I just read your backgound and found we have very much in common, he's LD, I'm, HD. I am wondering if part of the problem is that we do get along so well in other respects with our partners. Are we afraid to stir up trouble? Do we want peace in our homes and therefore let things go rather than deal with them? Tell me in your relationship is your wife the more laid back person or are you?
In mine, I am definitly the more vocal and (OK, I'll say it) more uptight, I worry about stuff. I often say that if my husband was anymore laid back he would fall over. I take care of the finances, most of the kid stuff and most of the household duties....but it's not because I want to it's because I have to.
When I tried to hand over the finances to H, we almost had the electicity turned off because he forgot to pay it (3 straight months!.) He didn't worry about that at all... Because I fixed it. I called PPL got an extention and got to work late the next day because I had to drive the payment down personally.
So... I took the finances back and he started doing the wash. After two weeks my kids were begging me to take this job back too. My D's favorite dress was the size of a barbie dress, my son's favorite T-shirt was pink, AND I had no underware. (I am not kidding none... To this day I still do not know what happened to it!)(I might be able to explain that better if he was the one who is HD!!)
OK, now that I am writing this.....I am thinking he's the one really in control here. He doesn't like to pay the bills so I do it. He doesn't do the wash well, so I do it. Maybe not wanting sex is just one more way for him to control the relationship without having to do anything!!
The funny thing is... this makes him out to be a bully and he really isn't. He is one of the nicest guys I know. Anyone that knows us would laugh at the thought that H is the conrolling one. (I am always the one with my mouth open) But quietly, very quietly he gets exactly what he wants. And, most times we end up laughing about the stuff he does rather than yelling about it. Maybe I'm letting him get away with too much. Maybe I need to stop fixing stuff. Maybe by me fixing things all the time I am not letting him feel like a man. Or, maybe he is just getting away without having to do the crappy at home jobs and this has nothing to do with the sex thing. Thanks for letting me sound off on your posting.
P.S. I just went down stairs and told him he had to pick 3 household tasks and I didn't care if I had to go out and buy all new clothes or go without electricity. I wasn't taking the jobs back. My teenage daughter almost started to cry!
I'd say you're on a good track here. He sounds passive-agressive (not that I'm an expert or anything). I will tell you that one of the favorite male tricks for getting out of a job is to do it badly. We know we'll never be asked to do it again. OTOH, if you're constantly fixing things he's supposed to be responsible for, you may be quietly castrating him without even knowing it. Let us know if your current tactic works or not - if not, there's lots of other things to try. Like... you might try being very quiet for a while...
katie444 quote: ...I am thinking he's the one really in control here.
In an SSM, the LD is always the one who controls the relationship. Before I read the book and joined this forum I knew nothing about HD or LD but I had my own theory. It was that in every R there is a "Kisser" and a "Kissed". The kisser is always looking for more love whether it be kissing, sex or what ever. The kissed is always trying to fend off the kisser. You can tell which is which simply by who makes the move to kiss the other when one leaves for work or returns from work. When my W leaves the house first, I always go to kiss her at the door (she offers me her cheek) and I nearly always wave to her as she drives off. When I leave the house she either ignores me or allows me to kiss her cheek. She never waves me off. So I am the kisser (HD) and she is the kissed (LD). SD
Interesting theory. In my case, we have one car, and she needs it to get around (things are pretty far-flung here), so she drives me to work, which makes it a good thing that I work only about 3.5 km from our house. So she drives me there and picks me up. A side-note: this makes me a virtual prisoner, as work and home are pretty much the only places I get to go most days. Anyway, when we arrive where I work, we kiss goodbye, but it's a really formal ritualized thing. We kiss on the lips, and we both lean towards each other to do it. Three smacks, that's the norm. No kiss "hello" when she picks me up. We kiss "goodnight" at bedtime, and it's the same deal - we both participate, and it's the same, formal, ritualized thing. In fact, even our ML has become very ritualized. She's LD, I'm HD. (as most here already know).
