Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Learn to Fly

I agree on the PTSD. My IC told me the other day he felt I was dealing with a level of PTSD given all that I had been through.

I think you are still in the middle of the war zone and suffering some PTSD. I am not sure how to deal with it yet except to get as far from the situation you can and get the support you can and give yourself time to heal.

I wonder if PTSD is associated with what happens to me at night. I wake up with this jolting surge through my body as I have a memory or realization of my life or something. It all happens with within a split second.

Anyway... what a weekend. Xh has spent every night since Thursday at hww. It's whatever. Im adjusting, and not the reason I'm posting. My kids have been gone pretty much all weekend, and I've been alone. It's OK. Probably best as I collect myself.

However, earlier, I saw xh rolling by, almost at a stop he was creeping by so slowly. It actually happened twice within an hour. He must have been going to bil, then leaving again. Whatever, I really wasn't paying attention and been doing a good job not to. But, it caught my eye bc he may as well drove up through the yard and looked through the window.

I didn't realize he went back to bil.. bc I hadn't paid attention. But I just got a text from him. "How are you doing?"

It's so annoying. He spends all last weekend, then every night since Thursday there. He finally decides to leave and has the time and concern to send that to me. I mean, really?

What is up with this guy?

Ugh. I'm ignoring.

Love,
Bozo

Oh... and he hasn't done anything really with the kids again.... back to same ol'.

The last time he spent some actual time with them was a few weeks ago when i offered him to come here when I was going out with friends.

Other than that, he picks up d13 from practice for the 2 min drive, and took her to get hot chocolate with a friend for like 10 minutes.

He was going to take them to the movies today. Uhhh... well.... didn't happen.

They kept busy with friends anyway, but he did have the opportunity.

So sad. Especially since he "Isn't focused on a r right now, just the kids." More like the other way around.

OK, anyone watch Joel Osteen this morning? "The pain of letting go is less than the pain of holding on."

Mighty he is being unfair to you with texts like that. He is keeping his feelers out there and temp checking just in case HE needs you at some point. My ex did the same and it is very selfish and very confusing.

This has been a traumatic event in your life. It will take time to wrap your head around it all. I've been there and know what it is like to feel doubly dooped.

My Mother always said.." Hurt me once shame on you....hurt me twice...shame on me"

Now is the time for self caring and healing. No matter what happens in the future...you will be ok. ((Hugs))

Mighty, I know how hard this is for you. It is a process you just have to work through.

He is checking that you are where he left you..just in case.

I am sorry he is doing this to your kids again. My guess is that they are not as surprised as you are. They didnt really hear him say all the things you did, right? And they self protected some.

Please try not to figure him out. That will just make you crazy.

There is no rhyme or reason to their actions. They dont make sense.

So, you planned a trip. What else are you doing for you, M? Your kids are older. What things can you do for you? Can you join a group of some sort? Take a class?

Time for you to take care of you, too.

I know this isnt what you wanted, but, it's what you have right now. The road to being ok begins with acceptance. That leads you to peace.

karma- it does mess with your head. When I started getting these texts in the fall, it made me feel empowered. I was detached at the time. I didn't respond, but I knew he was thinking of me.

Now, I don't really let it get to me, but it makes me realize that he is just in it for himself. He really does not care how I am doing, and if he does, it's only to ease his own guilt. But, come on... sending that as soon as you get home from almost 4 days there. Duh. Actually, I'm actually a little better every day and I work my way into acceptance. Next step is figuring out me. I can't even remember what I was doing before that kept me occupied. Must not have been too fulfilling.

(OMG... and the guy just creeps by again- staring hard core... stop looking! He does not even try to hide it!)

uR- hey there. It is difficult for me, but I'm getting better. I don't understand the whole checking if I'm still there thing. I mean, does he really think of me as Plan B? That is terrible. He has feelings for both, but is going to see if it works with her. Ugh. Whatever.

I will be honest, I don't know what to do with myself. I mean, in the last year, I have tried a variety of things. But, I just don't know. Nothing really excites me anymore. I know... lame.

I also feel so overwhelmed by the renos in the house now. It remains to be nothing but a huge burden. And I don't have the money to contract it out. But it is some seriously major work... and I am left to go it alone. And in the meantime, it makes my house so cold. And today it is -8 degrees. That's not including the wind chill.

