Thurs Bedtime. Note to Corri: I meant to clarify earlier that she was done with the kitchen yesterday...hence my motivation for the Spa certificate...so she had no reason to feel weird about watching TV, she actually had looked forward to it and was bummed that I had conf call cut into it). When I mentioned her desire to take on another project, I meant that she wants to do the bathroom for another week. You know, while some of this might be what I call "get-everything-perfect" procrastination on her part, I sort of get it. It might be like her doing a 180 to make the house feel new. Maybe a new environment is a stimulus to renew other aspects. Just a thought.
Something I need to repeat to everyone reading this. I was completely emotionally "gone" last year with work and fitness being my passion. This new years, W told ME that she wanted to get her desire back and simply be more physical. This 1 statement drew me back into the relationship because it gave me hope. It then allowed me to open my heart up again and thus be vulnerable and having little practice with these emotions over the past 10 years, I'm making some goofy missteps. But this list has saved me from some big blunders too. What still concerns me is that despite her willingness and initiative, she has rarely ever been able to make lasting changes like exercise programs and diets.
Today was a much better despite the "staring contests" we kept getting into. Sort of her attempt to reinforce the fact that I shouldn't get mental because she doesn't hold eye contact as long as I want. I got a very good passionate kiss tonight. We briefly discussed if my motivation has anything to due with a terminally ill parent who will be lucky to make it through this summer. I think to some degree, it does because this parent told me to take advantage of being young-bodied and to have fun now when you're healthy. There's also the fact that I'm going to really need some expressions of love when the day comes and nurturing the R back into shape before a death is like nesting before a birth. Hmmm...not sure what to think about that. Maybe just sharing my fears will be deposit in the bank...who knows.
One of the metaphors that keeps coming to mind has to do with a sports concept (especially in Cycling) known as "base miles". These are workouts that are just simple, unspecific efforts which don't immediately reveal results. Coaches call this "making a deposit in the bank" for withdrawal later. On the opposite end, a big effort will make you sore, build muscle, speed etc. but it only lasts a few days. Doing base miles makes it easier to do the big efforts and recover quickly. Balancing the two types of effort is ideal. My efforts yesterday where fairly big while all the other things were "base". I consciously knew not to expect anything in return yesterday, but I also wasn't expecting pure frigidity. I think building "base miles" in the relationship with a consistent regimen of little things will eventually pay off. It will also make the big gestures not put me in such a vulnerable position and also make them not seem so contrived.
Dave36, Your sporting metaphor is interesting because it is usual for us guys to set a target and go for it whether that be cycling, running the London marathon or improving our love lives. We get totally focused on it and work really hard to hit that target. We get frustrated when our Ws can't seem to focus with the same enthusiasm. I am coming to realise that for a woman to desire you sexually, you have to stop focusing on the target and look at the wider picture. SD
We put our D6 at a friends house between 4 and 9 pm. Got cleaned up, had wine and cheese while listening to some nice music. Went to a very sexy art-house movie, never stopped holding hands. Had a great passionate kiss afterwards, then went to a very nice dinner. This was probably one of the best dates I've ever had with W. We've both had a fair amount of wine which usually loosens her up a ton. We get home, and she's giving me a very flirty vibe. I shower off and get in bed while she comes out in lingerie. She even notices that I closed the bedroom door. She lies down in the bed and falls asleep with a "thank you for the fun night", but not even a real kiss.
I told myself beforehand to not be bothered if something like this happened which in retrospect, was good preparation. I stayed very calm, didn't roll over to face away from her. I stayed very still while she went to sleep and quietly snuck out of the bed to take a bath and write this.
This is so unbelievably frusterating. I've been making deposits into her tank for the past 3 weeks with 0 love busters committed, all her LLs covered, gifts, attention, etc. I can't believe that on a night like tonight, that I would get this kind of treatment. Is she purposely trying to sabotage our marriage.
Like Corri, I'm running on empty. Actually, I'm using reserve fuel but I'm running with no oil...it's metal-to-metal and the engine is about to seize.
Sh!t, sh!t, Sh!t, Sh!t. This is insane!. I really want to go back to being roommates, and start having affairs with all the HD wives in the neighborhood.
The real test will be tomorrow because it's possible that she had intentions but the wine knocked her out. I hope she recognizes that she did a major rejection to me tonight and starts to realize that she's a f'in bitch and that our days are numbered if she doesn't fix herself. Ok, go ahead and shoot me now...Ilnow those are nasty comments but I'm really just blowing off steam.
There's so much *pain* in that post Dave It's easier said than done, but try really hard not to be angry... it's perfectly fine to feel sad and/or disappointed but try like hell not to let on that you're angry with her.
I'm sorry you had a sh!tty end to a great evening.
Quote: I stayed very still while she went to sleep and quietly snuck out of the bed to take a bath
Why did you even let her head hit the pillow?! Next time you're in this situation, meet her as she comes out, sweep her into your arms, plant a deep passionate kiss that doesn't even allow her to resist, pick her up and carry her to the bed (if possible, otherwise adapt as necessary), and don't LET her fall asleep!
Everything was primed and you both turned passive at the end. Sure, it'll be great down the road when she too will often take the lead in these circumstances. You aren't there yet. Until you've gotten there, you need to take some initiative at the point in this particular evening when the ball got dropped. (How's that for mixing metaphors?)
I, too, am very sorry that this evening didn't end the way it should of. But neither of you attempted to get anything going.
Excellent News!
