Hi susana4 - Sorry if I was a little harsh earlier. It tends to happen when something is clear to me and not to others and it's something I need to work on.
It's ok, it did sting a bit but point taken.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
I'm wondering about the place of sex in your M. How long after he first asked you out did you two sleep together? Men can think with their genitals sometimes and it's usually advised to delay sex until you know the other person enough to want their company without the sex.
I made him wait awhile, I'm really not someone to jump into bed quickly. I'll give you the full backstory in case it helps:
H and I met at work. Shortly after we met we shared a drunken kiss and he asked me to come home with him and I said no (I actually got quite offended because I am not the kind of girl that just follows someone home like that).
After that, we just did a lot of flirtatious banter at work. A couple of years passed and he asked me out on a date. I think it was 3 or 4 months into dating when we had sex. I waited until we were "official" and I also asked to get tested even though we were planning to use protection, because I'm very cautious about disease.
Which is not to say he didn't try before then, but I said no, I wanted to wait. When the day finally came that I said I was ready to have sex, he panicked and couldn't, he said "we waited so long I'm nervous and I feel like I'm having sex for the first time, ever, all over again." We did it the next morning though.
Within our R, I had a higher sex drive, but we were fairly matched, and we had a really good sex life IMO. I think the longest we ever went without was a week and a half, when I was on a trip.
Hope that's helpful, and not TMI.
Originally Posted By: Mozza
If you're pulling him back with your sexy bras, is he going to stay for the right reasons? What else about your sparkly personality does he like? What will he miss if he leaves you? Or what 180s will make him reconsider his assessment of you?
Good questions. I guess I'm at a loss on how to re-attract in the non-physical sense. I don't want to just use sex to get him back, at all - not sustainable. I'm just not sure how re-attraction looks on the non-sexual side. What else about your sparkly personality does he like? What will he miss if he leaves you? -My cooking would be a huge thing. (Hence my obsession with limp cucumbers, ha.) Not to sound too full of myself, but the food I prepare is restaurant quality (or according to my H and various friends, it's better than any food they've ever had in a restaurant). I'm a massive foodie, I have a food blog, I've done recipe development for companies and I spend all day reading about food and creating recipes. H specifically said he was VERY attracted to my "passion for food". -My passion, in general - H has always said he was really attracted to how passionate I am. -Kindness (another thing H has always mentioned) -Sense of humour and teasing him - this one's weird to me, H loves being teased -Adventurousness/independence (?) - H is into physical adventure like extreme sports, I'm not, but I'm much more into adventure in terms of travel, I've done a round the world trip on my own and I also moved halfway around the world when I was 20, on my own. H loves travel too (it's one of the first things we connected over on our first dates) but he would never go on his own and has always admired me for doing so. -Creativity - H works in IT and is very analytical, whereas I'm much more into the creative side of things - writing, cooking, photography.
^^These are all things that attracted him to me, but I don't know how to use them to my advantage in re-attracting.
Or what 180s will make him reconsider his assessment of you? 180s I've been working on (some based on things he said that stung, some based on my own assessment of myself): -Being less reactive and angry in disagreements - taking time to calm down before speaking (avoiding arguments) -Stop criticising and give praise/gratitude instead -Stop fixing things, and don't give advice -No filling conversational gaps
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Originally Posted By: susana4
I think you are right about me confusing re-attraction with pleasing. I'm still not really sure I get the difference! Is it about not caring what he thinks?
I think you're confusing attraction within and outside of a relationship. Think of it that way: if a random colleagues comes to you and says that he has cooked this lunch for you and also bought you this CD that you'll certainly love considering your likes on Facebook and that he'd like to take you to a show of the band you mentioned in Twitter, how will you feel about him? I'll venture a little creeped out. Now if your husband does the same thing? You'll be head over heels. It's because your mutual love makes it reasonable to make those efforts. But for the colleagues, the lack of reciprocation make it weird for someone to care that much.
Outside of a relationship, the girl at the bar who's flashing me a smile and then turning to her friends is attractive. The girl at the social event who's funny and passionate is attractive. They're mysterious; they're a target for the hunter. I want their attention on me before someone else gets it. The girl who showers me with interest and does all kinds of things to please me is not nearly as attractive.
Train gave you great advice, but hopefully this also helps a little.