But, I am off this week and I may just get started on the kitchen. I think I will make a make-shift kitchen in the dining room and start to gut the rest of the kitchen. I wish I didn't, but it has to be done to go with the rest of the addition. And when the guy framed it, he screwed up and left if difficult to match up.

I have to go shopping for some work pants, too. I don't have many since I lost weight last year. I thought I'd get it back, but it's not happening. I was pretty tiny to begin with, but now... I can't even stand it.

And both kids birthdays' are coming up in the next week. The tickets for spring break was their gift. But I think I am going to get d13 a suitcase. Xh took 2 of ours when he went on a cruise last year. I don't want them back. But I will get a fun one for d13. One that fits her personality more. Kind of a weird gift, but she will like it if it looks cool enough. And she has three trips coming up over the next few months.

So, I made the list of all the things I am free of now, with him gone. Things that I didn't want in my life. Things that kept me from me. I also made two other lists. One was a list of what kind of person she is getting now. And the other is a list of what kind of person he is getting. I don't know if it helped, but I hope it helps keep perspective. So if I have any invading thoughts, I can remember who the truly are right now, and that I have the freedom to do and live how I choose.

I am going to go set some goals for the day. And probably the week (I am off from work this week).

**** I just keep envisioning him driving by... his face plastered to the window of his truck- starting in, at almost a stand still (Mr. Leadfoot, himself). I think he thinks bc the windows are tinted, I can't see- wrong. In the great words of Pee Wee Herman, "Why don't ya take a picture. It will last longer."

Oh, and asked me if I used to see him drive by in the months he didn't live here (or bil). I said no. But he said he would drive by all the time. Well... keep on driving, buddy. Cause it isn't the house you bothered to park- so keep it moving.

Wait! uR! Before you tell me that I won't understand.... I know. Duh... There is me... Trying to make sense out of crazy?! Duh... There is nothing to understand except accept that it is a crazy train crisis and nothing will make sense.

Whew.

Ok, kitchen.... Here I come!

LOL! Mighty....and yep..you cant understand crazy unless you are and you most certainly arent.

This is where I want to see you get to...not caring if he drives by. Or waving to him as he does..or being out of the house and busy so it doesnt matter if he does.

You are depressed and anxious. It is part of what keeps you going round and round. Are you seeing a therapist? Im sorry, Ive forgotten if you are or not. If not, it is something to consider.

It is also part of why you dont find pleasure in anything.

I get the being busy and overwhelmed with the reno. Its good that you are formulating a plan to get it done. Write it all down. Go throug each step. Cross it off. You can do it, M.

The things you do for yourself dont have to be major or cost a lot of money. Meditate, exercise, a long, hot bath, a meetup group. It's important that you think about you.

I like the list for you. But, I think you know how I feel about the other lists. That puts the emphasis on them and keeps you in the sitch. Who cares what he is getting or what she is getting? They deserve each other right now.

It's Mighty's time. Time to figure out you and what you love. Time to get good and strong. Time to let him go and see where life takes you.

The road to peace, M.....

Hi Mighty,

I can totally understand how you feel about nothing really interesting you. I too have been left with a house renovation that needs to be completed. I struggle at times to get going. What I have done is to only look at one piece at a time and not the whole thing. I keep closer to getting it finished. I hope it can be done by summer. I think once this weight is lifted I will have room for other interests. You probably will to, so don't keep looking at the big picture, just one piece at a time.

It's good to have a project, focusing on the kitchen may be that. But please call in all the help you can. How is your 17 year old with tools? Maybe this is a good opportunity for him to learn some construction skills.

What do you have to do in there? I put a new kitchen in my mom's house once, with my ex - flat pack cabinets that we assembled ourselves (I'm pretty good at assembling and they were really pretty nice, held up well). Formica countertop which actually looked great (the most inexpensive option, although I like tile work and if I was doing a kitchen for myself, might do tiles - my current kitchen has big marble tiles and that looks good. Loved my old granite but that's expensive and NOT something you can do yourself, although I once saw a mosaic countertop made from leftover bits of granite).
My mom's kitchen also had a floating laminate floor. We had someone install it but looks easy enough to do yourself.

Be careful when planning your cabinets, that doors don't bump into each other or into appliances etc.

Maybe you can guilt your ex into paying for some of the work??? I know you're used to being tough and self-sufficient, but maybe this is a good time to play the "poor me" card and get some money out of him at least.lol.