Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Jim0987 #12 - testing out Mk8's new features

Jim, my plan for this weekend is - try to forget tomorrow is Valentines Day. Actually, I'm doing a bit of volunteering in the morning and then Mum & Dad have a friend over in the afternoon. Low key, but pleasant enough. Are your kids with you this weekend Jim?

Low key and pleasant is good.

Kids are with the STBXW this weekend though hopefully swimming wont be cancelled this week so i'll get to see them on sunday and have a couple of hours playing with S1

I think my plan is to spend some time just sorting the house, there a little accumulated piles of stuff around the house and drawers where things have just been chucked in. Its not very exciting but I will feel better when the house is more organised.

Not sure if i've done the right thing, though i think its just i'm worried unnecessarily

i mentioned about the postal redirection thing that my wife put in place. she said she would fix it but as a precaution i contacted royal mail and said that if she doesnt then i would like to dispute it. I havent chased her on this at all.

well today i recieved a letter from Royal mail saying there is a formal dispute over this and what there process is. my wife will have recieved a similar letter.

if she does what she agreed to the problem goes away, but somehow i'm pretty she wont take this well. hardly making her feel less negative about me.

still its not like she is able to be friendly toward me so i suppose it doesnt make much difference.

If youre wondering why i'm bothered about this, its because for me there were always two big things for in this whole process
1) i wasnt going to be salami sliced on the financials
2) I wont accept or tolerate anything that suggests i'm somehow a secondary parent

To me stopping the kids recieving mail at my house interferred with second of those.

I suppose i'm just looking for either reassurance or a 2x4 as to whether i did the right thing by not trusting her to do it.

Hi Jim

Well, I wouldn't worry too much. You may well be right about your W not being able to be friendly, so it may not make much difference.

Maybe just wait and see if she mentions it. And if she does, you can ask her if she fixed it as she said she would do. And again state the importance to you that you are equal parents and decisions like this need to be jointly made.

If she is cross about the formal dispute thing. It sounds as though you hadn't appreciated what would happen from Royal Mail. Maybe you could just be honest with her and apologise for any upset caused by a process you didn't understand.

Try not to worry too much about the negativity....as I've said before - in a way it's hopeful (I think) that your W is still very much 'affected' by you. Much better than indifference!

HI, Jim!

My schedule has been really off lately, so I haven't had much time to post or comment, so just wanted to pop in and catch up.

Hoping you have a good Valentine's Day. Sending you happy thoughts, prayers and well wishes from my little corner of the world!

Afternoon All,

Just got back from swimming with S1 - he was exceptionally cute and thats not just parental bias talking, in my entirely biased opinion.

swimming means two interactions with W (first since last sunday) so just kind of logging them.

1) W drops S1 at my house
really short, wife wouldnt come even through the front door but thats fine as she had to get to swimming with D3. basic hello from me to the kids, she was very business like but not cold or unpleasant. I gave her a couple of bits of hers I'd found and that was it. she was reasonably pleasant and even volunteered that PF had stayed over last night. she nearly smiled.

I couldnt help but notice how attractive she is, which was marginally frustrating. (equally noticed she was wearing all new clothes)

2) I drop S1 at Ws house.
I did go through the front door but no further, but wasnt exactly welcomed. wife had a 'will not engage' attitude. so not cross and angry but wouldnt engage and was very much herding me back out again in body language and her limited words. I didnt go immediately because i wanted a 2 minute hug and chat with D3.

D3 asked me to stay and told me she missed me. before i could say anything W had said 'Daddy is going because he has things to do'. I said 'i miss you too D3, but i'll see you on tuesday'

got handed some of my post which has been redirected to Ws house (we have the same initials) so this redirection is a right pain. I mentioned that it had been lodged as a formal dispute and offered to draft the letter we both need to sign to resolve it. W responded with a 'no you dont, i know what i need to do' (then calling to kids without pausing) 'Daddys going now'

so i dont know if there was anger, indifference or something else, but there was certainly no warmth and lots of impatience for me to go. to my mind it was a very definite change in tone between the two encounters.

not sure if anyone around here has noticed but our situations blow. i remember the days when i just chatted and it was fun.

before you worry, im not feeling too down or getting into some rumination cycle just logging and trying to assess and understand.

now i'm off to get some glue so that i can make papier mache stuff with the kids on wednesday.

hope you are all having pleasant weekends.

Hi Jim, glad you got to have a swim today. Funny the difference in interactions. Sounds like your W was a bit more mellow in the first one. Were you in the same location both times? I wonder if your W felt she'd been a bit too warm and then backed off the second time? Or maybe something happended inbetween? Am I mind reading on your behalf? Oh well, better mindreading about your W than my H!

Sounds like you did well though Jim. The main thing is your behaviour in these interactions. I maintain that if you continue being friendly and reasonable, it would be virtually impossible for your W to remain 'cool.'

Papier Mache - I love doing that! Enjoy the rest of your day :-)

Jim

I absolutely fail to understand waywards and their reactions.

It will all become clear some day.

In the meanwhile why shouldn't S1 be cute, reminder of his father?

And D3 much ironed interaction from before when D3 seemed to be a little attached to W.

Great stuff.

V

evening,

the difference in the interactions just felt really noticeable so i dont understand what changed - I think i was pretty much the same both times, cheerful, focused on the kids with just a couple of business like exchanges that reflect our situation.

the big difference the second time is that i was in her house.

well she texted me this evening to tell me S1 was feeling better (he was very slightly off this morning) and we had the briefest of exchanges (2 messages each). She didnt really need to text me about it and given her attitude earlier im surprised she did.

I've spent a bit of today in a whole, this is just so stupid frame of mind as well a bit of disbelief that she doesnt live here anymore. Not too sad or down about it, more incongruous.

so bit of nothing weekend but not too bad. and next weekend i have the kids

The women at the kids nursey comment on how much like me both the kids look - its the blonde hair and blue eyes mainly. Cute is my best look

Vanilla, for once your notes may have an inaccuracy my wife had a lot of complaints that she felt disconnected from D3 and blamed me for this. She does say she feels like she has reconnected with D3 now though

since my parenting realisation when D3 was about 6 months old, she and I have always had a really strong bond.

D3 does know how to work mummy and daddy to her advantage though.

Jim

Apologies if I am wrong notes tell me D3 made a comment but in any case unimportant.

Must find a handy way to reference my notes in future so I can easily go back!

Glad about the cute Jim!

V