Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need some advice please

Everything that you have mentioned has been what I have felt over the past 10 months. I have felt alot of hurt inside also. The thought of her talking to these men like that hurts me inside. We used to talk dirty to each other. Yes I am a tad jealous that these guys are getting all this attention and I have not had sex with my wife since September. I know the phone thing is different. But it hurts me. I have never had to deal with jealous feelings with my wife before all this. Since we have been together nothing ever came up for me to feel jealous about. We were very happy together. She told me so many times how glad she was that I was not like this person's husband and that I was a good father and husband.

Okay. Thank You.

Elaborate please.

You need to know what you are feeling in order to tackle it.

I feel hurt that she says these things to other men for money. I feel jealous because she talks about sex on the phone with other men and does not make love with me anymore. I fear that our love making will never be the same because of her conversations on the phone. I am angry sometimes that she doesn't see how this is causing such a problem between us. I feel hurt because she doesn't see how much this is hurting me. I feel scared because this is not the person I knew or thought I knew.

My behavior in our marriage before was not romancing my wife enough. Not showing her love and affection. I am studying the detaching and going dark stuff. But for me, doing a 180 would be doing little things once in awhile to show her I love her. Hugging her more often. Leaving nice notes once in awhile telling her what a great person she is. Little things like that. But I believe I need to be careful if I go that route and not over do it. I am giving her space so she can deal with her things. I am having a better time dealing with mine also. Any advice on detaching and doing a 180 for me without doing more of the same as what I used to do?

Oh Man, Joe i feel your pain. My situation is VERY similar, and i've been going through some of the same thoughts/emotions.

Mine was as an entrepreneur, just putting too much energy into trying to make my career successful, and hence i neglected saying all the things i felt, spending more time (even though i REALLY wanted to) and the biggest one, not going to bed with her overnight (in fact if i made it to bed with her once a weeks it was a miracle).

I'm rooting for you, i know well the feeling!

My other problem was I did not think she wanted me to do all those things. She seemed like she was happy and wanted the rough and rugged man that I was. I have learned that I did not speak her Love Language!
I should have spent more time seeing what she liked and what made her feel loved. I can be very romantic. But I assumed she did not like that.

You know what I keep noticing, most of us are about the same age going through these issues!! There should have been a manual handed to all of us on our wedding day that warned us of this time during our marriage!! LOL!!

Joe, sorry, i realized i didn't mention what i thought could help.

Play the long tail game. Mention little things over the next few days, week, 2 weeks. Different times of the day, different positive things you see about her that you think, but don't voice. Don't go overboard, just once, twice a day.

Her appearance, something she's doing she always/never does, little things only, and build up from there.

I've been doing that the past few days, and at first it wasn't even noticed, but each subsequent time i felt a softening, again, keeping it REALLY light.

Progress by inches, not by miles as they say.

Great idea! I have been kinda doing that now. Just little things once in awhile. Things I have never done before to make her feel special.