Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Susana (5) - Stay the Night

Second guessing myself a little here... It's ok to start a lighthearted text convo right? Generally I haven't been initiating any text conversations because I was worried it's pursuit, but in the last week H has been texting me occasionally, usually to thank me for his lunch/compliment my cooking.

This morning I told H we were going to play a game of "spot the difference" between last night's dinner and today's leftover lunch. He didn't say anything so I texted a bit ago to ask:

Me: Did you spot the difference in your lunch? (It's like that kids game)
H: Haha, I forgot to check actually. And I have not idea! It was bloody lovely though. Thank you
Me: Haha it wasn't a major difference. Last night it was with carrots and cucumber, but the cucumber doesn't transport as well so I left it out. And added green onions and bok choy instead because I thought you'd like those. you're welcome, glad you enjoyed it!
H: I did love them and I noticed that they were there. Just didn't remember that they weren't there last night! Thank you it was lovely
Me: Good, glad you loved it! hope you are having a nice day, enjoy your dinner tonight

As long as it's lighthearted, is it ok/not pursuit?

Ok, I've realised I'm driving myself crazy with second guessing. ^^^

Need to just breathe.

I haven't been to yoga class in awhile. I need to get back to it.

My spa night could not be coming at a better time!

Sure.

All looks good, as long as this stuff is balanced I think. In Terms of reaching out.

Going to run an idea by you-

Try going a day without any love bank deposits (as you put it) or being first to reach out to him? Especially since you've really left things on several good notes. Just to see what happens, if he comes toward you in any little way. By all means, walk past looking great, happy, but turn your focus and energies away from him. Thus giving him space to realize he might miss your co a bit.

Every step they take toward us is 3x more powerful in shifting the dynamic than one they happily receive from us. I think they know it which is why there's sometimes hissing, internal conflict, pullback. Until there isn't.

I get the sense you are dangerously close to trying too hard

PS, thank you for all of your support too in my world of driving myself crazy.

Agree with Zelda here. Reading your post-sex posts this weekend Susana exhausted me, just as a guy, and I guarantee your husband is feeling some of this same "smothering." HE WAS HORNY -- HE'S ATTRACTED TO YOU. YOU GUYS HAD SEX. Try not to over-analyze it. Us men really are simple creatures.

Even your lunch thing, I would feel (again, trying to put myself in his shoes since you have mostly women posting on your thread), like this was some sort of TEST, rather than the "light and breezy" that Wonka and others are trying to get you to shoot for.

Leave him be, and see how he responds.


Starsky

Thank you for saying this, Starsky, I've been wanting to say it for days. Susana, my H and I continued to sleep together and ML for 7 months after BD, until the day he moved out. It obviously meant nothing to him, he moved out anyway. And I knew it didn't all along, but I was happy with the arrangement, sometimes women are simple creatures, too. Don't drive yourself crazy that it has to mean something.

Gah, I just got off the phone with my DB coach and she said I *should* suggest another activity to H, because "do what works".

But, she did say not too much at once, so I will leave it a few days. In the meantime, I am planning to pull back. I need it to not go crazy anyway. (Any time, dear Z, we'll try and keep each other from going crazy ;))

Starsky - what about the text made you as a man think it could be a "test"? I honestly did think it was lighthearted, so I'm interested in a man's perspective on it.

Well, instead of just a "hope you enjoy your lunch!" it was instead "Let's play can you notice what's different about it?" Just felt like a "gotcha" thing to me, like "let's see if you're noticing the nice things I'm doing for you!"

Here's my blunt man perspective on it: it was not lighthearted, it was over the top. Setting up a quiz about the carrots and bok choy then texting me about it when I just go about eating lunch? Like it's that important? And you adding that you took all this time to cook something else? Gosh, give me some space. Put the cucumbers in there and move on to something important, I'm embarrassed you took this much time just to make sure I don't put a tooth in a mushy cucumber. You're certainly not playing hard to get.

Remember that you might spend hours holding back from contacting him, but it doesn't feel that way to him. As I told someone else on these boards (jim0987?), imagine a coworker is normal around you, but blows you a kiss once a day. Will you think he's 99% normal? You'll think he's a creep all the time. So these little things you do that are too much are what stick with him. You need to be very patient to give him the space to experience the distance and the space you're trying to create.


That is an excellent question for all of us here, but it's especially relevant in your situation for the reasons that you listed. Vets like Starsky309 have said here that they wouldn't have pursued if they didn't have a long relationship and kids with the WAS. I'd say that I'd be working much harder to get over my WAW if we didn't have nearly 10 years and two kids together. So, this guy who's running away after 1 year of marriage, is he the one with whom you want to spend the next 50 years your life expectancy gives you? Will he be there for you? Will you feel secure? Is he really that irreplaceable? The answer is yours.

Susana,

Remember to treat H like a new boyfriend that you've just met and getting to know each other?! Follow this axiom and you should be fine.

As for the DB coach's advice, I think it is good. For now, you need to really just leave H be like Starsky said earlier. Can you go the whole week without any contact with H? That is the real test of your.

Easy does it, girlfriend!

I'm sure many people have thought about length of marriage and is it worth pursuing. I have two little boys who I worry that their world will be rocked upside down and that is why I am trying to stick this out and exhaust every option. If I were childless, it would be easy to walk away, but I have to look at the big picture. I think that keeps a lot of us hanging on.