Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Toot Alors!

Toots, hope a vet will pass by soon. I'm not really sure what to advise but I wanted to ask if you think you'll have a chance to meet with H? If you do end up re-stating your position on wanting to R, I feel like it would be better said in person.

I think not.

You are in the middle of negotiating your divorce.
Why raise the white flag and tell him in essence
you can walk all over me and that is OK.

Would you do that in the middle of a business transaction?
That is what this is, just business, try to keep all the emotion out of it, IMHO.

Agree with Cadet. If your husband still has feelings for you, he does know where to find you. Best he come back with you in a position of STRENGTH, as that's the only way you're going to get the "what would you need to have in order for me to come back?" remorse and transparency that I'm guessing you would need from him at this point?


Starsky

Thanks Guys - any comments on my draft email at all? It's back over the page now...

Cheers, T x

I thought it was fine, Toots.

Thanks Starsky - I've sent the email now.....okay, time for a glass of wine I think!

Good luck T! And enjoy your wine!

Hi toots. Sounds good to me but a vet is needed. In my humble opinion wait to tell him re your feelings the process is still a month or so away. You need to take time a get the advice you need re R. Stay strong Toots , this is just another chapter in your book. Take care. Rd

Hi Toots (from your timezone nonetheless...but with jet lag).

I see you have sent the email and I think it was well written. Actually I admire your ability to word things so well. Kind but detached.

I have a question for you knowing that you and I similarly have little contact with our H's. What is the harm in saying D is not what you want at this stage? In moving forward with the financial settlement you are sending the message that that D is what you want. But it's not! I get that you need to sort out the financials to protect yourself but it's a shame that has to happen under the guise of "as if". Just wondering if there is a middle ground here, a way to be true to yourself while also protecting yourself financially.

Hi Gan - welcome to our time zone! And thanks for your comments (and your comments too RD!) Gan, as you know, I feel uncertain about this - but I have heard from two vets already - Cadet and Starsky - who don't think I should go there right now....bear in mind I still have no idea if OW (or a new OW even?) is on the scene.

Interestingly, even where we're at, D has never been mentioned. I have no idea why. Whether H feels conflicted, or whether he doesn't want to D, and for him to be 'twice D'd) - IDK. I think he had this picture in his mind that we would informally agree things and go our separate ways.

I feel pretty calm this morning. It's always better once I've made a decision. I think it may unsettle H, as I don't think it fits with his vision of how this would be. So there could well be a negative reaction from him. I figure I'll just stay on a calm path and validate if so. I don't take any pleasure in upsetting his apple cart, but I do have a 'bottom line' in terms of how we deal with separating finances.

I'm bookstore GALing today, which is always nice. We have some great customers, and I'm reading some better crime fiction at the moment as you get recommendations from them. I also need to gather some stuff for my L this weekend. I'm hoping we might be in a position to start the 'financials' process off next week - but that may be optimistic, we'll see...