Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers My Wife Wants to Work on Things - Any Advice?

Well tonight was interesting. I got home late and we ended up talking again. She went though a lot of discussion where she talked about turning into her mother and how she is afraid that she'll look back and realize she ruined our marriage because of her issues... that I pulled away and she lost attraction for me.

She says that she doesn't trust love and doesn't love herself. That she's always looking for proof that it's fake, then attacks relentlessly to prove it's false. She feels remorse afterwards, but can't stop herself.

This is what made me pull away from her. There's only so much someone can take.

I'm not sure about the next part though... I told her about my plans for next week and who they were with. Things went downhill from there. Lunch is with a female friend I haven't seen in a long time. My wife knows I had a mild interest in her from back when we first got together. She said I can't believe you're going on a date so soon. I explained to her that what the f*ck did she expect? She's been messaging me for weeks now and making plans for us to divorce. That it's been pretty brutal, but that I was working on the next portion of my life without her. I know from an attraction perspective, this is a good thing (competition).

Let's say her normal behavior came back full force and she through some details of the EA at me. I left and came back maybe 10 minutes later after I'd had a chance to think. My question was if she was making plans to leave right after the Disney trip... she said no, but that's when she wanted to start moving forward with everything.

She's been making these plans for a while. So she used my bonus to get a new wardrobe, new purses (~$700 worth), shoes and other crap. So she's a rat.

Then she proceeded to tell me how she needs time to get setup financially so she can live in the area. Otherwise she has to move to Jackson and she would fight for the kids. She wants shared custody and no child support.

I can't tell how much of what was said is make-believe and what's real with her. She says she's yo-yoing and dragging me with her.

She did say she expects the other woman to go "gaga" over me.
And the that she thought I really wanted her and this proves otherwise (guilt-trip). Lately, another crazy thing she's doing when I do something she doesn't like is verbally "give me permission". So she gave her permission to go on my "date".

I feel very used, don't want her in the house, or on the trip. I want the woman I married. Not this person I'm with. But This is soo bullshit.

Can someone give me a link on where to find the stages of the EA/PA? The DB/DR books are all out of stock around here and I've been afraid to order them.

I googled some of the links for EA/PA. But if there's something better then please let me know.

The plan for today is I'm back to plan D. I see my therapist this afternoon.

Thinking about the discussion last night, she was planning on staying here to see a therapist and then go after the EA/PA. Definitely crazy thinking.

She's threatening to fight for our son just so she doesn't have to pay child support. Not that she really cares about his well being. If she's seriously come to terms that she has the problem with anger and self esteem, then I don't know how she could think I'd leave him with her without a fight.

She wants out with the least amount of baggage as possible (debt, etc.). She's been using the friend mantra for a while. She just it as easy as possible.

So I have a decision to make very soon.

Wow, it was the mother of a lot of other spew sessions this morning.

She definitely considers the woman I'm having lunch with a threat (she a different person than who I had my sexting stuff with last year). She was expecting me to find someone new, not look up old friends. For the record I never did anything with this woman and only ever had mild interest. My wife went out the of the way to call her a cow, ugly, homely, you name it. My wife even was comparing her attributes to this other woman, how she's hotter, etc. My answer was yes W you are hotter, but what matters most is how a woman treats me.

That flipped her out even more.

She reiterated all my faults with lots of emphasis, trying guilt trips, manipulation, you name it.

She even said that I appear to have moved on and have left her. That I should click it off... that she doesn't know why she's been trying to save this marriage, that it's crap....

The last one completely baffled me... save the marriage? She's the one that wants to kill it.

There's a ton more but I don't have time to tet to it all.

One thing i did want to mention... She said that as I've gotten stronger that I'm trampling all over her.

I did try validating as much as I could and restating that I have a preference for us but that I'm realistic too. Her was in a tirade and I didnt get a chance to say too much.

The jealousy just doesn't make sense to me. Its what she wanted us to do but I guess at her pace.

I absolutely did not tell her too many details of the plans beyond lunch with the woman and a beer with s mutual friend.

The intent was to avoid a lie/deception if anything she said on Wed was real and to not surprise her at the last minute. She accused me of enjoying that she's jealous. Which is so not the case.

Sherman, the next time your wife does her "permission" thing, just stop, stare at her incredulously and say "Wow. Do you REALLY think I need your permission as to how I decide to live my life? Just wow."

or

"(Wife) I don't need your permission as to how to live my life. You've basically fired me as your husband, and I have heard you, and I have decided that I'm going to live my own life, consistent with my values. But thanks anyway, I'll be sure to make a note of that."


Starsky

That being said, why IS it that you feel that dating other women is a good idea right now? Are you still trying to save your marriage?


Starsky

I didn't see it as a date. Up until Wed this was a divorce and i was focused on that.

The woman has her own life hours away. I wasn't intending to blow this up.

I've been second guessing everything and feel off center on this.

I question how much I want to save things at times. The W makes it sooo hard.

I screwed up a bit this morning and let my anger get the best of me in a couple of spots and feel like an idiot because of it.

Right now I see two people BOTH operating almost ENTIRELY by their feelings.

It's OK to have feelings, but you can't lead with them and for God's sakes don't make major DECISIONS based on them. And yet I see you both doing that.

Unless one of you (and that'd be you) decides to stop doing that, and to instead come up with a plan and start operating based on THOUGHTS, you'll never be able to DB successfully and save your marriage.

You two are both all over the map.


Starsky

Ok. Then the question for immediate next steps would be what to do about the lunch?

I'm perfectly happy breaking it off but we have an attraction issue and I don't want to appear wimpy either.

The reaction surprised me A LOT. I was not expecting that. I can send the W a text stating as such.

I'm also trying to interpret Sandi's rules for my stitch.