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Ditto

I'd say you handled it like a pro, but I don't know how you're supposed to handle that?! You've given me something to look forward to with my D10

Because everything is a compromise. Don't you hate the sound of your alarm clock in the morning? Then why don't you quit your job? Don't you hate being caught in traffic? Then why do you still drive? Because you assess that these things bring you more than they take away.

Many newcomers seem to wonder why WAS don't come back when they face difficulties or when they miss their family. It seems pretty simple: they nevertheless perceive their current situation as better than the M. It doesn't mean that certain things aren't missing or difficult. My WAW is back on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, insomnia, now drinks too much, complains about having no friends, etc. Yet she still says that we will never R. It doesn't puzzle me. It just means that our M seems more hopeless to her than her current situation (with OM). At least I know that if the tide turns, she'll have plenty of reasons to justify her feelings in favor of R. It wasn't like this at first: she seemed to be in paradise for a few weeks after dumping me, which was no good for R (or my self-esteem and PMA).

I find that it's useful for newcomers (like me) to understand the point of view of the WAS, to develop empathy. Sandi2's advice revolves a lot around that. It removes some questions and makes our reactions easier to manage. In this case, instead of being puzzled, we can be understanding that the balance hasn't shifted towards R. We can empathize with their difficulties without applying our filter on them.

I'm glad to see continuous progress in your sitch.

Well said. She may complain about her current life, but what she is not saying is that she obviously still prefers it over her marriage or she would be back. Whether that reason is freedom or pride, whether it makes any sense or not, whether she seems rational and reasonable or not, it doesn't matter...you are going to have to understand that you are NOT going to understand everything, if not even very much.

When you go into it with that mentality, it doesn't take away some of the shock value from their decision-making, but it does temper our natural response. Here is an old quote on the mentality of your posture:



Stick to your plan no matter what she says or does. Some days will be better than others, and some days will be more difficult. Sometimes you just have to put your head down and pull that sled.

-PM

How do you trust again?

It helps to have a REASON to. Right now it's worrisome you're asking that question.

Has your WAW asked "How does one regain trust again?"

Zues you are probably the perfect one to answer that!

So here has been what's going on. Where to start. Well we have been spending most nights as a family(not over night). We have been cleaning out the old house, having dinner together as a family. Me and the wife have been talking all the time and she has been pretty upfront about every thing (sort of). We have been working out the kids schedule, like I work here or have this going on type stuff. So it seems like she wanted things normal, if you get what I mean.

On Wednesday OM was suppose to come get his stuff that she had all packed up. I didn't really get the hole scoop but her brother was there to make sure every thing went ok. The jist I have gotten from her family, that is excited she is finally done with OM, that he has been very mean and they where scared for her. Apparently he couldn't get every thing in one load. So he had to come back a different day to get every thing. That night was last night. She was at my house with the kids and was very upfront with every thing. Told what time he was coming and every thing. One kid stayed at my house, one went to a friends and one went home with her.

The trust question came from this. Although she has been very upfront about every thing else. She has said she was going to tell the kids that her and OM are done but hasn't done that. They have said they haven't seen him at all and she is not on the phone with him at all. So this has caused me some concern, just didn't feel right. So I had to find out. I know we are not suppose to snoop but I just had to figure this out. So I left for work a little early today and drove by the old house where she is still at. You guessed it, his truck was still there.

I guess I just don't know how to approach this. I'm not angry at all. And I don't know why!!! She could be there hurt or they could have talked all night or the other. The addiction could be still strong and probably is. But she has been doing every thing else right and acting the right way. Should I bring up how come she hasn't told the kids about OM? Ask how last night went?

How do I approach this?

Thanks
3kids

Ouch. I don't like that. I can't wait to see the advice you get, but it sounds like you should get ready to enforce some boundaries. My approach would be to ask how things went and see if you catch her in a lie. If she lies, such as saying that he left last night, then I'd just stop her to say "We both know you're lying. I have some decisions to make." At least, that's what I heard Starsky309 saying around these boards. It would be good if he came to give you some guidance.

Another thing that I read around here is that it doesn't matter how normal the WAW acts if she's still with OM. Some even go to MC, they ML, etc. If the OM is still in the picture, it's all a front to preserve everything she wants in her life, H, family and OM.

Mozza I forgot to mention one other thing. Last night apparently the kids where out side playing with the neighbor kids. Well the wife ran up to the store to grab some soda for the kids. Well she got a phone call from OM saying that my kids where throwing rocks at his car when he drove by. First off why is he driving by my place, second although I didn't raise my kids that way but good job kids. And all the wife said was I know it's OM but don't throw rocks at cars that's what the police will arrest you for.

Not an easy situation. Vets- chime in.

I'll just observe that you've found yourself in a less than ideal situation.

I did auto loans for years. We didn't make loans based on feelings, we based them off of income/credit/collateral. If someone had shaky credit, we'd make them provide paystubs and other documentation to verify income. I am starting to think of these situations like I was underwriting a loan application.

In this case the "application" is WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN YOU TO PROVE HER SINCERITY TO REBUILD AN M. What you are "lending" is your willingness to share your life, be her H, give her your trust and forgiveness, etc.

The problem is when you get too excited about some of the things going on you'll blindly overlook red flags in the other areas. You say you make $50,000/year but they don't give you pay stubs so you can't verify it? That's fine, I don't want that to hold us up...I'm telling you, it's flashing back. I did subprime for years and every time someone made up a story about why they couldn't prove something it was bogus. Some got offended, like how dare I ask, etc. Rambling now.

Point is- no one is easier to con then someone that wants to believe them. I feel you have let her back into your life TOO FAR AND TOO EASILY for a woman that is in a fantasy world, addicted to OM, and trying to avoid consequences.

What I expect to happen is for her to play you, you to feel ok about it because "you believe in M and wanted to give it every chance" and you'll feel that way until you see it just enables her and she's just pulling you into her garbage world, then eventually you really will detach and move on and live a separate life. At that point she'll have some road ahead of her and so will you. From there who knows.

But I'm NOT a vet. Just my rantings on a Saturday morning. VETS- chime in!

Thanks all!

I just let my hope get the best of me and got off track. 2x4 myself a good one. My expectations got to high and believed what I shouldn't have. She is still a WAW nothing's changed. Keep my feet planted and live my life with my kids. She is welcome to join. Feel very stupid to have even thought she was changing. Maybe she is trying to make the right choices but who knows. Until she wants to commit to our marriage there is no hope. Like PM says just keep plowing ahead. Thats all your left with at the end of the day. Just feel very nieve to think other wise.

Thanks
3kids