Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife having emotional affair 5

Had to fix that.

OM's can be sooooo controlling. <eek>

Zelda Fitzgerald is a favorite character of mine, though an unfortunate inspiration for a healthy marriage. But it's a bad-ass name I needed to adopt as an avatar in a time of feeling generally small and unlovable.

3kids, I have to hand it to you and everyone else doing the work despite the infidelity. I can't even imagine leaving room in my heart in that sitch or ever being able to trust again. But like your namesake, there is a lot at stake. And they say sometimes M is stronger after. I read an article a while ago about how often an affair isn't the search for another person as much as it is the search someone embarks on to find themselves or a piece they've lost. Eh.

Do you really think she's afraid of you also meeting someone? I'm not a big fan of games, but if there were a way to get together with some single guy friends and go out, that would sure be a nice way for you to let her know you're not dead, or hanging on hope of her return. For your sake, I am glad to hear of all the insecurity of the OM. Like Bulldogs said, that's probably the thing, but I initially thought after everything you described - the guy was going to throw himself at your feet and say, dude how did you handle this? LOL. Keep at it - self respect and love above all.

Forget playing games - do it for you! "GAL!"

-PM

I have a question for anyone and every one. Since this has been brought up. How do "court" a wife that is in an active affair?


Like in recent, I have been doing stuff with the kids. Like dinner or other fun stuff. And she has asked or made a comment that she would have liked to join in. Or even last night she brought up that new movie "Fifty Shades of Grey". Like she wanted to see it but had no one to see it with. Do I start to ask to do this stuff with her? From what I've learnt, you let them come to you. Let them do some work.

Thanks
3kids

3K,




You don't and can't court W while she's sucking OM's face.

Nor do you act like her best gay boyfriend.

Do you want to be the poor third wheel in their A??!

Is the OM still in the picture?

Mr.Bond yes as far as I know. Not like I'm thinking about doing it. Georgia Bulldogs and Zelda brought it up. So I was just wondering. I've never been the person to break up a relationship. So I don't think like OM. Wonka, I know what your saying. Trust me I'm worth more than that.

Georgia Bulldogs, I find your comments hilarious. If the wife was accutally telling the kids and me the truth. Which, I stopped believing a long time ago. I find your comments to be true. She said she was working an aweful lot lately. When normally when OM is home she doesn't work at all. That would probably cause him to worry.

PM, I honestly have not GALed this much in my life. My only down time is at work. Ha ha


Thanks
3kids

Very true, don't act gay at all. But I don't see how a man fighting for his [female] wife and pursuing her could be considered homosexual behavior???

Why is it that OM's can "steal" the attentions and affections of our wives while our wives are in a relationship with us but then it's impossible for BH's to "steal" the attentions and affections of our wives back???

I'm not really suggesting "courting" in the traditional sense of bringing over candy and roses while asking her dad for permission to date his daughter. Rather, perhaps, I'm suggesting you essentially "court" her away from OM just as he "courted" your wife away from you. How did he do that? He purposefully met the emotional needs of your wife that you weren't effectively meeting in a manner she liked. [I'm not saying it was your fault for not meeting those emotional needs in the manner she liked...I'm just discussing reasons, not blame]. He "swooned" her by talking to her. So now that your WW has settled into a relationship with OM they often discover that while OM does meet some needs well...he's just not you. He doesn't know her all that well nor for that long and since the relationship is built on lies and deceit there's just something missing [he's a jerk isn't noted...YET]. Again, he's NOT you and he is not her God given "soulmate". That's where you come in. You MAY have an opportunity to cunningly and WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS meet some of her most intimate emotional needs in a manner she really really likes to a point that as her interests and excitement over the new relationship wanes even more and even faster as her feelings for you become restored and rejuvenated A BIT. Perhaps even you can get her to keep secrets from OM and then "sneak" around with you behind OM's back like an alpha male 100% confident that you are the better man (because you are). Again...this isn't recovery. It isn't progress. You are only doing this to facilitate the end of the affair. You are attacking the affair just as OM attacked and undermined your marriage. If the affair ends THAT is progress and when recovery MIGHT commence but until then the affair continues.

Perhaps mostly this is done by spending as much time as possible with her (while, as Wonka pointed out "not being her Gay friend" meaning you are OBVIOUSLY not supporting, enabling or approving of OM or the affair) and listening to her. Asking questions but listening to her and trying to get to know her (even though she'll ramble like a drunk narcissistic entitled teenager and anything mean she says has to bounce off you). I hate to say "validate" because validation isn't an effective intimate communication style. It's to repetitive and plastic sounding. Plus I don't see "validation" as a technique in any of the MWD materials I looked over recently. IMO, "validation" is a way to effectively communicate with a soon to be ex-wife, not you lover. Women want engaged communication. Not "mirroring" and psycho-babble. (this is why Imago therapy is such an ineffective marriage counseling technique but that's another story). It is safer to tend to agree with a wayward but controlled tempered calm conflict is not completely your enemy. NOBODY knows her better than you....but you can only do this with confidence and a willingness to endure the pain of rejection (while realizing YOU are her last hope for redemption but you will be happy no matter the end result).

The results could include:

1. OM starts getting possessive and controlling.
2. OM gets ticked that your wife is always with you and unavailable for constant texting
3. OM starts to consider that maybe other more available less troublesome woman would be a better option
4. OM dumps your wife.
5. Your wife dumps OM (not as likely as OM dumping or cheating on her)

If you reconcile...you've got some groundwork already in place for a solid recovery as your wife already would have somewhat restored feelings for you. Plus, she will eventually feel that your ACTIONS "saved" her from her own destruction and the worst HUGE mistake of her life.

If you don't reconcile...hopefully this will, at least, facilitate a break up and the removing of OM, the man that dates married women and participated in the destruction of your family, from your children's lives forever. You'll also have the satisfaction that you actively fought for her, your marriage and your family which will enable you to heal easier after the divorce without having to 2nd guess yourself with a bunch of "what if's?" because you seriously tried and didn't just sit there hoping your wife would come back to you.

Yeah. I say steal that base back. But it means acting like the string man you are, not doormat or gay BFF.

Strong. Sorry phone typing.