Ahhhhhh, ok I get what you're saying! Yes, I was definitely not thinking of attraction inside and outside a relationship. Thank you.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
But I also just realised because H does the laundry, he will know if I've bought sexy new underwear, except he doesn't get to see it on me, he just gets to wash it.
LMAO! Okay, the "he just gets to wash it" comment just about made me pee myself.
But yes! This is exactly what I'm talking about. YOU get the confidence boost *and* you drop a SUBTLE hint to H about what he's missing out on. As you said: leave the new lingerie in the hamper, but DO NOT tell him about shopping for it or having new things. Let him stumble upon it. Let HIM start to wonder about YOU.
I'd never recommend that you go *out of your way* to imply that you're "seeing" someone else or ANYTHING of that nature. But to add an aura of mystery to you? That's a DB rule! Run with it!
Here's the thing, susana: I know when we all first land here, we don't feel sexy or wanted. But (and here's where I'm thinking, as I wrote earlier, I *do* think our sitches cross) you're sitting in a position where H is clearly, in many ways, still attracted to you. We're going to hammer on ways you can really hang onto that and use it to your M's advantage.
RUN from being clingy or needy or even giving off the *appearance* of it. Your H needs to see you being light and breezy and a little flirty then - get this - largely UNAVAILABLE.
Thanks so much Train for taking the time to explain all of this to me. I keep thinking about your "flip the script" comment - that is brilliant.
Right after BD, I definitely felt very unsexy and unwanted and didn't bother to look nice. In the last month and a half, I've been dressing up more and it's given me a big confidence boost, at least when I'm out of the house I feel good, and I get asked out, but when I'm at home with H it's a different story. I just end up alternating between thinking "WHY doesn't this man want me?!" and "freaking idiot, how can he not want to be with me, I deserve better"
Thinking about it, it's at times when I've been thinking the latter that he's been most attracted to me. Hmmm.
I've definitely been missing the unavailable part. I've been GAL-ing a lot but I can see when I'm home my energy/focus is turned towards H far too much.
Originally Posted By: Train
Right, so, I think I'm understanding now. Like...teasing? "This is what you can't have". Yes. Sort of. But - and I know this is so confusing - it isn't exactly to get a rise or a reaction out of him. It's more to make YOU feel better, and more confident, about yourself. And THAT is what's likely going to get a rise and a reaction out of him. Does that make sense at all?
Ha. This is confusing! To make matters even more confusing, I can see how getting a rise out of him, and then walking away, would boost my confidence. (Maybe it all feeds into each other?)
Originally Posted By: Train
I think I did this over Xmas, is this on the right track? Over Xmas we were visiting my family and H and i were sharing close quarters. I'd sometimes "accidentally" be standing there in my bra when he came into the bathroom. He'd get..um...excited, and then I'd leave the room. I told my friend "this is great, it's like when you know you're going to see an ex at a party so you buy a sexy dress to make them jealous, except I get to do it every. single. day." Yes. Exactly. If you can get back into the mindset of seeing an ex at a party, and all the ways you'd prepare for that, you're EXACTLY on the right track.
Now keep in mind, it doesn't ALL have to be sexual. In fact, it shouldn't be. The idea to make all the snacks the other day, get everything set up and wish H a good time then waltz out and GAL yourself? Beautiful. But don't backslide into your old ways of being clingy and pursuing ... ESPECIALLY once you have momentum. Keep going!
This isn't to be mean to your H. This is to make you feel better about yourself. And THAT will most likely re-attract him. And you MUST re-attract him before you ever think of reconciliation.
I think you're getting ready to knock some socks off. Just stay consistent.
Alrighty.
I can get into the seeing an ex at the party mindset. Just need to work on the non-sexual aspect.
And, this is going to sound weird, but I seem to only have 2 modes right now: clingy and cold. I really need to find that middle ground.
Just to take a small moment as an example, and let me preface this by saying I know no single thing makes or breaks a sitch so I don't actually think this matters, I'm just curious how I could have handled it: Last night as I passed H in the hall, he reached out and stroked my cheek and said "ooh, the face mask worked, so soft". I made a joke and he laughed and I walked into the other room, but I think it probably could have been an opportunity to make a flirtatious comment and then leave.
Sorry, about to get a little rambling here, but I keep thinking I don't know how to attract or re-attract, because I didn't really attract H in the first place, at least not consciously. I was just me, and that attracted him. But I don't think I put any effort in. But then I suppose that's what I should be doing now (just need to find me again), because if he isn't attracted to *me*, I don't want to be with him. I guess it's all a matter of finding myself again, and my confidence. Does that make sense?
