Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers KieranR now KNOWS what to do!

Found some friends who are going camping for the weekend. Think I'll stay overnight with them and then show up in the morning.

Perfect.

Good deal. I'm impressed by your jump-into-action, Kieran. Much kudos to you, sir.

Now, this is IMPORTANT. When you get back tomorrow morning, do NOT brood! Don't be p*ssy, don't be pouty, don't be petulant, don't even be MAD. (SHE may be livid, but you'll have your spew jacket on, so don't let that rattle you).

Your demeanor and your words should be: "This isn't what I wanted, but I realize now that whatever happens, I'll be okay. I realize now that I deserve someone in my life who is 100% committed to me, and who is truthful with me and faithful to me. I still hope that that ends up being you, but right now I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. A lot of trust has been broken here."

and

I AM FINE; NOT THRILLED, BUT HEY -- I'LL BE OKAY AND I KNOW YOU WILL TOO.

If she says "Are you mad?" say "I'm not mad, I'm just deeply disappointed." Nothing more.

If she asks "What are you going to do?" or "What are you thinking?" say "I'm not sure yet. I still have some other people whom I trust to talk to, and some decisions to make, as I'm sure you do too."

If she starts SCREAMING at you, like "WHERE THE F*%$ WERE YOU?!" and "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME, I WAS WORRIED SICK!" say "I'm sorry you were worried; I'm fine. I just had some thinking to do . . . and still do."

If she starts with "This is why I could never stay married to you," or any other kind of spew, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way. I understand. I'm just trying to do what's best for me right now." (or similar)

If she promises you she's ended her affair, she's told OM it's over, she wants to work on the marriage, etc. ....

Say "Yes, I heard you when you said that yesterday, but when I told you it wasn't that easy anymore your response proved you weren't sincere. If and when you're really committed to what that will look like, we can discuss what it takes. I'm too tired to have that discussion right now though." (and again, ALL of these are delivered with a smooth tone -- no anger, just courteous). Or you can also say "I wish I could believe you; I've got over two years of deceit I'm going to have to process first. We can talk more later."

You can EVEN say (so long as she's not spewing at you), "Look -- this isn't what I wanted. I do love you. But obviously a LOT of trust has taken a huge hit here. Frankly I don't have any answers for you right now, and it's CERTAINLY not my job to make YOU feel better about what's happened today, so if you'll excuse me I have a couple of errands I need to run" (or "I need to grab a shower," or whatever).

The only other thing I'd add is that if she is downright RUDE or DISRESPECTFUL or SCREAMS at you (including whatever amount of profanity or obscenity you might ordinarily put up with), just put your hand up and say "If you're going to talk to me that way, this conversation is over. When you're ready to calm down and discuss this respectfully, let me know. I'm going to grab a shower" (or whatever)

Make sense???


Starsky

Wow, that last thread went fast. I had typed this out and you look at it as part of the information you have to gather.

I had the same reaction, when I read about you taking her coffee. I don't think you see the message you gave her.

I understand friendliness. In spite of how I may sound on the board at times, I'm actually a very friendly person. . Oh, and you may run into some other posters talking about being friends in the M. There is a difference I hope you will establish right now. Some day, when her waywardness has ended, hopefully you can be friends again. But not at this time.

There is the BFF type. You do not want to be her best friend as long as she is attached to OM. Enough said on that one.

Then there is the type of friendliness that is really more of a civil co-existent arrangement where you speak calmly (not angrily, nasty, or scarcasticly) and maintain a level of tolerance during the time spent with her. Comparable to a co-worker you don't care to have as a buddy, but you have to work along side every day.

Then there is the friendly neighbor type. (I doubt your R has reached that level, since she just admitted to a PA last night.).

Now there are all kinds of neighbors, but I encourage you (when you reach that level) that you imagine an elderly, nosy lady who wants to know all about your life. Every time you get home, she'll try to catch you before you get inside, and starts with the questions. So, in order to not look to be too big of a jerk, you walk real fast (and act real busy with other things) and barely look her way as you throw up your hand in a wave. Wave, smile, and keep on walking. She's not so bad, but you don't want to take her in to spend the night with you. You don't want to hang out with her and see if you can get a little squeeze here & there. You will just keep a certain distance between you. After all, you can speak and smile and be curtious to a perfect stranger.

