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Post #4 without mentioning you know who

Went to the mall today and picked up some new clothes, something I had not done in a long time. I wanted to look spiffy and improved and to start living for me again. It felt good.

Stopped by Target to get some supplies for the week without the kids and piked up some new make up. Again I want to look good and spiffy. It felt good.

I don't feel like people are staring at me anymore like i used to. It used to feel like every one knew what was going on with me and my screwed up life. Now I know that is just not true and I am kind of enjoying getting into the swing of things - for me.

So I hope this makes up for the crappy day I had yesterday. I am trying to stop feeling sorry for myself. I didn't create this situation and I can't control it.

This week starts my divorce care support group. I am interested to see how that goes. I also start my exercise regimin since i don't have the kids with me.

Onward

Post #5 - no mention of you know who

Today I reread my DB copy- it's pretty dog eared at this point. The pages 186 - 187 resonated with me. I have forgotten how to make myself happy. I have indeed out my life on hold . Jeez that hurts. For so long (since our kids were born) it has been about them. Not that I am griping it complaining but perhaps too much was focused on them. I always thought that sounded selfish but now.... After rereading DB for the umpteenth time - maybe there is something to

Post #6 - no mention of you know who

OK almost made it to my challenge goal of NOT mentioning you know who for a week (aka 10) posts.

Perhaps you have noticed that my posts are frequent and don't go into much depth about anything much except minor things, what I am doing, what I am reading, house tasks, etc...

The truth of the matter is that this had been a very HARD weekend for me for a lot of reasons. This whole DB "thing" seems to backwards to getting what I want. It seems counterintitive as I have read that before. It seems just seems backwards to attaining my goal.

It feels like my family goes on without me (of course they do) and the world does too (of course it does). Who remembers the SKeeter Davis Song "End of the World" ? God, how I relate to that song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qgcy-V6YIuI for those too young to remember.

I have no idea how long this misery will go on. It feels like forever and a day. It is really painful and the more I detach, it seems the better things get for everyone else. It's like I don't exist anymore? Does anyone else feel that way?

I keep on trying to get out there, re read my DB books and GAL. I really do try to keep a PMA but was weepy this whole weekend. I feel silly and yet I don't seem to be able to keep my emotions from getting the best of me.

Everyone keeps saying oh this is so early in the process, you should have more patience, yet I am pressured into working on the mediation forms at once! I am caught and snared just like Brere Rabbit!

I guess this proves that patience is not a strength, not is fortitude. I will muster up the courage from somewhere and I am strong but for crying out loud.

THIS IS HARD!!!!!

Same here. Even though I have more time on my hands, I accomplish less during my week alone. The kids bring structure to my week, something that my family as a whole was also providing until BD. Alone, it seems like my worst tendencies are allowed to surface and I don't accomplish much. I don't know what to do about it exactly, but I know it helps when I enlist other people, such as inviting people over or meeting them elsewhere. It gives me the structure that I lack.


I know you weren't really on a date but out with a friend, but I want to comment on dating because I have a different perspective from Wet's and it might give you some perspective. In a case like yours where your WAW is clearly dating another person and going full romantic with her, I think your obligation to be faithful to your M is lessened. The M contract was broken months ago and I see little if any gain for you of abiding by it while your WAW has moved on. I'm not telling you to date, I'm just giving you another perspective for when you're ready to consider going on a date. Some vets were dating during their sitch, like Starsky309.


Excellent. I did a lot of clothes shopping in the weeks after my WAW left and it felt good. I still reap the benefits when I dress well on any given day.


Please report on this as I'm curious to know what happens there and what you get out of it.


Time is on our side, do you see it? The limerence of our WAS will wear off because it always does, so this frustrating impression that they experience a special kind of love will dissipate. Because they are humans, they will gain a little distance and realize that this new person has quirks and issues. They'll realize they were a little over the top in the feelings. They will because we all do and we, ourselves, did it in the past when we feel madly in love. Do you remember that?

Also, our situation will improve because we gain some distance from BD every day. Someone who has been D'ed for 10 years is usually over it and happy in their new life. This is where we are heading, if we don't reconcile. Happiness is assuredly in your future, do you see that? (and if we do R, it won't be all roses and rainbows anyway)

The improvement is not linear, but do keep in mind that it's moving in the right direction. OK?


These are excellent posts, about you.


