I've been feeling kinda blue the past few days. We had our first joint session with our sex therapist yesterday and at first it felt a bit awkward. We both had a difficult time answering her when she asked how we've been. H answered, "Not bad" so when she looked at me, I offered that I haven't turned H down for sex. I've made a conscious effort to go to bed each night, fully prepared to ML and initiate much more often. I've also been more affectionate outside of the bedroom to reassure him of my love. I just have been feeling so hopeless. I'm afraid resentment is building and I need to get out this mindset.
Just before we had our second (and last) baby, we went over our finances and agreed that I could stay home with the kids until they started school. After listening to Dr Laura stress the importance of staying home for your kids, I was determined to "do the right thing" and made every attempt to keep expenses low. I even tried to get my home based business (graphic and web design) going again and managed to make a bit of money, but it's difficult to work while you're refereeing toddlers! I went through a phase (and it was at the height of our SSM) where I was going to bed at 2am. We had discussed that maybe I should find a part time job just as a break from the monotony of being at home. That has now become the focus of our discussions except now, I am being encouraged (or urged) to find work to help with the finances.
We've had problems communicating difficult issues to one another. I tend to bring up my issues, and H usually hears me out, agrees or discusses them with me but they don't always get resolved. For example, last summer we agreed to help out H's cousin. He was going to live with us for a month or two until he found a place for him and his son to live. One month had passed and I noticed the cousin, let's call him Steve, seemed rather comfortable with the situation of me being at home, watching his kid and cooking. A few times, especially on Fridays, Steve would show up after 8pm. I explained to H that it was not acceptable for Steve to assume this was ok and that he was expected to come home after work and make arrangements if he wanted to go out. I also told H that I could no longer watch Steve's S7 before and after school because it was too much on top of our D3 and S1.5. In my mind I wanted Steve to have to find a daycare so that he would have to be responsible for his son. Somehow, H managed to address the coming home right after work, but failed to mention that he needed to find care for his son! I was left to "confront" Steve and tell him it wasn't working about 2 weeks later. Steve finally left our home last month, owing us hundreds of dollars.
When H brings something to my attention, he does so in such a serious manner that I take a defensive stance. He seems to hold things inside until he has to let them out and by that time he's at end of his rope. Picking up on this, I acknowledge the issue and try to explain my perspective if it differs from his and at this time, if we're going around in circles, he ends the conversation. I try really hard to validate him and offer resolutions and need to work on following through.
I've been struggling with this for weeks, months really. I plan to start applying to jobs and landing one, but I know that this will only breed resentment for me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted? I have always felt very strongly that the man should be able to provide for his family, so this is hard for me to swallow. The way I feel is if I'm working (especially full time), then I might as well be a single mother. I know I sound ridiculous, but I can't seem to dig myself out of this self pity.
Quote: Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted?
That seems to me to be the essence of the problem. Your expectations are not being met. I think what I would suggest is that you try not to continue having expectations, especially unrealistic ones, for your marriage...as it stands, you appear to hold the belief (through what you've heard from Dr. Laura and perhaps what you observed growing up) that your husband OUGHT to be able to provide the family's entire financial support. Even if he could, though, is it fair to hold him to a standard that HE does not totally support? Perhaps a re-assessment of your priorities (together with him) might be in order, as well as a hard look at what your expectations are for a marriage to see if maybe it's time to adjust your filters a little and start looking for ways to improve relations and not hold him responsible for your expectations.
I think you know my sitch...my W is having an affair, in fact is on the way to Las Vegas right now with the OP for three days. That is not at all the standard I would expect in a marriage, but clearly she is not willing to practice fidelity right now. The reasons for that are many, but in our case I would say that her expectations of me were profoundly unrealistic, as were mine of her. Both of us expected the other to alter their fundamental personalities to better fit the other's, and when those expectations weren't met it caused us both to behave in ways that hurt and belittled the other. For years I had a way of talking to her and behaving judgmentally when she would do or say things that I thought were embarrassing or potentially confusing or inappropriate in front of our families or children; so over time she felt like she had to repress her true personality to "keep the peace". Now, she has snapped out of that pattern and the pendulum has swung her all the way into a torrid affair. And in my case, she expected ME to be as relaxed as she always was, to get down on the floor and play with our daughters (like her dad did), which I have NEVER done and never even desired to...it just isn't my way, and it was never done with me when I was growing up. Our family was simply not as touch-oriented (other than hugs and spoken words of love) and physical affection was a private matter so I never lavished it on my kids as much as she EXPECTED me to. So eventually I came to feel as though she felt I was an inadequate father while simultaneously overprotecting and over-disciplining our kids when they misbehaved. Ah, geez, it was a mess.
