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Yep, and she will use her health, or anything else to make deeper digs at you. She has to see this method does not work at manipulating you.

She also needs to know that you are not doing anything for her that she is perfectly capable of doing for herself. You are not her secretary.

I never realized just how much detaching and doing the 180's and GAL helps!! It is helping me feel so much better and stronger. I never even thought wife noticed anything until yesterday when she chewed me out for deciding to coach my daughters basketball team and start playing golf without telling her. I wasn't doing any of that so she would notice, I just want to do some things for me!!

I am working on this also. In the past it has always got to me. She knew how to get her way and I caved. Not anymore! Even if things go south worse, I am doing my thing. I also will not lie about her employment anymore. It is a HUGE step for me! Not only does this effect our relationship, but it effects us financially too. To me money is not everything. We are not poor. We get by and if we worked together we could be in great shape. If money is so important, than she can head out the door with her job and go live with the guy she is texting all the time. She better print out a picture of the girl she is pretending to be and tape it on when she meets him!!!

Texted D this morning to let her know what about her mom and her kidney thing. D said that wife is not answering when she calls now. D said all she told her was that I was not kicking her out. Wife replied that no one has her back, she is all alone.

Question!! Now that I am enforcing my boundaries better, how do I keep doing it without coming off as a jerk? I have been known in the past to do the silent treatment and ignore someone at times when I was mad. It is hard sometimes to be firm about certain things. I am acting as if I am moving on with my life with or without her.

I think some men (not all) may be too concerned about appearing as if they are controlling or acting like a jerk. At this particular crossroads in your stitch, I think those two concerns may run secondary to you being strong in your boundary and firm with her on everything.

I don't think you should try to have small talk or sociable conversations with her. Not while she refuses to make any moves to quit her job or ending her online behavior. Not while she is lying and turning everything around to make you sound bad. Why? So she will not misconstrue your intentions or motives. So she will know this is not going to fly over in a few days and you'll be back to doing whatever she says. So she will see you are dead serious about it, and that she cannot use her usual manipulation in this case. The more you interact, the more susceptible you will be to her tactics.

You have a full plate at home, so as long as you are responding to the kids, I say not to add more stress to yourself by worrying what she thinks about you not having much to say.

That makes sense. Thank You. The reason I asked, is because I just got out health insurance fixed ( which she was supposed to do). And when she throws a fit, she says that she will just get her own. Well right now she can't. But I let her know earlier that I fixed it. She texted me back, so do I just pay you than? I said Yes and left it at that. I also don't want her thinking I was getting it fixed for her. I just want my darn health insurance. She just happens to be on the policy.

Joe

I can tell you how V does this, there may be better ways but it seems to work for me. I ask myself is the boundary reasonable? Can I enforce it? Once the boundary is stated then it has to be enforced if breached.

1. I only mention a boundary when it is breached and I know because I feel uncomfortable when something is done. Then it is enforced.
2. Once the boundary is stated and enforced, I change the subject ( called normalising)
3. I use a slow deliberate soft voice (no drama)

Here is a link to some examples that were discussed on ODs thread, they might be useful, there is also a thread on newcomers forum about boundaries too. If you read that thread of OD then OD cleverly enforces his boundaries with his WW.

Vs boundaries

You will never be a jerk enforcing the right boundaries and making sure that you are consistent.

This link is to Al Turtle who writes for young adults on boundaries. I loved this when I first read it because it made sense to me.

boundaries


V

Thank You V!! I will read both. I am new at this boundary stuff. I am dealing with a VERY stubborn woman! But at least now she knows what I will put up with and what I won't. She can do as she pleases, but I am going to do ME. I admit that I get kinda angry when we have this stuff go on and than every night, right back in that office!!!

Sounds really good to me.

Sandi is the master at all of this, just keep on with those boundaries and expect W to push back.

She knows you mean exactly what you say.

V