This morning I awoke to hands rubbing my back, then around to the front. (note: it's still her week so I'm sure we would have ML, but playing with my ___ is just as good as ML and fills the tank up). She whispered "I'm so sorry for falling asleep". I let it go because, looking back, she had a very busy day, it's her "week", she was not feeling great and she had probably 6 glasses of wine throughout the night...despite trying to be flirty with me just before we got into bed, she simply passed out. I sort of suspected this. It's amazing how affection just makes the world seem "rosy". Whew...a perfect example of why it's good to "be cool". What's funny is that last night, I thought about what it would take to let her off the hook, and she did it perfectly.
I didn't need to say anything to her about last night and how hurt I felt...her remorse told me that she "knew". Am I letting her off too easily? Under the circumstances, no, because we had a big "talk" a couple nights before. Secondly, it may seem like she should "flip a switch" like I did...she's probably waiting to see how consistent I am because I'm notorious for getting "really into" something for short periods of time. She might just think that this is my new hobby. I sensing, her trust building up. She's reassuring herself that this is not a hobby and I really think she likes the attention. The date we had was excellent...she's seeing a completely different side of me now...she just has to see that this is her life. I guess I'm trying to get her "hooked on my product". Once she becomes more "vulnerable", she will probably be more motivated. Her guard is slowly dropping with each week. As she does, I will need to be much more responsible to ensure consistency because her "awareness" of my behaviors might increase like it did with me (make sense?).
Tonight, she was wiped out again and was drowsing off during the movie we were watching, I woke her up and put her to bed with a couple minutes of very nice, passionate kissing. I feel good but I just can't get to sleep that early. Every night, I hold her till she goes to sleep before I sneak out to take a bath...this is actually something I've always done to relieve my muscles when training, but I used to let her go to bed alone. Now I don't want a night to go by without being next to her when she goes to sleep.
On a more interesting note.....
I came home from a class I'm taking and W told me there was a surprise on my pillow...It was the little bag with the "52 weeks of naughty nights" cards in it! Note: She actually opted for this versus reading about LD and/or getting counseling....fine with me. . We did rock-paper-scissors where the winner chooses who goes first. I lost, so she picked me to pull the first Man card, scratched it off to reveal our first assignment. Hmmm, I'm not sure if I should spoil it for anyone by talking about this game. (Note to Hairdog, could I get sued for telling what was on these cards?)
SKIP TO AVOID SPOILER
The card asked us to write notes to each other that say what we want to do to each other's (bodypart) with our (bodypart). Like "sucking her earlobe with my tongue". Ok, this didn't seem very "naughty" and I could probably ask to stick my ____ anywhere, but we realized that there's something more interesting about the assignment...how do you give the note, when and where? I'm out of town for this upcoming week...the note could appear in my bag somewhere, or an email or something. It gives me endless possibilities of delivering one to her. I could mail it to her from here so she gets hers in the middle of the week. I could (but I wont) say "I want to wash your car with my sponge". .
SUN NIGHT:
Leaving on biz for a week in DC in 9 hours.
Just set up a series of notes in the house and in W's car. These are each 1-2 verse poems which say nice things, then provide a clue to the next one. Here's an example of a clue that will direct her to her car's glove box.
Grease your wheels and tune-up your mind,
'Cause this is the place for the clue you will find.
In a dark little box contains a book
Of operating instructions...
It's where you should look.
And the note she will find is this....
Today in the car, when you're stopped at a light,
pretend just briefly that we're together at night.
Now, something to remember when making your tea (hint),
You can be a great mom while you still think of me.
This will lead her to look carefully when she makes her nightly tea for another note. Etc.
I will control the pace of this by having a few clues ask W to write me emails with specific subject lines to get the next clues. This way, I can have Friday be the finale where she will get a nice handwritten love letter but it also indulges the game we are playing. Some of these are spicy, some more meaningful. The purpose is to build anticipation of my return. I've already let her know that returning is a "significant" refuel day. Actually, she has tried to honor that for the past 3 trips but my returns each happened in the middle of her "week".
I'm looking forward to this because it's the first time I've been away since my "comprehensive resexification initiative" and I bet she will miss the attention (or possibly be relieved that I'm not overwhelming her with affection, help and attention).
BTW. She's still feeling icky from her "week" but managed to play a little tonight.
Also, I think I found the universal solution to the the LD problem!...I'm going to get banned because Michele won't be able to sell books anymore and all sex therapists will be out of business. Here's what I told W...."Honey, there's a certain amount of "fuel" I need. I can get it by simply talking with you for 2-3 hours OR, if we get physical, it will fill up in about 20 minutes and then I'll shut up. It worked tonight!
Dave: I don't think that revealing what is on the cards will get you sued. Ideas like what was on the card can be found for free all over the Internet...like in The RoMANtic's Guide website.
Man, I know that feeling of frustration you had after your romantic night. I know it all too well. Unfortunately, I don't usually wake up to any gestures or words of apology. And I can totally identify with the preparation you did not to be bummed if nothing happened, and then feeling bummed anyway. It's natural.
I really liked the notes with the clues on them. You are doing everything right! As for her seeing if this just a flash in the pan for you, I bet if you stayed with the message board and saw all the other HD guys with their problems, you'd stay with it. Have a good trip and hurry home to your W!
It's easier said than done, but try really hard not to be angry... it's perfectly fine to feel sad and/or disappointed but try like hell not to let on that you're angry with her.
. We did rock-paper-scissors where the winner chooses who goes first. I lost, so she picked me to pull the first Man card, scratched it off to reveal our first assignment. Hmmm, I'm not sure if I should spoil it for anyone by talking about this game. (Note to Hairdog, could I get sued for telling what was on these cards?)
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