So what I'm saying is...EXPECTATIONS get you into trouble. Better to assess your needs in the relationship and teach each other how to get them met so that you never feel that you need to go outside the marriage to find it. And, as Michele said in DR, you'll never reach those wonderful 4th and 5th stages of marriage unless you resolve the conflicts in Stage 3 (Everything would be alright if YOU changed) by setting expectations only for yourself and accepting your partner the way they are. In my case I still have hope that my wife is not truly as shallow as she is acting (hanging out with twenty-something single girlfriends, having the affair, refusing to do the hard work of reconciliation) and that her true, beautiful self will once again be the person I am happily married to. But there is always the chance that this IS the person she always wanted to be. If that is the case in the long run I will have to move on to a relationship in the future with a more mature individual, but at least I will know how to approach a relationship without placing unrealistic expectations on my partner.
Good luck Pam...I hope that you can find some quality in your counseling and I hope that you and your H can find the center soon.
Thank you Dan, I appreciate you stopping by with your words of wisdom
It's not so much that I think H ought to be able to provide, because he does! I'm going to work on an updated budget, (part of my therapy homework) and see what spending can be decreased. I've been trying to encourage him to quit smoking for years now to no avail. Not having any expectations is a hard thing to do. It makes perfect sense, but how in the world am I supposed to do that without feeling resentful?
Quote: ...so over time she felt like she had to repress her true personality to "keep the peace". Now, she has snapped out of that pattern and the pendulum has swung her all the way into a torrid affair.
Interesting. I said something very similar to my sex therapist in one of my last sessions. I told her I felt as if my spirit was being broken and I'm not being true to myself. BTW, this was in regards to our differences in opinion on various issues, NOT sex.
Quote: Good luck Pam...I hope that you can find some quality in your counseling and I hope that you and your H can find the center soon. Love to you!
Thank you, I hope so too. Our counseling (hmmm $1,000 since Dec ) seems to be focused on better communication at the moment. *sigh* I wish I could just snap my fingers. Thanks for the love too!
Is the part-time job a solution to bring in more income, because you need it at this time, or is it to get you out of the house? I wasn't clear on that issue.
I think what you are going through is completely normal. It seems to you that YOU are the one making all the effort to improve your relationship, YOU are the one making the sacrifices, YOU are the one who is willing to turn your LD state into something else so you can have a good marriage, YOU are the one at home ALL DAY with the kids, and though you love them dearly and wouldn't trade them for the world, you feel as though you have no personal identity, except if and when you can fit it in, and now, NOW you are expected yet again to rise to the occassion for the sake of family needs and work outside the home -- while to you, it doesn't seem that much has changed for your H except he is getting all ML you can give him, and still, it doesn't seem to be enough.
Have I come close?
First, I can tell you that unless you land a part-time job that pays like a full-time one, you will actually be working at a loss. Meaning, it will cost you MORE to work outside the home part-time than if you stayed at home, ie., paying for day care while away; gas money; travel time; energy levels; the list can go on and on. If I were you, I'd sit down with your H and do the math on what salary level you are going to have to shoot for in order to actually bring in more money to your household in a part-time job. Honestly, you would make more money watching other people's kids in your home. Do you really want to do that?
Second, working a part-time job outside the home I think is going to lead to more frustration for you. Part-time jobs are NEVER part-time; they expect a full-time production in half the time.
With both your kids under the age of five, I think you need to rethink what you realistically expect of yourself in terms of job satisfaction and ability to pull in money. Sure, you could go out and get a full-time job, but then someone else is watching your kids, and I'm sure there is a part of you saying, "if I do that, then why did I have kids?"
An option for you to consider is for you to get a part-time job in the evenings or on the weekends when your H will be around to watch the kids. Working in the evening is going to make you more tired during the day, and will give you less time to ML; working on the weekends is a viable option, but probably not in your choosen field.
I think you really need to talk through this with your H. You going back to work right now is going to take some sacrifices on everyone's part, and I think you all need to really decide if the extra income is worth that. This is not something you should have to solve by yourself. I think your H is not really thinking this through.
And, the fact of the matter is, you can say NO, I'm not getting a job right now. You have that power. You can draw that boundary.
