Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy W still having affair with OP #2

Thank you mvgfwd2 for your response and ideas. Did a 180 this evening...W has "caught on" now that I am going out once a week on Wednesdays. I am a person that would hapilly have a pattern or plan ahead of time so changed the day of the week with my friend and am headed out this evening instead of tomorrow evening. Why? Frankly, I have to keep her guessing just a little bit because old me would have just kept going out on Wednesday. Also, I need to learn to not get in such a rut so it reminds me to start doing things different times or in different order etc. just to mix stuff up.

Loving the evenings I am having with D6 even more lately as I find myself a little more relaxed at home lately. Also starting to imagine spring coming around and making a bunch of fun garden and adventure plans in my head as D6 adores being outside with dad and I adore being outside so getting excited for a month or so from now when things start warming up sometimes. The "as if" is almost starting to sink in and I feel myself watching W leave and I don't even cringe or have that eyebrow scowl I try to hide, I just smile and tell her to have a great evening like I could care less whether she is leaving or not.

She is going to do what she is going to do...my job is to improve me for me...

That's good 4m, and I'm with you about spring being just around the corner.

Just one thing on you going out, that para was all about your W and what she may think of a change of plans. Really, GAL is all about you, and you having the kind of life that you want to have going forwards, with or without your W. So best not to GAL and make it all about her 'possible reaction' - best to keep it all about you and you exploring nice things that life may have to offer outside of your M.

Sounds as though you are doing well my friend...

Thanks toots...the hall is indeed a great reminder of life. It was what I thought was a 180 to switch up the days to not be do predictable.

Having a great day off...checking account about down to zero due to w's spending. Preparing myself to have the money conversation...moving paycheck to separate bank and cancelling joint credit cards tomorrow.

Long overdue.

You are correct starsky but better late than never. Ow's bday this weekend...just felt like the right to stand up for myself

This actually detaching thing is beyond not easy. I play a great part when she is around but God it hurts after she leaves again. That is the part I need to figure out next.

Can we talk about the money talk? Actions, not words. I get it. Actions that will be done before talk happens. My direct deposit from work will be moved to my new account and I will have cancelled our joint credit card.

But I have to tell her...so as few as words as possible?

"I have changed the checking account my check goes to and cancelled our joint credit card. Here is your Amex card that is only in your name. Going forward I will be depositing into our joint checking account half of the sum of all bills for the home each month."

The end? She will ask me why... I am trying to think of the right answer and would probably say something like "When you spend our money on your infidelity, I feel taken advantage of. I have therefore taken these actions to protect myself and my money."

It is sort of like a boundary format but after the fact. Thoughts?

I think that's all fine. I'd say "on your affair" instead of "on your infidelity" though.

And you are correct -- there's a difference between words that say "this is the action I decided to take" and words that are before-the-action grand pronouncements. When firewalling one's finances I ALWAYS recommend an after-the-fact telling to the cheating spouse, as you have nothing to be ashamed of and you don't want to look like you're sneaking around doing it.