Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Part 13 - contents (un)lucky for some

Sounds like a really good day with S. Lovely. Glad for you both. No need to say it but treasure him !

Take care Rd

Hi Edz - glad you guys had a good day....plus a new member of the household! What does BFT make of it? Is he (she?) sitting entranced by the aquarium?

Its the same tank s had in his room at the flat so bft is familiar she does occasionally get interested but not in an I'm going to eat you little fishie way, think she's happier to just hunt ham and chicken in her bowl

Hi rd oh I do, I do every day nowadays

Hi edz, thought I'd pop over here to avoid any more hijacking, not totally caught up on your sitch yet but it does sound like a nice Valentine's Day. Really enjoyed your message to BDers as well - very positive. Glad you and s enjoyed the day!

Afternoon all, been a very busy day, lots going on. Getting s ready to go back to w but cant complain. Will post back later.

Well evening all.

So today has been a busy one. Started off with a conversation with the landlord over the drains hes heading over tomorrow to take a look at the drain issues, doesn't necessarily need me to be here tomorrow but may well be not sure I want to go into the office tomorrow as among other things I need to go to the pet store, fishy didn't make it for some reason no idea why water pH is ok and temp and food was fine no sign of any issues except floating. S didn't catch it as it was not long before he was heading back

Anyhoo after this morning s and I had a nice breakfast of bacon sandwiches and then we needed to go out and get a few bits for baking. W called me at this point.

On the phone for an hour. W went into the fact she's worried she's losing s as he builds his r with me, she also seemed worried she's losing me to a smaller extent as well as other problems she's tackling (nb thing wasn't mentioned and I'm not bringing it up).

For the losing s part had to balance validation and support with reality. She is losing him to a degree the 100% time she had him before bd is done, I have him here in the current situation and will never exclude him like I did before.

Didnt go into lots of detail but said if we move forward together it will be as the three of us, if we go down another route then we would have to work out how he spends his time. Reassured her I understand completely, in my dark days this is how I felt about her as it felt s had her full time its not easy to deal with.

She's ultimately happy that s is happy and he is so is accepting some of that time and control coming to me. She's also worried that she's with him working and then he looks to being with me as all the fun, even that he'd move in with me given the option right now she followed that with a flat no thats not happening.

On the rest she's less focussed. I dropped back to a version. Of "this isn't what I want but.." The other day I was talking about car spaces when new neighbours parked in my second space, as part of the reasons I was keen they understood it was for here I just said I may need it for somebody else to park in (at the time meaning w parking here, nb not necessarily as living here but dropping s off etc) she brought it up in conversation, we were talking about quelling S's worries about the future, I'd said I hadn't and won't promise anything I can't deliver so effectively just m and d love him and always will, i stop there with s since beyond that who knows what the future looks like so I won't promise more.

This is where w brought up that comment saying I wanted it for someone else to park there, pointed out I'd meant her she said oh. Didn't go down the you could move here kind of route, that would be pursuit and push her away, she knows she could I dont need to say it again.

So short version apart from talking about her job who are being awkward on her leaving and that stressing her, the rest was an affirmation on my position. I dont want us to divorce, I can't however control her and ultimately she must decide on how she wants to proceed I will meantime carry on building my future. She confirms the change in S's relation with me and as I'd suspected she's scared at no longer having him all the time (the first time she's acknowledged this) so,progress.

I really dont read she wants to divorce but equally she's not ready to look into any kind of reconciliation either.

Still a good talk and I confirmed she can talk to me about this any time but I did reaffirm I can't indefinitely be a plan b, this isn't a time issue as we talk and I'm not interested in any kind of ultimatum, she just needs to work out what she wants. Im meantime getting on with moving forward

So that heavy morning out the way s and I went out and then baked Brownies before I then cooked roast pork with 4 veg and Yorkshire pudding.

S and I did some English sheets this afternoon then some games while I did some washing and changed bedsheets etc.

Anyway took him back to w and had a small glass of wine as I was driving, after a little while I made my exit, saying had to feed the bft, w wasn't going to talk as s was there and I felt I could be being read as pursuit if I hung around without further invitation.

So now back have some more wine and the TV on. Lots to think over from this morning, w doesn't seem to want to move to d doesn't seem to be moving on to op, no mention of thing, confirmed the worry on "losing" s now I'm fully engaged with him again but no thoughts on reconciling yet.

I'm a confused bear...

Hi Edz....all very interesting....

Sounded like it was a pretty good talk all in all. Sounds like you did well with the listening and validating and so on & that your W isn't really sure what she wants at this stage.

Still, you're not in a bad place IMO. If she was all set on moving to D, I'm sure this would have been an opportunity to say that. Plus, to have taken place after you sent the V card is a reasonable sign.....Sounds like she is feeling the consequence with your S - but that's the reality when you decide to S. You only get to live with your kids part of the time.

Don't know what else to say Edz...I guess time will tell. But it sounds as though you're doing the right stuff. My advice would be any time you've done a little pursuit, like the card - draw back and see what happens with your W. Is she warmer, cooler and so on.

Hey, sorry about little fishy - that's a shame :-(

Thanks toots, it's all puzzling. I can say the bottle of wine I'm presently finishing along with this season of elementary is helping dull it all a bit.

Shame about fishy yes, really dont know what happened there no sign of anything maybe just shock on water change from the shop, poor little thing

Sounds like a great chat to me, Edz. Now just try not to fall into the Monday slump!