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Good insights about your clingy/cold. Keep searching!
I love the ex at a party frame of reference too. Make the most of every interaction, but that means less is more sometimes. You at your best is what will re-attract.
IMO, these boards are helpful bc people will help hold the mirror up and call it like they see it. They're invaluable for the mirrors that get held up bc sometimes we're too close to see. The salad thing - of course you can explain (bc it made sense to you at the time) but maybe it's worth doing a little meditation, taking a day to think about 'smothering' and the whole spectrum of how that may have presented in the past? What forms it takes. And why, what is the root of it?
Here's a guess - anxiety is fear, right? Whether criticism or not, sounds like you're trying to control a lot about how he feels, what he thinks.
Devils advocate against the flood above - what you were doing is working to an extent. Think of where you were a month ago. Don't forget that! But I think you were in a stronger place before you rattled yourself. You made the most of opportunities you had with him and left him alone otherwise (I believe)?
Maybe in the hallway, that gesture could have lead to more, who knows. And I think it just comes down to doing what drew you guys to each other before you were married, just before he was sure of being into you. You probably made him work a bit, right?
If little games and SUPER nice texts, you and H taking care of each other, were your thing prior to your M, during happy spots...who are we to say it's too much? Idk what your 'thing' was with your H. You do! But if it all in fact IS over the top, and isn't ex at the party, or you 'dating'...there ya go
I'm a sports coach. One of the best analogies that float around in our sport -You have this puppy. You love it. You can hold it. You hold on too tight, you're gonna choke the life out of it. Hold gently. (Puppy = r)
Sounds like you are due for a break. One day of DB and H free thoughts!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks Z. Lots to think about there... But I think you are right in that I need a break right now. I'm going to take the rest of the day free from thoughts of DB or H.
I'll have a think/meditate on some of the other points you raised (smothering/clinginess/our vibe before our M) after I've had my time out.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Easy does it. You wanted more when your H made the "ooh...your cheek is soft" comment. Just let it be. You joked with H and he laughed. That is a very good thing to leave in his mind. Light and breezy.
You need to do more of this.
Idea...for this weekend.
Why don't you and your GFs out for the night.
Then dress up the nines! Lipstick, dress, the whole works. Smile at H, "Ta ta...I'm off. Will be back home late tonight" then do the hip swish as you swivel around to head out of the front door.
Feel like I've been through the wringer this morning.
I took yesterday off. A few thoughts of H and the sitch snuck into my head but mostly I managed to keep them at bay.
I went round my friend's new house for dinner which was lovely. Partway through the evening I got a text from a friend, let's call him B, that said he'd been having suicidal thoughts all day.
I immediately started phoning B, who didn't pick up for 20 panicky minutes.
B was ok for last night but I'm worried about him, especially since he's refusing to speak to his doctor or anyone else.
I'll probably go down and see him Friday afternoon, maybe stay for part of the weekend.
When it rains, it pours.
Both my grandmother and grandfather have been quite ill this year, and in and out of hospital, but I can't see them because they live thousands of miles away on another continent.
Earlier this year I found out one of my friends has cancer. He's only 26. I was at the hospital at the weekend with him while he was getting chemo.
Feeling really low this morning and I just wish that someone could hold me while I cried, but I can't even talk to H or tell him about any of this. Faking PMA all the time wears old sometimes.
I have some thoughts on some topics like clingy/cold; will post them in a little bit though.
Last edited by susana4; 02/25/1510:32 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I've had some time to think about some of the questions posed here in the last few days. Lots to think about.
First thing was why and whether I want to save my M, when there are no kids involved and we haven't been together that long.
This is something I have questioned at various times.
I take my commitments very seriously. And I don't want to have regrets. So for that reason, I feel I can't just walk away.
I also know that H is a good guy in many ways, and that we are well suited to each other.
OTOH, I don't know if I could trust him again. I don't know how I can look at someone that walked away so quickly and easily, and trust that he'd stay with me.
But mainly, I believe our problems are a product of our childhood problems, and I think that we will never heal those issues, unless we address them. Sometimes I actually think addressing these issues matters to me more than whether a reconciliation works out in the end. I just think we will continue to carry that baggage to any future relationships. I have addressed many/most of my childhood problems as an individual in IC, but I didn't realise until now how these problems come up in a relationship and that's a different beast.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
