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Wow, Zues, you and I are on the same page today.

Zues

Just made it through your thread. I am glad W was just oversleeping.

Having this experience of DB. Having made it thus far, there is absolutely no doubt that whatever happens, with W or a new R, Zues will be becoming Zues.

Capable of the best R for himself and his children.

Sending you great peace and calm

V

Legal update: I hadn't heard from my lawyer from 12/5/14 so I reached out to her on 2/13/15 for an update. She said that things were kind of in limbo. The legal separation that I had served was just sitting there, STBX's lawyer was waiting for some paperwork from STBX. Nothing was moving.

I had planned on letting it run it's course, if it went slow it went slow. I spoke with my lawyer and she asked if she wanted me to have her speed things up. I told her I wasn't sure, and I wanted to talk to my family therapist (DB coach).

Everyone else has told me I'll need to be the one to file, and that I should get it done. Everyone else are my IC, my psychiatrist, and my parents. But I trust my DB coach.

I talked to her yesterday and told her why I thought it made sense to file. The marriage is over. The more clearly we have things worked out with schedules and finances the better it has gone, and it will be nice to have things resolved so I know when I will have my kids in the summer, so I know what money I have to myself and can start planning ahead.

It will protect me legally. STBX was a SAHM, and in the 8 months since she asked me to leave she hasn't started working. I don't know how she's paying the bills, I am providing some but not nearly enough for the household since 12/1 when I got my own place. I am concerned that she is digging deep into credit card debt and that although my separation agreement protects me against catastrophic expenditures, it may not against consistent living expenses. I was mentally prepared to get stuck with a big debt load, but watching and wondering for months on end isn't helpful to me. Again, the more closure we have the better for both of us. In fact, DB Coach said that my STBX sounds very stuck and unable to pull herself out of her funk, and that this was probably the best thing for her so she could assume responsibility for her life.

And I thought of why I hadn't wanted to file. Sandi's post on another thread a few weeks ago really rang true to me when she said it really doesn't matter who pulls the trigger. I know what road I've walked. STBX will remember things her way. There need be no blame, judgment, etc. It doesn't really matter. I didn't make the decision to end the marriage. But I did contribute to a bad marriage, and I have to live with my role in that.

So I will ask my lawyer today to speed things up and convert to a divorce to get this done as quickly as possible.

This is a positive thing. My kids are blooming in a way that is truly heartwarming, better than during our M. I will have firm boundaries to protect myself and my children financially, and ensure I have the time with my family that we need. She will be free to live her life and I know she'll find her way.

It is still sad we couldn't do better together, and it doesn't sit well that I don't feel we really exhausted our options before conceding that it wasn't possible. It is a true loss in all of our family's lives. But so it goes for millions of people in this world, life can be tragic at times and I am no exception. I will move forward and do what I can to write some good stuff in the pages I have left. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! GAL!!!

***NOTE- When I said "I talked to her" I meant DB Coach, NOT STBX!

BTW, DB Coach told me it would help to share with STBX that I asked my lawyer to expedite the process, the reason being that we seemed to do better working together when we had clear agreements. The only areas of tension we still have are where it's murky, and that it would benefit us both to conclude our business sooner.

She said this would help as it is collaborative and taking into account both of our needs and her decisions. She also said that it would benefit me to communicate this because it would clarify to STBX that I'm not plan B anymore. I didn't see why this was important as I don't really care if STBX thinks I'm plan B or not, but she said if it helped HER on her individual journey then it was giving her a gift. It's not really about anything between she and I. I can be on board with that.

Zues, I think this is remarkable. Well done. I am not to this point yet, in so many ways.

I want to share something with you today. I will explain why in a later post. For now I ask that you slow down for just a minute and enjoy.

This is from a book by Vonnegut. "Papa" is dying, and he whispered a request for his "last rites". Here we go:

**************************************************************

So I was privileged to see the last rites of the Bokononist
faith. And he climbed into the golden boat with "Papa." He sat in the stern. Cramped quarters obliged him to have the golden tiller under one arm.

