Well, it's been a while since I last posted, so here I am. I pop on to check up on everyone and find it so depressing, so, I have been forcing myself to limit my reading. I recently finished reading Dr. Laura's new book on "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands", and recommend it to any woman. I didn't really learn anything from it, but it was a good read nonetheless. You need not be a Dr. Laura fan to enjoy it, IMHO.
I'm now reading "I Know I'm in There Somewhere" by Helene G. Brenner. It's a self acceptance/guide to finding your inner voice.
It's been a stressful few weeks around our household. Glenn has been sleeping in our spare bedroom which has helped me, but I feel like I should be the one in the spare room. The only reason why it's not me is because our DS1.5 wakes up and crawls in to snuggle with me and would panic if I wasn't there. Glenn was in overdrive being the perfect husband and trying like hell to meet my needs; he was romancing me with flowers, candlelit dinner, love emails, jumping on any displays of happiness as progress. I was feeling overwhelmed and voiced that in our therapy session on Friday. The questions and flow of the session, not to mention feeling a bit PMSy, backed me into a corner and rather than explaining my need for Glenn to back off on the superH approach, I told them no matter what he does, it's not going to work. This is where things got a little out of control. Glenn suggested I go stay at a friend's for a few weeks to figure out what I was doing because he didn't know who I was anymore and feared I didn't either. He said it is too painful and torturous to live with me knowing that as soon as I find a job, I'd be gone. I took this as him kicking me out. It was a very quiet, stressful day afterwards with him spending the most part of the evening at his brother's while I was seeking advice from friends. Everyone was telling me not to leave because that could be considered abandonment.
On Saturday, we discussed everything and realized our misunderstandings. I explained that I don't feel as if I need a break to think things over but need him to stop his superH role and give me some space. I also explained that my need for employment wasn't based on leaving, but on contributing to the household and our debts. I always was an independent gal and being so dependent on him has been difficult. I reassured him that my working would not make me resentful, even though that was what I feared not so long ago. I wish I could set some sort of timeline for this, but I just can't. I have so many issues to work out before I can even begin to be a wife/lover again. Since that conversation our household has been much more peaceful and comfortable.
Glenn mentioned how uneasy he was that I hadn't posted, because I tend to express myself more candidly on here... so I'll try to keep that in mind while putting more effort into our "face-to-face" communications.
I hope you both understand that you are on the brink of having the most incredible relationship the two of you could ever imagine having.
Trust yourselves. Trust one another. It's going to hurt a bit, and it's going to be a bit bumpy for awhile, but if you learn to deal with truth without making your partner 'pay' for it, you've got the best shot of making it that you could ever have hoped for.
Lastnight, H wanted to talk about our relationship and how I was feeling about everything. He told me I've disconnected and it feels as if there are three people in our relationship. He brought up a past lover and asked if I had contacted him. I told him that I had a few weeks ago via email. He asked me how he was and I told him that he's fine and that he's involved with someone. He then confronted me on my photos of him. I had taken them out of my photo album and put them away. Last week, I scanned them for the OM and forgot to remove the file from the computer. He feels deceived that I removed them from my album only to hide them.
This OM lives in a different province and is in a relationship. H is jealous and insecure about any contact I have with OM because he was my first love. He has made it crystal clear over the years that he does not like this guy and doesn't understand how I could ever have loved him or connected with him the way I did. I've tried to explain that he will always hold a place in my heart, but the contact was friendly and just out of curiosity. We emailed a few times and are friends, but nothing more. Is this considered an EA? In all honesty, I just asked him what he had been up to the past 11 years. He replied, filling me in, apologized for breaking my heart, explained the past from his POV and that's it... end of story.
H wants to start working on the marriage and doesn't seem to understand that I'm not ready to yet. I'm still sorting myself out and trying to work through my own issues first.
Pam! Great to see you. I was just thinking about you earlier today, and wondering how things are going for you. I don't know to what extent you've been lurking here lately, but you almost can't help but trip over the buzz being created by a book called Passionate Marriage. In the past week there've been a storm of posts on many aspects of it. I've read the whole book, and am about to begin putting it into action. The thought that occurred to me in regards to your sitch was something you posted a while ago about needing to be true to yourself, and not being sure you could do that in relation to your M. The reason I thought of you in that context is that this book deals with EXACTLY that - how each partner in a marriage can be true to themSELVES, while giving the other the room for growth and exploration of potential. It excited me greatly to see the possibilities. I'm not proseletizing here... what you do is up to you, I'm just putting a possibility in front of you.
Dr. Laura has it in her "The 10 Stupid Things That Women Do". Both husbands and wifes should discontinue any relationship with old loves. It will only cause grief in marriages. I also saw a book about EA that says that women think that they can carry on a platonic relationship with male friends, but that something like 70% of the men in "Platonic" relationships try to make them "Physical" relationships at some point. Why risk your marriage? Why do you need this other guy in your life? I know how it feels, my wife also keeps contact with her ex lover. I know how men operate, and it will always eventually get to sex. Now if you are communicating with OM in a way that should be between you and your husband, then yes, you are having an EA with the OM. Honestly, what is it going to get you besides trouble?
Hey folks! It's been a while. I have lurked from time to time and read a few posts, but mostly tried to avoid the board for a while as I tried to figure out what I was doing. I did have a brief (long distance) EA, but it's been over for a while now. I had a scare back in May - June and it seemed as if I was having some kind of medical setback due to stress. Thankfully I was treated and I've recovered. I'm now just trying to fight fatigue and start jobhunting again. H was wonderfully supportive, accompanying me on hospital visits, tests, and provided many foot massages.
H has been in the spare bedroom now since Spring and a few evenings ago, I asked him if he'd like to return to our bedroom. I pointed out that he could not pressure me to be sexual and that I'm a little uneasy about the fact that I am such a deep sleeper that I don't fully trust him not to take advantage of sharing a bed.
Part of this apprehension is due to some of the foot massages he gave me left me feeling a bit uncomfortable. He'd kiss my feet and legs and sometimes work his way up my thighs to the point that I'd get up and move away. I am aware that this is an obvious problem that I need to work on and have been addressing it in therapy. I tend to overlook my own feelings and consider others feelings before mine, this is why it was easier to move away from being uncomfortable rather than verbally saying so to my H. This is a huge factor in what started our SSM, I believe.
He told me he'd stay downstairs a little longer because he didn't want me to be uncertain. Last night, (the next day) he asked me if I had given it any more thought and seemed disappointed that I wasn't giving him a direct invitation.
I know I am still not ready to dive back into a sexual relationship, so is sharing our bed a mistake at this point? Should we remain in seperate bedrooms until I want to be sexual??
Wow, Pam, that's a tough one. Not the best day to post, as it's slow due to the holiday, and some of the best advice-givers don't hang here much anymore, having acquired a life and decided to live it.
It sounds to me like fusion and trust are still very big issues at your house, and it was probably premature to sound H out about sharing a bed. He gets points for offering to stay put "a little longer", but then loses them for apparently thinking one day met the criteria. It also sounds to me like by offering him a shared bed, but then waffling due to the sexual issues, that you're sending mixed messages. But then your sitch is complex, and there aren't any easy answers. Sounds like you still need some space to deal with the issues around whether you can trust him enough to become sexual with him again...