Now about the coffee thing. If I were the wayward in this stitch, I would wake up not knowing what kind of mood you might have, since I dropped the PA bomb last night. But wait.......you just brought me a cup of coffee. Wheee........now I can relax a bit b/c I think you will soften enough that I will have no problem continuing life as usual. Tonight, I will just be nice and play along till this has past. You will think everything is going to be alright.

She will not believe a word you say if you don't back it up with like-minded actions. I talk a lot about how a LBH needs to be firm with his WW. In other words, let her see you are dead serious about what you are saying. No, you don't have to be hateful and mean to her. You do not punish or shame her. But get this straight......do not pet her. At this time, especially, don't try to cheer her up or get her in a better mood.

It's impossible to get everything into a few posts. Don't give up out of frustration. If you will stick with us, we will stick with you. And hang on to Starsky, b/c he is the best around here. (And can use less words.)

P.S. As long as she has been in this A, I doubt very seriously she will cut it off the first time you tell her you won't put up with it. She doesn't believe you. She will try to play you. Prepare for a rough road ahead.

You are doing great. Especially considering you haven't read the book yet.

Kieran,

I'm not trying to encourage you to be a robot. But I remember VERY WELL how jacked-up my head and heart were when I was where you are this very day. And in that case, having "robot" responses, executed confidently and smoothly, will help you immensely.

That being said, if at all possible - and before you take off for the night - print off this most recent post from Starsky. Print it, and read it and read it and read it again ... until you've committed to memory (as much as possible) the provided responses.

It's the best thing you can do to keep your focus and to be prepared for *almost* anything from W when she starts in ... and she WILL. (Ask me how I know ... ).

Your situation is moving fast. Starsky, as usual, has provided an amazing guiding light for you. I'm thrilled to see you following it.

Buckle up, and know we're all on this ride with you!

Kieran, re-reading that I realize how PREACH-Y I sound. All of these scripts are just SUGGESTIONS -- feel free to use (or not) as you see fit. You obviously have a LOT more emotionally invested here, and I know this isn't easy for you.

I'm mostly trying to convey an overall strategy and an overall TACK for you to take anyway -- not necessarily the exact words. Because this IS all so counter-intuitive, many posters find the scripts helpful, but I certainly don't want to put words in your mouth and they need to sound like YOUR OWN WORDS when you talk to your wife (albeit with maybe a new resolve she hasn't seen in awhile).

You can do this.

Starsky

Sounds like a plan. Thank you so much for the advice.

fyi, I am not on here NEAR as much on the weekends as I am during business hours, but I will try to check in from my phone as much as I can as I know you're at a critical point here.

Remember, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE ANYTHING TODAY. Or tonite. Or this weekend. OK? ALL OF THIS WILL STILL BE THERE next week, and NOTHING you can do will either SCREW UP or automatically FIX your marriage this weekend. These things tend to move slowly.

Also, you DON'T have to have a response for everything she asks you. You can ignore her if it's a text or a phone call, and in person you can always say "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'll have to think about that and get back to you" and such. Or simply "Yes, I hear you. I understand what you're saying."

I personally found a lot of comfort in the thought that DBing wasn't really all that FRAGILE. There is room for error (so long as you don't keep making the SAME mistakes over and over again), and you have to play the long game.

STRENGTH and HONOR,


Starsky

Kieran,



Starsky hasn't even drank his Scotch or pulled out his best cigar from the box. Hey man, you need your smooth Scotch.

Back to you, Kieran. Remember that you are not the meek, submissive man lying down licking the lineoum floor. Stating your boundary and standing by your stance takes a ton of courage.

Here are some helpful resources to go along with suggested scripts to keep in the back pocket for the right opportunities:

Validation: Cheat Sheet

Boundaries: Cheat Sheet

Onward we march!

I'm thinking a good shiraz to go with a nice Rocky Patel Decade tonite, Wonka. A bit o' the grape . . .