Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

Damn. First W was its up to me, then she said she wanted to go to a friend after work watch the bachelor so it's not the best day maybe.

I told aunt, W busy at work and has plans after. Aunt "if only she has plans why don't you come over?" ...I don't know what to do or say now

Can you go over for supper and just enjoy the company but not answer questions about r?

Absolutely could. What if they ask tho bc my mom told them (I actually don't really think that bc my mom would probably have told me)
Is it ok to just say "hm, things are a bit rough right now, but I don't really want to talk about it right now out of respect to W, but maybe she can tell you if she wants to". ???

Prefect...with the first part. Wouldn't even say the last about asking w.

Yes I don't want to sound encouraging asking her. More like saying that it's up to her telling them anything.
But I guess I can leave it with the first part.

OK BAD NEXT STEP IN MY SITCH:

W wants me to take her car for an oil change. I go check her car and the navigation map is asking for a pin. Looks weird bc it never did that. So I suspect W knew I'll take the car and locked it so I can't see the history.
I go and ask, why is this off and asking for pin, you don't want me to see where you have been?

She completely freaks out that I accused her for that. I stay calm during the whole discussion. I try to calm her down. She was incredibly upset that I accuse her of things. Showed me evidence that I'm wrong and where she has been recently and not with OM. I feel like sht. She freaks out more, grabs my Greencard paperwork and starts filling out. She tells me she can't live with me like this me accusing her, stressing her out. Now I look like the big idiot who is a freak making assumptions, not letting her live her life, pressuring her.
Partly true but I got so much better about things. She sees a weak crazy guy in me. And yes I feel like [censored] right now and really tried to not say too much and stay calm and I did. But it's all my mistake for not letting it go and doing my own thing, letting her life the life she wants.
I failed DBing feels like. I'm so down right now. Maybe it was inevitable. But I hit rock bottom AGAIN! And she hit rock bottom annoyance again that now led her to the next step towards divorce. I screwed up once again and W is just so annoyed she just wants out so bad. God I hate hate hate my life. How do I FKN deserve this????????
And now the worst part:

She took off to tell her dad that she will divorce me.
Wtf!?!?!????

Help!

Sorry lots to read - thanks to everyone who will take time to read and respond:

It's like she was just subconsciously waiting for me to make another mistake, as validation, so she can put the next/last nail in our coffin and have a reason to freak out. She even told me she can't tolerate me abusing her anymore..it's just crazy. While I'm just sitting there trying to calm her down and being as calm as I can be. But whatever I do, she's on it. Until she puts her hand in her face like she's completely frustrated. She looks at me like she 'hates' me. Like she wants to get away from me so badly. It's such a weird feeling. Her view of me is so set, so bad, so determined. Nothing changed.
And if I want to calm her down trying to have a normal conversation she's accusing me of being unreasonable and angry. Then she starts completely ignoring me. I calmly try to explain to her that what we are doing isn't right and that by ignoring she is causing the opposite effect of what she wants to achieve. And then she achieves what she probably wants, I get mad. I used to slam doors in the past but now I have myself under better control, but she just keeps poking and poking. She's an ugly fighter and I got out of line with my words a bit. I still can't let it go completely when she's like that but I think I made some progress dealing with it. But in the heat I just told her she is the one abusing me and "just D me then if that's what you desire"...and you know what guys at this point I just can't imagine her changing for me or anyone to make a marriage work. She doesn't have that in her. She's helping ppl through her job day in and day out, and there's no energy left for unconditional love and hard work to make a marriage work. She's a giver in her job with a big heart. But she doesn't have much to give in a R. At least not in ours. She never did. And as long as that won't change...it's better we go separate ways. But it's not my decision bc I have/had the desire to change, to try and make this work. To try everything before I give up on a M. Bc that is very important to me. I want to know I did everything, because I take marriage more serious than I ever did anything else and if it's not supposed to be I at least want to be in peace with myself.
In the end I just told her if we want to have this amicable, we have to get professional help to work on our communication bc I cannot accept the way we are talking to each other anymore. Maybe I should enforce that boundary and make her seek professional help in communicating with me. Because I am not going to cooperate in the D if communication isn't fixed. As long as this anger and grief is between us, I don't see myself cooperating at all. I'm really afraid this is going to turn into a battle, but I'm not going that way. She can do whatever while I gotta protect myself but I'm not letting myself push into a D battle. We will probably be bankrupt by the end of the year. Funny she was the one who absolutely didn't want a marriage contract. In Germany that's a more common thing so I asked her before the wedding. She almost got mad at me for just mentioning it.

I don't want to blame the meds but since I take them I'm back to square one with my feelings, it's like day 1 after EA BD in January. Not good!!! Part of this 'escalation' IS the meds fault. Maybe I should lock myself in with NC until it's better.

This is a very very hard time in my sitch and I appreciate your help and advice more than ever...although I gained so much knowledge here by now, I probably know already what the right thing to do is but my fog is thick right now. At least I feel better now and the anxiety from the meds is gone at night.
All in all I'm just plainly mad at W right now how things went down. Disrespectful immature BS. I'm not like that! I need to get away from this crap.

Hey Complex

Not sure what i can say here to help but ill try. Its seem you are really struggling to detach yourself from thinking about what your wife is doing all the time. You have to stop that. You have to stop or you will make yourself ill.
Now im not on any meds so i dont what affect they have on you so cant really comment. Is there no way you can just get away for at least a few days? Friends, family back to Germany? Having people around you who will support you will really help. I talk to my Dad, mum and friends at work. They're all no doubt sick of me going on but it is good to get it out.
At the minute you are just projecting your anger onto her and accusing her of doing things that you arent sure about. Even if you are sure, SAY NOTHING. she doesnt want to hear it and certainly not from you. The more you try to reason or calm her down the more upset she will become.
You have to admit to yourself that the marriage you had is over. You have to move on with your life. If she wants to work it out then she will but right now seems pretty clear she doesnt and no amount of begging,pleading getting angry or any other needy behaviour is going to change that.
Why would you want a messy divorce? fighting her in a divorce wont help anything. Im not saying you give in to all her demands and dont get what you are fairly entitled to but why woud you want a war?
She is at where she is at for her own reasons. You have to accept that. If she wants to reconcile she will if she doesnt she wont. you cant force her.
Be the better man. The man ony a fool would leaave as 25 says. At the moment it doesnt come across like that. you are coming across as desperate.

Its tough. I know.
Take some small mercy from this and be thankful there are no children involved. At some point over the next week i have got to tell my D8 that her life as she knows it will never be the same again.
Take control of your own life. At the moment it seems your energy is being wasted by trying to take control of your wifes.

come on you can do this!

I don't want to screw you up with bad advice complex so I will just tell you...hugs and hang in there

The baby is almost done nursing so my time to reply to you is limited......

Ask your Dr about Ativan.... just to take as needed. I was on this as well as an anti depressant right after bd.... I was pregnant so I was on a very low dose. But I have to tell you the Ativan was wonderful for immediate freak outs.