Your resentment, I believe, is coming from a part of you that is feeling unappreciated and not respected for your efforts. If you are going to attack anything with your H, I'd say start there. Until your kids get in school, it is a very simple fact that you are NOT going to have a lot of time for yourself or your own needs. It's okay; it doesn't last forever. Do your pet projects at home in the evening, and continue freelancing for the creative shot you need. Ease up on yourself, girl. It is INSANE to try to be superwoman. Been there, done that. But you must have the courage to stick up for yourself and draw the line with your H. He cannot take advantage of you unless you allow it.
I was tempted to make a post calling for you! Thank you so much for responding. I was in tears reading your words.
Quote: Is the part-time job a solution to bring in more income, because you need it at this time, or is it to get you out of the house? I wasn't clear on that issue.
It started out as me getting out of the house but now it's both... with an emphasis on more income.
Quote: Have I come close?
LOL don't you always?
Quote: First, I can tell you that unless you land a part-time job that pays like a full-time one, you will actually be working at a loss. Meaning, it will cost you MORE to work outside the home part-time than if you stayed at home. Honestly, you would make more money watching other people's kids in your home. Do you really want to do that?
Exactly! That is why I know I need to work full time and it's such a blow to my ideals. Running my own daycare is definitely not my style! It was too much simply adding our cousin's child into the mix! What makes this even more frustrating is the fact that I want to rethink my career path and possibly take a course. The thought of just picking a job for the sake of contributing financially when I'm not sure what I want to be doing is kind of overwhelming!
Quote: With both your kids under the age of five, I think you need to rethink what you realistically expect of yourself in terms of job satisfaction and ability to pull in money. Sure, you could go out and get a full-time job, but then someone else is watching your kids, and I'm sure there is a part of you saying, "if I do that, then why did I have kids?"
There's no need for any rethinking - you hit the nail on the head on how I feel. I don't understand why it's so difficult to look at the big picture and see this as such a shortlived circumstance but so beneficial to our kids.
Quote: I think your H is not really thinking this through. And, the fact of the matter is, you can say NO, I'm not getting a job right now. You have that power. You can draw that boundary.
I've been doing this and it just keeps coming up and biting me in the butt. It's getting to the point now where I feel like getting a job will make it all *go away*. But what all will go away exactly???
Girlfriend, you need to slow yourself down. I understand EXACTLY where you are. I've been there, I've felt exactly the same way. Know that it is okay to feel exactly as you are feeling, and know that you do not need to solve this overnight. I'm sure you are feeling something similar to experiencing a creative block; you know you need an answer and nothing is coming in, you begin to panic because nothing is coming in, and the more you panic, the worse it gets.
Knowing that the phase your children in right now is only temporary still does not 'fix' or soothe the frustration you are feeling. Topping that off, you don't even really know what you want to DO with yourself.
Girl, you are in a radical state of change. You are on the verge of starting another 'phase' of your life, and when I say that, I mean you are changing and evolving on the inside. Others looking at you may not see it, but YOU definitely FEEL it. It's like trying to think of someone's name, it's on the tip of your tongue, but sill is elusive, and no matter how hard you think, you just can't remember, but you KNOW -- you know?
All I can tell you is, breathe. Stop pushing so hard. Relax your mind, stop trying so hard to find the answer. It will 'come' to you when you are ready and relaxed. Think through this process. Really try and pinpoint what you think is 'missing.' I can tell you how I did it, but it may not work for you, and I'm not sure if this is the appropriate spot to discuss it.
Quote: I've been struggling with this for weeks, months really. I plan to start applying to jobs and landing one, but I know that this will only breed resentment for me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions to help me not feel so disappointed that my marriage isn't living up to what I wanted? I have always felt very strongly that the man should be able to provide for his family, so this is hard for me to swallow. The way I feel is if I'm working (especially full time), then I might as well be a single mother. I know I sound ridiculous, but I can't seem to dig myself out of this self pity.
Hello Pam,
No, you don't sound ridiculous. We all want the best for our children. They are little for only such a short time and you cannot regain lost time with your babies. You may feel that you don't want to miss those precious years and terrible guilt in returning to work and leaving them in childcare. Staying at home is a wonderful opportunity but not everyone can. However don't be too quick in thinking that you and your babies will be too unhappy in a new sitch where you have to work (if necessary). Do your math and work out all the pros and cons, consider all your options and discuss them with your H before deciding. (Hey, you're both in counselling to improve communication and this is one good area to work on). You might find that eventually you even like returning to work once you have eased into it though it may seem scary and such a big change now. Here is a good link for SAHMs from others faced with the same dilemma about returning to work. Do check it out.