He wore sandals without socks, and he took these off. And
then he rolled back the covers at the foot of the bed, exposing
"Papa's" bare feet. He put the soles of his feet against "Papa's" feet, assuming the classical position for _boko-maru_.

"_Gott mate mutt_," crooned Dr. von Koenigswald.
"_Dyot meet mat_," echoed "Papa" Monzano.
"God made mud," was what they'd said, each in his own
dialect. I will here abandon the dialects of the litany.
"God got lonesome," said Von Koenigswald.
"God got lonesome."
"So God said to some of the mud, 'Sit up!'"
"So God said to some of the mud, 'Sit up!'"
"'See all I've made,' said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky,
the stars.'
"'See all I've made,' said God, 'the hills, the sea, the sky,
the stars.'"
"And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look
around."
"And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look
around."
"Lucky me; lucky mud."
"Lucky me, lucky mud." Tears were streaming down "Papa's"
cheeks.
"I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done."
"I, mud, sat up and saw what a nice job God had done."
"Nice going, God!"
"Nice going, God!" "Papa" said it with all his heart.
"Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't
have."
"Nobody but You could have done it, God! I certainly couldn't
have."
"I feel very unimportant compared to You."
"I feel very unimportant compared to You."
"The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think
of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around."
"The only way I can feel the least bit important is to think
of all the mud that didn't even get to sit up and look around."
"I got so much, and most mud got so little."
"I got so much, and most mud got so little."
"_Deng you vore da on-oh!_" cried Von Koenigswald.
"_Tz-yenk voo vore lo yon-yo!_" wheezed "Papa."
What they had said was, "Thank you for the honor!"
"Now mud lies down again and goes to sleep."
"Now mud lies down again and goes to sleep."
"What memories for mud to have!"
"What memories for mud to have!" "What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!"
"What interesting other kinds of sitting-up mud I met!"
"I loved everything I saw!"
"I loved everything I saw!"
"Good night."
"Good night."
"I will go to heaven now."
"I will go to heaven now."
"I can hardly wait . . ."
"I can hardly wait . . ."
"To find out for certain what my _wampeter_ was . . ."
"To find out for certain what my _wampeter_ was . . ."
"And who was in my _karass_ . . ."
"And who was in my _karass_ . . ."
"And all the good things our _karass_ did for you."
"And all the good things our _karass_ did for you."
"Amen."
"Amen."

I think I posted that because when I first read that it really did a good job describing what a miracle life is.

I think what I really wanted out of an M was someone who appreciated the miracle as much as I did. Someone who would share in wonder with me. Someone who knew that what we've been given is too precious to allow it to go to waste.

We had a miracle. We had a M. We had each other. We had a family together. We had the opportunity to grow old together, and have a life shared together with memories back from when we were young. It's a true loss that's gone.

People that say "you'll be happy again", etc...that is true. But it is a true loss to see that go.

I see some people post D that feel they can be better off on their own, or that never want to depend on a partner again.

Granted, I don't want to depend on a partner for my own self esteem or happiness out of life. But I would like to depend on a partner to be with me, to share in the miracle.

It seems the more frequently you tear apart a R and try to start over with a new life, the less shared experience you have, the more baggage you have (physically, emotionally, etc), and the more diluted your appreciation for an R gets.

I don't want to live my own life and go through a revolving door of disposable R's. I want to give my heart to a woman that I can count on to stay committed through growing into different people, through difficult periods, through differences, because they have the same vision.

I have been with two women in my life. They were both long term Rs. One a 5 year R. The other a 10 year M. Both left.

I ask some of my older friends that have been married many years what their secret is...each of them laughs and says "she put up with my bs!" I hope to find a woman that will put up with my bs the way I put up with theirs. I've made my sacrifices, but to me nothing I give us is as important as what I gain.

If that never happens I'll make it through. I'm learning that. I'll choose to appreciate whatever I get from God, because it is a miracle. But I still hope that someday I'll meet a woman that feels the same way. I won't know when I meet her and the sparks are flying. I guess I'll find out 8 years down the line when they don't.

Wishing all of you luck on your paths...

This is my night with the kids. Had to take a time out to get this out of my system. My S10 just was talking to me about mom's friend X (OM). He mentioned that he's been staying over at the house most nights since I moved out. That was last summer.

