA at all. I sometimes worry about myself.

I am nice to STBX, because she knows me best and I don't want her to worry about me. She texted me today to tell me she thinks she found a new car (her old SUV died recently). I realized it was the first time she's texted to talk to me about something other than S since she left in November. I responded in all positives - "that's good that you found a car!" and "happy for you! :)" etc. It's all I can do. We are going to a coparenting class on Friday. Asked her the other day if she would be willing to take S to the zoo for his birthday, just the three of us as a family but also explained it was okay if she was not comfortable with that. She seemed like it was okay. The other night - she had called me and told me how depressed she was because things were not going her way, that she had no friends and no money and no car and etc. I just tried to stay positive and make her laugh. I don't really know what to make of it. Just a moment of vulnerability maybe? Either way - I feel worse for her than I feel for myself. She doesn't deserve to feel sad or lonely. She deserves to be happy.

Tonight - I'm a bit drunk and generally just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I wish I had friends that understood what I was going through. I am so thankful that I found this community when she left in November.

Everyone please be well. I know I've rambled quite a bit but I truly hope that nobody feels as low as I do right now.

-ship

Hey lnlyshp, a quick response to show you that you're not alone tonight, that others are reading you almost live.

I feel alone too, especially the week without the kids. Sometimes I feel it's pointless to be alone at home, like my life is not really worthy if I don't interact with others. I'm trying to get over this feeling.


Me too, I sometimes worry about myself. I have self-destructive behaviors much like you have your gambling and drinking. It does not make it ok, but you're not alone. Eating well and exercising are good places to start. From these boards, I would add GAL to your list. Tonight I had dinner with a friend and I felt fantastic, like I was already over my sitch and on my way to a bright and fun future. I never get this feeling sitting alone in my living room. It can be hard to plan when you're depressed so tell your friends and family that one way they can help you through these hard times is to invite you to do things.


My reading of the books and advice on these boards is that you should say that you're doing X and that she's welcome to join.


Yes, probably just a moment of vulnerability. My WAW did the same thing soon after she left me, yet it didn't change a thing to her actions and she shortly had OM move in with her after that.


I'm not surprised that your friends don't relate much to your situation. I'm often annoyed when I speak about my separation to people below 25 because they have so little experience of life that they can't fathom the pain and the experience as a whole. They say things like "Man, forget about her, plenty of fish in the sea!" And I want to tell them that they have no idea what they're talking about. That's one of the reasons why I'm so impressed that you're here and so mature about this whole thing.

Remember that time is in your side. There will be ups and downs, but things will get better in the long run. You won't feel this bad in six months and you'll be even better another six months later. Work hard on your GAL and PMA knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Ins

There are two words in your threads that concern me. Alcohol and gambling, both of these activities are depressive and will reduce mood. They are both extremely addictive especially as a distraction tool. I note you are saying that you are beginning to hate yourself, in general in depressive times your body state (internally) wants to vegetate and suffer, activity is the key. Have you discovered TED talks yet? There are some very motivating talks on TED, there is a free app for TED, these are educational talks that are very inspiring.

I would very much like you to listen to this one:

Recovery through Games

Gambling is not mentioned!

It is a very dangerous combination and can (not necissarily will) set you up for compulsivity. Please accept from a spouse of a compulsive gambler, a 12 step attendee, and someone who has to deal with alcohol and gambling fall out in her life, that this is dangerous and extremely unattractive in a friend, relative or spouse. Please STOP before any damage is done. Compulsiveness is a fire that you can leave alone, it is Vs strong recommendation to cut both of these activities from your life for a long time.

Go exercising, volunteer, go GAL, study, read, take up a new hobby. Ins, as a delightful young man with a loving son and a future with or without W, react positively to your sitch. The measure of a person is what they do in the tough times, anyone can be happy in the good times. Additionally you will have more free time and money as a result.

Enjoy the zoo, I just love the merecats and penguins! Oh the antics and games they play.

V