You asked how to get rid of feelings of resentment. I would say replace it with a good dose of empathy. I too am a SAHM and I know my H would probably prefer it if I worked and contributed to the expenses. I can see the stress and burden he feels in making sure that we don't lose that one income. He works really hard and has to take on a lot of crap at the workplace just to make sure that we are all well taken care of financially. (Maybe thats why he is now LD) I really wish I could help take part of that stress away. My H leaves the house really early, deals with a lot of stress at work and comes home to more stress seeing me all hassled my being 7 1/2 months pregnant and chasing after my 20 month old dd. He tries his best to help me out and cheer me up but I can see he really needs the rest himself and sometimes he is just so tired he falls asleep right after dinner. My contribution is to take good care of him by making sure he gets good food, good sleep and by giving him foot massages and an old fashion back scratch which he loves, for now and later on consider going back to work to share the finances.
So Pam, next time you feel resentment or self pity building up, think instead of your H and how he must be feeling. Shift the focus away from you and to him. You will find the resentment floating away. Yours (being a SAHM) is a tough job having the toddlers follow you around 24/7 but its richly rewarding when you see that lovely smile and get to witness all the wonders of their milestones development yourself. But what sort of reward does your H get at work? Is he doing something he loves? Does he work long hours? Does he have good employers? Does he face a lot of stress at work?
Oh and BTW, I am not sure he will be all that keen on you returning to work if he learns of your building resentment. Studies have shown that working mothers with young children face the greatest stress. You are both working on your desire descrepancies now. Has he ever considered how the stress of change and returning to work and your even having less time than before with your time divided between work, children and him and how this will affect your SSM sitch?
Have you told him how you feel about returning to work? If you do talk to him don't forget that dose of empathy. Discuss how your returning to work will affect the BOTH of you AND your toddlers rather than how dissapointed YOU feel that he is not living up to your expectations of how you think your M life should be and that he should be the provider etc etc.
Just my two cents. Hope this helped and hope you get out of your rut soon.
Aquarian, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling blue because your posts to me have certainly helped me to cheer up. I have an idea you can consider. You do graphic and web design but have you considered a change of direction? My W was a fashion buyer before we started a family. She stayed at home to look after our children and although money was not really a problem she always hankered after a job. In London there is a shortage of childminders and for a year or so she looked after our nephew for my sister. He was the same sort of age as our toddler. After a while a neighbour asked her to look after her two sons and all of a sudden she had a new business. If you love children, child care is ideal because you do not have to commute, the costs are low and the money is good if you have two children. Now that ours are older (youngest is 11) toddlers just aren't part of our scene anymore but because she has had so much contact with the childcare world she now has a job as a classroom assistant at a local school which she absolutely loves. It also gives her a lot of pleasure telling me about her school day so we have a good line of communication there. Perhaps a change of direction is what you need too. I hope this helps, SD
Corri: Thank you again I will take you up on that email offer! Your journal entry to CeMar helped too.
LH: Thanks for the link.
Quote: I would say replace it with a good dose of empathy.
Yes, I try to do that.
Quote: my being 7 1/2 months pregnant and chasing after my 20 month old dd
Brings back memories Our dd was 20 months old when our son was born. *sigh* Take good care of yourself and your little girl.
Quote: I am not sure he will be all that keen on you returning to work if he learns of your building resentment. Have you told him how you feel about returning to work?
Yes, I have told him. The issue keeps coming up though, so it's time to stop beating a dead horse and contribute! H browses the board from time to time and reads my posts, so we had a discussion last night.
SD: I'm so glad to be able to cheer you up. It really does make me feel good to reach out and help others.
Quote: You do graphic and web design but have you considered a change of direction?
Yes, I am trying to figure out what that change should be. I'm tired of design as a career. I just want to do it as a hobby now. I do have some ideas but most of them require going back to school and that's not currently feasible. I applied to a few jobs yesterday and came across an ad in the paper that piqued my interest as a seemingly perfect solution, but H made me promise not to apply. I'll just have to give working a shot and see if our finances improve. Unfortunately I don't have the patience or desire to watch other people's children.
Thank you for taking the time to help me out guys. I'm not feeling as blue or hopeless today.
I hate it when I feel like that! Every now and then something gets me down and it seems like the end of my world. Thanks for your kind words and suggestions.
) seems to be focused on better communication at the moment. *sigh* I wish I could just snap my fingers. Thanks for the love too! 
- you hit the nail on the head on how I feel. I don't understand why it's so difficult to look at the big picture and see this as such a shortlived circumstance but so beneficial to our kids.