Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers barely holding on - 7

I think the emotion is real, and she sounds like she may be reaching the second stage of what I call "the four stages of remorse." The emotion is probably real, but the contrition and remorse isn't there yet. I don't think she sees yet the damage she has caused to you, nor even to herself with her destructive decision to allow OM into your marriage.

But maybe she's getting there . . . time will tell.


Starsky


from my personal archives:



Stages of Remorse:

I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."

Thanks for this explanation - I will be patient.
She did text me after she left-

Can we make it work? Is it too late?

I texted back - W. I do not think it is too late.

I want to say more but don't want to over do it

Starsky -you seem to know what's going on with my situation more than I do sometimes. Thank you.

She may only be thinking of herself right now and how she let herself down. Last night she did talk to me a little about this and said "I felt strong today and I realize that I have not been. I have let myself down".

She has started working at the new facility and this is hopefully going to help her focus her attention on new things. There is a lot of responsibility there and may not be the free-for-all as it seemed to be at the old facility.

She is indicating that she wants to make us work. She asked again if we can - and I told her it will take work from both of us. she agreed.

I said that I want to do this the right way - she agreed.

I am nervous about all of this - it has been what I wanting, BUT just as I feel like I am finally functioning again (at least at an 85% level). I feel good about myself, I am happy and busy, my clients are trusting me again, I am working well, I am enjoying teaching again, I am not depressed or emotional, My kids see me functioning and I can actually visualize myself moving on without her and being just fine.

I don't want this to be fake and I don't want to be broken again.

Has she agreed to complete no-contact with OM (send him a letter, with you approving it and mailing it) and full transparency with you?

How about MCing, with a counselor specifically trained to deal with infidelity?

Anything else on your "short list" of core "dealbreakers" that I'm SURE you've been thinking about these past 10 months?

Now would be the time.


Starsky

Do you think now is the time?

What was it that tipped you off? Was it the way I said "now would be the time" ?

The LAST thing you want to do is allow her back in too quickly and easily. Better to stall with a "Hmmmm, I'm not sure HOW I feel about that anymore," or a "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore" than to allow her back without any boundaries and full transparency in place.

In two months, I will celebrate 11 years on this forum, dating back to 2004 when I was "Chocolateeyes." Between that username, then "Puppy Dog Tails" and now the Starsky one, I think I have over 25,000 posts.

Why do I bring that up?

To say that in all of my time here, the #1 mistake I see betrayed spouses make is allowing their wayward spouses back too easily. Most of them end up washing right back up on the same old beach in due time, some sooner ... some later.

There is no hurry, u-t; the only reason I was expressing urgency is so that you wouldn't AGREE to anything yet, since she's now brought this up two or three time.

Now is the team for deep gut-searching. Determine NOW what you want and need in the marital relationship going forward, paying close attention to the betrayal and to your own contributions to the conditions that led to it.

You only get one crack at this.


Starsky

Starsky is 100% correct, I let my XW back too easily and 7 yrs later I washed up on the same beach. Unlike Starsky, I left the DB forum when I thought I had succeeded and stopped my IC.

Jbird (previously JDD from 2004 - 07)

"What was it that tipped you off? Was it the way I said "now would be the time" ? ;)"

Well now, that showed a little lack of thoroughness.