Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Alpha and WAW - part 2

I am trying to reconcile some of the techniques in DR with LRT. Can there be some crossover, I.e, have minimal contact as per LRT but when I do interact to work on showing changes, 180s, neighbourly polite conversation etc. Sometimes I've blurred techniques and contradicted LRT by trying to show a nicer side and maybe initiating contact etc when I shouldn't have done. Got to work on that.

Well, after a bad day yesterday so begins a good one today. I feel a lot stronger today. I had a very good sleep for once. I got back late from the poker and the emotions of the day must have helped to flatten me out come bed time.

Had a good interaction with W this morning as I picked kids up. I've been reading DR alot and also thinking about validation, cheerleading and other techniques to use in my brief interactions with W as part of my LRT attempt. Of.course it's too early to say but I think I'm finding my stride now. Validated wife over her shift and getting rest, also over her coursework in her job training. She might get into trouble because she is not keeping up to date with
her coursework. I said 'that's not fair, surely they could give you a bit more time? She agreed. She showed me kids' sample school photos so I could pick out what I wanted. She seemed quite pleasant considering.

I also tried to act as if. I got an immediate response. As I approached the door to knock on it, I thought about how W would probably open the door and scowl or look away, or generally not be too welcoming. I thought about how if she was happy to see me I would knock on the door, and once it was opened I would smile and give her a big warm, hello, good morning. That's exactly what I did. She was clearly going to open the door in her 'oh you're here' manner when she caught sight on my big hello and it prompted her to change her demeanour and respond almost in kind, with a vaguely warm good morning. Questions from me about school and kids followed in an upbeat manner, and the conversation went well.

I thoroughly expect in the short term for something to jump out and catch me off guard, like the house sale or mention of the big D, but I am trying to prepare myself for that so we don't have a repeat of yesterday - lovingly detached is the key here.

I think a key thing for me is employment. I am self employed. Previously working around kids at school, being home etc appeared great. Pay wasn't to hot cos it is basically part time work. W resented this because she worked FT and had to leave early and/or get home late. I think the biggest 180 I could do is get a regular job with a steadier wage. That would be better for myself right now but also leave me less time to ponder things, show I'm moving on/making changes...and it is something she mentioned just a week or two ago when I'd said I had applied for a job.

IMO you are still too focused on her, having the need to 'tell' her about all the developments. I Think it would be beneficisl if you cut as much contact to her as possible for a while and try to truly detach. Only kid related.
Anyone else an opinion on this?

Complex, do you think it's possible mix other techniques in with LRT if I see wife virtually every day through kids? I hear what you're saying. I wonder if cheerleading etc over little things is a good thing if she brings up say a work conversation if I'm there anyway, it should I just be polite but not expand on things. Doing that recently seems.to have backfired as she's got angry and said I'm not communicating.

Haven't seen a situation yet where this didn't make a difference to a woman, but keep in mind: you should be doing these things for YOU, not for her. Do them because they make YOU a better person, and a more attractive mate, to SOMEONE. If that happens to be your wife, then all the better.

Your ACTIVITIES are in line; your FOCUS is still too wife-centered.


Starsky

EXCELLENT!!!

Starksy,

I was happy with my job given our family context. Now that's gone it is not enough for me. I do transcription work from home. It's highly concentrated so simply upping my hours to earn more is not viable as I'd have no eyes left...and be mentally shattered. I originally got the job as something to do as I was.unemployed at the time after losing my old job and had two young children. W was in work part.time at this point. She changed jobs and became full time about 3 years ago and slowly her resentment seems.to have set in. Hourly rate for myself is good, just not enough hours. A regular job that's not so highly concentrated would be good for ME. Maybe I will have to do training. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do in the long term, but in the short term just some.sort of regular job would be fine.

A woman can build up an awful lot of resentment in three years time, if she feels (fairly or unfairly) that her husband is under-employed. "Security" typically ranks very high (usually at the top) of many women's emotional needs, and if a woman doesn't feel secure in the marriage it can lead to resentment, unhappiness and even waywardness.

Well, when we went out for tea a week or so ago and I mentioned applying for a new job, she said, I've been telling you to do that for years (including dentists and opticians). The reason I hadn't before was that there would have been no one present to take kids to work, pick them up. I suppose W could have cut hours but it just didn't make financial sense to me to have me go and earn half her hourly rate so she coukd stay home for the kids...how I would happily take that now