I knew that he had come over a few nights. I knew that they'd continued in a R as "friends with benefits" or "F buddies". I DIDN'T know that he'd spent many evenings there and that my children knew his name. S10 said they didn't spend time together, it was just weird to have this person he didn't know staying in the same house sometimes.

I guess I'm not surprised. I just feel stupid that I remained emotionally attached for so many nights while she had some random alcoholic homebreaking deadbeat sleeping in the house I'm still paying for while STBX has yet to find work and is probably wracking up credit card debt financing the party.

OK, that's out. I'm hoping this is a wakeup call for anyone recently post BD. Seriously, detach. I have been and I needed every bit of it because it still put me off tonight.

I am really happy to be where I am now. I feel bad for my kids, but I'm doing a good enough job as a dad, and I know she's still being a good mom in her way, and the kids will be ok because life's tough and they might as well learn now I guess. But when they're older I won't talk about my sitch, but I will share my values with them. And what's going on here isn't ok.

Thank you. I feel better now. I have one other thought, but I want to enjoy my evening with my kids so I'll be back later!

Random thought of the day has to do with game theory.

So I love games. Love them. It's what I do.

I get to thinking about how we have a few hundred million adults in this country, most of which get married at some point. Now when there is a divorce, nothing positive is created, but instead there is a lot of anguish created for both parties and the children, and that anguish lasts a long time.

And here's the key- from an OVERALL perspective there is nothing to gain. The same couple hundred million people are still there to choose from. What I'm trying to say is that if everyone just got married, STFU and enjoyed their partner to the best of their ability...this is a far more sensible approach then to be tearing apart families and swapping partners out of the same pool. At least from an overhead view. Clearly some would benefit because maybe they could 'trade up' partners. But for the most part there is just a whole lot of heartache created.

Now I didn't add to that the positive highs created by the sense of freedom, adventure, etc, that an affair brings. Even with a lot of those worked in I still think its not even close.

So I'm telling this to my buddy the other day and I say "If anyone asks why I wanted to stay in that M, it wasn't my vows to God, it wasn't love, it wasn't my family...it was simply optimal strategy". We got a good chuckle out of this so I thought I'd share with you all.

Take care!

Having one of those intense nights where the PERMANENCE of everything has struck me.

I hurt. I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Yes, I'll move forward. And I'll enjoy what I've been given. And someday we'll be dead and all will be revealed. In the scheme of things it will be just another blip on the cosmic radar.

But I don't think it's right. For any reason.

Sometimes I just have to let the emotions out. I'm so used to managing through them. Sometimes I just have to fan the flames. So I read a few articles on divorce. Some people argue that it's better to leave a bad R, etc. It just makes me furious. Then I let it go.

Bottom line, I don't think this is what we're here to do. To leave each other. To tear apart families. I think it's wrong, and it's been so devastating to me I don't want to be close to anyone that feels that it's an ok choice. I'm at the point where I truly feel that for the rest of my life I don't want to be friends or close with anyone that has initiated a divorce for any reason. I would just as soon become friends with an active rapist.

Trying to purge it out. Right now I have a lot of anger towards WAS's. The betrayal. The cheating. The rationalization of destruction of lives.

Is it just that I value M more than most? Am I healthy for feeling this way, or unhealthy for being so "dependent on a M"?

I don't know anymore. I will admit to my feelings to you all though. I'm still in the anger stage. Not directly at STBX. Just at the situation.

Oftentimes I feel I've moved past the anger part. But I've never accepted it because I accepted it, I accepted it because I don't have a choice.

I've still been enjoying my life. I've been doing better than I have in a long time. It's seldom that I can't let it go and go about my day again. Tonight, though, I am just really stuck with the loss and sad that this is what we choose to do in the world.

Tomorrow will be better. And even today is ok. I'd rather have moments of anguish from the loss than to treat M casually enough to shrug this off easily. Maybe someday someone will appreciate my loyalty and commitment. If not at least I'll know I did my best to steer the world a tiny bit in the direction I believed it should go- family's stick together.