Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Tootling along.

Thanks toots for the VD wishes and also for looking into my threads once in a while. Your advice is always calming.
I'm glad things are relatively calm around you revently. I guess that is a very very good thing. I like how easy you said "we will D, we will reconcile".
Good attitude towards sth that is still scaring the hell out of me.
But I guess at some point you were able to make peace with yourself, is that right? Was there a moment when you came to peace?

Hi all - thanks for stopping by - Valentine Buddies!

Complex, I think it happened to me through reading - both forums and books, where I realised that nothing was going to resolve any time soon. And I truly accepted that we both had a journey to take.

In the early days I read and read, planned our convos, took notes, looked for the thing that was going to turn everything around. And then - poof - I just realised that things need to run their course and I let go. In the background, I had also been rebuilding my life here, so that also gives a shift of focus away from the marital sitch.

Now, whilst I still love my H, I realise that it probably wouldn't be a good thing for us to get back together right now - and possibly not ever. Although, I'm sure if he became truly introspective and dug very deep and wanted us to reconcile, that would be what I would want too.

It just all takes time and work, and I think if you have those things - and you are doing the 'right' work, things will shift for you. Thanks for saying you find my advice calming - that's very kind....I don't always feel calm inside! Tx

Very true toots.
We all desperately want our S back but you have to ask why? They weren't happy and in my sitch neither was I for a long time so why would I want her back? At the moment not for the right reasons. Very hard to think like that but if you didn't know that person you wouldn't want to be with them. Lying cheating bullying say and do anything together get what they want. Not very appealing right. The reason we want them back is because we're hurt and desperately want to cling on to what we have.
We have to let go, detach and then you'll have clarity.

toots and ontheup, very wise words. So true.
We have to constantly ask ourselves for the reasons we are doing this.
While our S is lying to us we are also lying to ourselves. And it's hard to see the truth. It makes sense to really picture a reconciliation scenario. And sometimes then we don't even see one, or at least see its way more complicated the we would hope for...

Toots, Complex, One, Edz and Susan

We do this for us, for restoration of our sanity. To become the best we can. We can be Valentines for ourselves. Treat ourselves well and go GAL on this difficult day, there are other difficult days, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and we need a strategy to manage these difficult times.

Valentine's Day is one of those days and we can cry for that which was. For that which is changed in our lives.

See this as another milestone, thriving through the tears. Tears release and with each tear another freedom, a new door to the future. Tell us to be ready to detach and move on.

Next Valentine's Day will be a vast improvement on this one. Sweet Valentine will be a joy. So I say already, happy Valentine's Day for next year, let me be the first.

Vanilla

Thumps up Vanilla!

Actually I just cut this day out. I never held much on Valentine's Day anyway. Bunch a crap. Love is so much more. Americans hold a lot more on Valentine's Day than germans also.
Anniversaries etc are way worse. I didn't flinch a single time.

Thanks all. Well, we survived Valentines Day weekend. No contact from H - much as expected. And not a bad weekend all in all. Went to the parents for lunch yesterday and Aqua Aerobics GAL in the evening.

Wet and grey here this morning. Will the sun ever shine again I ask myself. I'm looking forward to a few weeks time and some (hopefully) mild spring weather. Doing some work from home today and Mum-sitting this evening. Not GAL as such, but she has two fabulous carers and we have a good chat and a laugh when they come.

Complex, I understand what you say about reconciliation. Whilst I'm not closing the door on our M yet. I find it hard to even imagine H and me happily together again. Maybe that's always the case with waywards - their behaviour isn't very lovable is it? I can see if there were some genuine repentance and desire to work on the M it might well be very different.

Quite a busy GAL week for me. Volunteering tomorrow, yoga Wed, meal out (new ladies group) Thur and meeting SS & his Mum on Fri.

Was due to see the mutual friend who told me H said our R was over. Haven't seen or spoken to her since Nov. We were due to meet at Xmas but I was ill. She's lovely, but I feel awkward about the dynamic that she knows where H is at and I don't. She texted last night to say she is ill and may not make it down for a visit. Was partly relieved in truth...it's a shame that this situation has affected our friendship. She told me she feels pretty cross with H putting her in the position he did (telling her our R was over but not telling me - still hasn't).

Oh well....on with the day Toots! Have a good one everyone...:-)

Toots

You may never know if H told the mutual friend MF the truth or not.

I think waywards try on attitudes and make statements to see the effect of them.

If I were you then I would just act as if he had said nothing to MF. In your interactions with MF then you could choose to validate, apologise that MF was put in the position and act as if H had not said what he did.

V

Hey toots

Agree with Vanilla here. As you already know do not believe anything WS says.
My wife has told her family and friends we're seperating but has she told them the truth? has she hell, she hasnt told a single person (bar IC) because that would be a totally different slant on how she would like to portray it. At the moment she is receiving lots of sympathy/support from her side. If they knew truth that would end.
WS are down a very deep hole desperatly looking for a way out. makes me think of alice in wonderland.

Your doing great. Getting on with your life whatever happens.

Thanks V and OTU. It's easy to tell others not to believe anything.....and harder not to actually believe anything yourself! I'll try harder with this one. I can certainly see, like with your W OTU, that saying we are 'over' makes having the A more acceptable and legitimate. Or as you say V - could just be 'testing the concept out' - or that he truly believed this at that time Oct/Nov and may or may not still do now!

Anyway - thanks for your comments and best for me not to wonder! Reading Gan's post, it sounds as though she really does know that she'll be okay either way. And that's nice to read....and I do think I'm approaching that point too.