By giving free rein to my WAW, I not only do the right thing, I'm removing myself from the situation, I renounce any responsibility in my WAW's happiness or misfortune. She will not be able to blame it on me, like she did at BD, so she will have to confront the fact that I'm not the (sole) source of unhappiness in her life. I also expect that she will gain respect for me for the way I handle myself with dignity during this difficult period. (I'm also awfully afraid she'll think it means I didn't love her that much and that I don't mind the S, but the vets are repeating to me that it can't be the case, so i roll with it.)

If you weren't doing this, how would you re-attract your WAW? You realize that she'll have to come back out of love and respect, right? It concerns me a little about the way that you approached your relationship before BD that you seem to think that being angry and a nuisance to people is a good way to keep them in the fold.

I hope your week will be better, thanks to the structure your work brings to your life. Consider inviting people over for dinner; I know it helps me.

Thanks Mozza for reading and posting on my situation. I really appreciate it.

I want to get out there that I am not an angry person - and now everyone seems to think I am. My WAW ia far angrier than I. She routinely throws things, ss
doors, yells etc on a regular basis. she has admitted to bullying me to do things that I did not want to do ( volunteer more as an example).

So again - I am not an angry person by nature. I have gotten angry once or twice during our relationship both times when she was cheating one (ea and pa). I could have handled those times differently yes I admit that but again 99% of the time I am not an angry person or even intense.

My WAW has told me and others that I an angry and mean person to justify her behaviors. It does feel that she manipulates me and the truth to suit her needs.

It feels like she plays me and goads me into negative behaviors and that I regret.
I have consistently worked on my issues over the past 19
Years while she does nothing for her own issues. That makeshift sad and upset like I do all the work in the marriage . I have tried to get her into counselling for years but nothing ever comes from it. I have given up trying.

I can assure you I am not a tyrant but someone who works
very hard to be successful and to provide for my wife and
family.

I hope this week gives me structure that I need to function better.

Thank you for listening.

One more thing

As I mentioned earlier, I have consistently worked on improviding myelf and my relationship to others. I have gone to counseling, support groups, church prayer groups everything that comes across my path I am open to. I have done this to become a better person and not to give in to my pessimision which I know I am prone to. I am not ashamed to admit this and have admitted it freely to others in my life.

I get zero credit for doing all of these things which I guess is not why I do them, I do them for me but still it stings.

Upon reflection, it seems that I have had the responsibilities of keepin the family afloat financially and as a unit. I know it takes two to make a marriage and it feels that no matter how hard I try, it just does not work.

That leads me to detachment. I am working to detach, detach myelf from keeping us together, detach from wondering about other moves made by people, detachment from what others may thing of me. Detachment feels like no control, that I have let go of the rudder, and yes, dropped the rope which I have not fully done. It is a strange feeling and frankly one that I don't see any results from but further isolation and yes despair. Detachment not consists of not talking, no texting, no communication (except fo the mediation sheet we are working on).

So, dear friends. We carry on and hope the winds of change take us to where we want and need to be.

Someone just told me that liberation is the feeling that Wayward wife is feeling. The LBS is feeling dejection and sadness. That just stuck me as true - that is how they are feeling, regarldess of how many people they hurt and how many things they must sacrifice. For them it's all worth it - freedom at last.

That is beyond sad.

Post #7

How is it possible to go through life with someone and watch the love turn to hate. How on earth is that possible? I am grappling with the fine points of that situation that we all are facing.

I honestly feel that I am a hated person right now, everything good I have ever done is vanquished, gone, poof and made to dissapear. That is so foreign a concept to me.

Have other had this experience? Is this common? I believe it is but it would be good to know that I am not the only one going through this.

As you may know, I am in the mediation process and the procesds has now turned ugly. Uglier than it has to be.

Thoughts on the proper mindset of the process would be appreciated. Of course I am getting railroaded and hurried to make decisions that I will not make now.

Of the sheer fun and joy of this makes my head spin.

F,

I am sorry to read that you're struggling. What is going on with the mediation? Details, details....

Isn't your L handling all of that on your behalf? Have you stepped away from any of the DIY stuff?

BTW, it's okay to share details about W here....ya know.

I have my lawyer on consulting basis and it now looks like I will have to use him instead of the DIY mediation. It looks like it is getting to a nasty place where I don't want to be.

I was hoping that I could handle some of it myself and he could handle the harder parts. I have called him in.

See below for email chain - it has just gotten to the point where my WAW will even negotiate. This makes me so so sad.

from me

What then are your counter points? We can negotiate from there. Let's start with one point/issue at a time. Maybe that will be easier. Take it in smaller chunks

to me

I already gave you mine. Not discussing anymore.