SUN AM: Sorry to sound so scary but if I were to graph my trend at dealing with anger and frustration, it would clearly be moving in the right direction (though it might sound otherwise). The reason I sound so venomous here is that I absolutely don't want it to spill out here at home. Yes, this is the first time I have ever bit my tongue, sat on my hands and waited for it to pass. This is the first time in my life I have ever done something like that. It was a horrible feeling but it surprised me to see that actually "vaporizes". I do have anger issues in that I've typically ignore the things that bother me only to feel yucky way down the road....like a pushover.. Now I pay attention and let it hurt immediately, and simply try to just chill. Next time I'll be much better at it. I just had to force myself to stop paying so much attention to the "attention" I was getting. Someone here said that I was keeping too close of a watch on this and that was true. Corri said to not let W off the hook when she does something to upset me. Granted I didn't give W any clue about what was bothering me, she definitely assumed it was her and were great today.
This morning we had about 45 minutes of cuddling, good kissing and a few gropes. I was totally into it. Things are good. I'm hopefull that tonight we will get a good session of LM in before my trip. I (nicely) set the expectation this morning (when we stopped) that we need to make time together tonight.
Yep, I'm paying attention to all this stuff because it's the first time I have ever felt this way and I know in my heart what "good" behavior is and what "bad" behavior is and I'm getting better control of it.
Just ML....or something like it. Maybe I shouldn't have set the expectation because she treated like a hassle then played it off as her trying to be more "initiating"...but it seemed incredibly rushed. I even caught her looking at the clock when we started like she was going to try to break a record or something. Needless to say, I physically fell out of the mood but my heart was dying. I knew I needed the connection and so did she. We had to start over and it worked ok...more later..she's coming.
Dave36, Wouldn't it be a little more politic to stay and be with her after ML rather than to rush away to be with us? Quote: ..she's coming ...but sadly you've left the scene of the crime by then. SD
Agree. If you're actively in the process of working with W, perhaps you should limit your time here, the better to spend more with her. I know this place can be addicting.
OTOH, if you're here because SHE jumped up and rushed off to do something (laundry, ironing, etc.) then I can fully understand...
She DID jump out to go do some things. Trust me, I wouldn't have been here if she hadn't. She definitely wasn't in the lovy-dovie mood last night. But, she also came back and gave me a completely uncoerced apology for leaving. I think she realized that she was being sort a spiteful about it. I'm chalking last night up to a minor stumble.
So my big question of the day is this....
If you can clearly see that LDW simply wants to "service" you and isn't "into" it themselves? Do you let them?
NOTE: I only feel compelled to post when I'm feeling "abnormal" about things and last night really messed with my head. Yah, picking the laptop up off the night table within 10 minutes of lm is wierd in normal circumstances. This wasn't normal. I was serviced, then left alone. Also, it's probably too easy to post because my laptop allows me open it, post and close it with 0 waiting for it to wake up and sleep from any spot in the house. That's the entire essence of Apple - to accommodate instantaneous bursts of thoughts and inspiration. W and I each have our own and she's used to using hers in a similar way...keeps it by her side and has spontaneous bursts of using it. When we watch TV, it's not uncommon for both laptops to be on the floor next to us because we always use imdb.com to figure out who the actors are and where we say them before. Sorry, I'm digressing....you get the point...we have a wireless laptop culture thing going on in our house.
Dave, Could you explain again to me what the basis of your anger is? I am not following what has made you so angry. Was it because you had an agreement to ML twice a week and she has not kept her end of the bargain? (I thought she had kept that but I may have missed something.)
I think that your anger is getting the best of you. You are pissed off at her and it is coming off as being quite unfair to me. She is making an effort to change--it won't be overnight and dramatic; it will be slow and steady. THAT is the basis of true change anyway. Anything else will be a short lived bomb that will fizzle out and go away.
Trust me..she picks up on your seething-just-below-the-surface whether she admits it or not. I have never had to make love to a person who was feeling like that but I would think that it wouldn't be very pleasant.
Anyway, I just wanted to see if you could clearly articulate what has you so upset with her. I find that sometimes I have this intense anger at my situation (me HD, him LD) and have to really examine what is bothering me.
Also, this might be totally off base but I get the feeling that you WANT her to fail. The sooner the better. That way, you can move on with what is "inevitable" in your mind. Is this true?
